Jealous of support friend is getting - childish?

[Lizay27]

After entering the world of single mama hood, raising my kids, the pets, paying all the bills, juggling work and home etc I expected my few friends to somewhat give some form emotional support - they haven't.

Last week I broke down after 6 months and one of the 4 messaged me a few days later. They are very aware of the difficulties i am facing emotionally and have been but I don't think they see the seriousness of it.

Now one of them had a common operation and is on hospital for few days. The friends have been so supportive to her and checking in on her daily, planning a visit, buying her gifts. I also plan to go but I am (embarrassingly) jealous that for her physical pain everyone's all in and for my emotional pain, nobody cares to check in. It actually hurts me.

After I broke down, and that 1 friend checked in on me, I felt so happy.

I feel like saying to them I feel so unsupported by my friends but as they are all single with no commitment, I'm talking myself into "it's ok, they probably are just not aware of the trauma of becoming a single parent" but the other side of me is saying, no they SHOULD have checked on me. They know what am going through.

I don't know if I'm just being insecure. I haven't seen them for 4 months.

OP if I was your friend, I would have checked on you. Esp on important dates. And I would not have left you alone on NYE. They don’t sound very kind and your feelings are valid. Despite all the stuff on social media about MH ‘awareness’, many people are still weird about emotions.

Can you invite people over for drinks at yours and try and start being proactive socially again? Must be tough x

Are you waiting for them to contact you? People are not mind readers. If you haven't said hey anyone fancy a girls night soon or I'm feeling a bit down can we hang out? If they still ignore you after that then fair enough. How much effort did you make before you split up as well? Or have you just expected them to become closer friends since you were single. I think there is often alot more to it.

I think as another poster pointed out, a hospital visit for a minor op is an easy, performative kindness. Offering real support to someone with major physical or emotional problems is a whole different ballgame. You're finding out that these ae fair weather friends and that, sadly, most people are self absorbed and a bit crap.

I don't mean to be rude but they don't really sound like friends? Going out and not inviting you? Not supporting you? Not seeing you in 4 months odd?

Are you sure you don't see them as closer friends than what they do with you?

Ah I can feel you here, it’s hard. Hope you’re ok. It’s not even worth voicing half the time because it falls on deaf ears x

an operation is seen as a ‘proper’ illness/procedure. Mental issues still are not by a lot of people. Which isn’t right. It has got better but we still have a way to go

Why should they chase you, why cant you invite them round, why cant you ask them what they're doing NYE, its not their job to rescue you and becoming a single parent isnt a trauma, it happens all the time, you sound quite selfish saying your needs are more important than your friends...it is possible to survive without a man

I would disagree with saying selfish. I have invited them out several times. It's gets declined. However the love and support going into a friend who's had an operation vs me who is depressed and they know it well, is quite upsetting and an eye opener. I agree mental health isn't looked after. I support my family of 4 without financial support from anyone else, I'm positive, never moan or throw emotional burdens on anyone. I just potter around and do my life and am willing to meet my friends day/night/wherever they want to go. On the other hand they do not work and have well of family who they live off. So I don't think it's selfish when an willing to give time and effort and it's not reciprocated. Maybe if I was suicidal and admitted into a clinic, more care would be there from friends? I don't know but am doing 30000percent and I don't need a man but I do need my friends. It would be nice of them just to check in through a call or a message. I don't get that either.

Just as an example, 3 of them are going out for one's bday celebration tomorrow evening. I am waiting for the invite.

I am trying to stay positive, justifying the invite rejection, lack of interest in checking in on me and my children and the lack of love and time put into our friendship, but when you are going through it, of course I'm going to question it.

They sound like really bad friends who have let you down in a big way.

I’m sorry OP. I hope you feel better with each passing day and rebuild your life without uncaring people 💐

Having supported a few friends through divorces, in exactly the same way, same actions on my part, same amount of reaching out, offering help where I can, endless texts and conversations etc, all I’d say is that often support is there but it’s difficult to see.

2 of my 4 divorced friends have seemed to become jealous of others situations, not just mine but joint friends, become a bit bitter about people that aren’t doing anything wrong or even doing anything to them. I can understand it’s hard to see what others have when you don’t, but you should also recognise that you may well have dedicated and loyal friends who are reaching out to you, instead of comparing.

Sounds like you have shit friends.
Maybe think about getting new ones.
There is no excuse for not inviting you out and including you.
You are doing amazingly!

