AIBUngrateful to inlaws/grandparents

[Toffifee1]

My inlaws weren‘t bad parents(not abusive), but we‘re leaning on no longer initiating contact. Sorry, long post.

MIL relied heavily on her mum financially and for childcare(lived in GMILs house). She not only thought that she‘d worked enough despite being years away from retirement since i first met her(early - mid fifties) but also frequently asked DH/us for help. She learned in therapy to put her own needs first and won‘t do anything that inconveniences her. She likes to visit frequently but not to help out with babysitting, just to talk about her favorite topics like her digestion.
I was fine with that until she guilttripped us into going on a vacation with her, where she falsely accused me of lying and treated me horribly(ignored me for 2 days, didn‘t let me explain an innocent misunderstanding). According to DH that is normal behavior for her.

FIL was a „not even every second weekend“ distant parent after their divorce. Him and SMIL invite us for Xmas and sometimes for their birthdays and come to our birthdays but don’t stay long and only SMIL interacts with DC(2 and 8months). Only „no reason visit“ ever was after DH tried to guilttrip them into seeing DC1 a year ago, nothing since despite a few invitations from us. He told them that we‘re really struggling with DC1+full time work+ me being pregnant again and they took DC1 to the playground ONCE for an hour and apparently it was easy and fun.
DH helped FIL renovate his new house on several occations. FIL volunteered to help us a couple of times with our newly bought house, chosing(!) to do hard physical labour on hot days. He‘s not unfit.
They live close by, but SMIL and FIL still work 4 days per week.

DH says we don’t have to feel bad for not visiting(often) when they‘re actually old and really need our help.
Are we ungrateful? Do we expect too much?

What exactly are you expecting from them that you are not receiving?

I would give back the effort that they've put in. Sounds your DH doesn't feel bad about it so you certainly shouldn't.

Just because someone is related to you doesn't mean you owe them a relationship, especially if they can't be bothered to put in any effort to build and maintain a relationship.

My FIL sounds similar to your inlaws, we rarely see him, doubt our kids know who he is. So when it comes to special occasions or when all the parents are older and need help I will be prioritising those who I have a relationship with (MIL and my parents) and who I will miss when they're gone and that won't include him.

Oh sorry, I don't think it's wrong to feel disappointed that you don't have the relationship you would want with your children's grandparents. Sadly there's nothing you can do about it so you just need to find a way to