I wonder what you were like before the split. Did you prioritise these friends? Or just see them when xh was busy? I have an acquaintance who probably feels as you do but tbh when she was coupled she never gave a thought to single friends struggling through occasions and holidays. At most she'd offer one of us to tag along with her like a 3rd wheel 🤷🏼‍♀️

These people don't sound like friends to me.
They don't accept your invitations and they don't invite you out.
Do you ever hear from them about anything or see them at all?

So you invite them out and they say no? They all live off wealthy relatives money and don’t work and you work full time. They’ve never checked in on you since your divorce and they don’t have children.
These people firstly are not your friends. But secondly have absolutely nothing in common with you.
Did they maybe check out from your friendship years ago when your lives went in such different directions but you didn’t notice since you were busy with a husband and young family?
Either way you’re not even on their radar. You never get invited to things they are doing. They have never offered you any support. I really think you need to move on from these friendships and find a group who are more similar to you. I’m not sure these people even realise you think you’re their friend

What kind of emotional support would you be expecting from your friends? I'm not asking in a goady way, I'm just wondering what your expectations would be.

What kind of emotional support do you offer your friends?

Just to play devils advocate, I used to have a friend who had extremely high expectations of what we as friends would offer. Or, she would give us a row if we weren't serving people drinks at her children's birthday parties etc. (even though we were meant to be guests). If people were chatting generally about how they were getting on, she was sending screeds and screeds about how tough everything was, even though she had a lot of family support etc. there was never one point where she would say someone else was having a harder time than she was.

If some one else was having a difficult time, she just didn't want to know and wouldn't acknowledge it, it always got twisted round to how it was actually harder for her because of X, Y, Z reason.

In the end, it just got too hard - no matter what emotional support we offered, it was never enough and we would never get it back so everyone just fell away from her.

Im not saying that this is your situation, but I think it is important to reflect a bit and think about what you would expect from your friends and what you give them.

A pet is also emotional support to a lot of people. I think your comment is very extreme.

Sorry you're struggling, op. Lots of people are single parents, though; comparing it to your friend being hospitalised and suggesting the attention her friends are paying her is unwarranted is not on.

To be fair, op included pets in the list of things she's struggling to cope with.

I'd be asking this too.

I have a friend who expects us to rally around them as soon as they break up with yet another boyfriend, but when they're with someone we don't hear/see them for months at a time, but when they're single we meant to be there to hear about how mean and horrible the ex was and how hard they have it, but we just get dropped again when the next guy comes along!

we've all been through break-up etc and spent first birthdays/valentines alone, but she wouldn't even think of checking in on us, and to be honest we're all in our 40's so it wouldn't really be a thing. I get for you OP breaking up is a big thing, but I would question how supportive you've been over the years and what support you've given them. From your replies you do sound a bit sneery of them (how they're wealthy and don't work etc) so are you always playing the hard done by card? Either way, I think you need to find some new friends as you're obviously not getting what you want out of them.

I don't think these people are really your friends? I would carry on speaking to them while making new mummy friends.

I have invited them out several times. It's gets declined.

And they don’t invite you out with them…

Tentatively, are you sure they’re your friends? They sound awful.

Are you sure they are your friends? Seems a bit shit not to invite you to a birthday outing?

Very gently it sounds like you’re not really friends with them if you haven’t seen you in months and they don’t invite you to birthdays?

Were you close with them whilst you were married? Did you support them with their issues? I drifted from my best friend after she had kids and became totally self absorbed. I really tried with her and tried to adjust to the fact that she had a different lifestyle but she was so wrapped up in family life that she just wasn’t there for me at all, everything was on her terms and she wasn't there for me during some shitty parts of my life. A few years later and her relationship broke down and she wanted support from me and I wasn’t willing to give it. Our group had long stopped inviting her out and whilst we still talk I don’t offer her any more than a superficial conversation. I friendship is a two way street and I can’t offer what she didn’t offer me.

i'm not saying this is your situation but from experience you don't cut friends off for no good reason.

So harsh! Regardless of pets, the point is that the OP has basically cried out for help as she's struggling with her MH, but this hasn't been acknowledged by most of her, so-called friends, yet one of them has a tangible, physical issue, and they all rally round! I don't blame you, OP, for feeling hurt and unsupported. I don't have any advice, I'm afraid, but completely understand where you're coming from.

Hi OP it sounds as though the friendship has drifted I would let this group go and make a massive effort to make some new friends around a hobby you like to do. This friendship group I think will only frustrate you which will not be helping your state of mind.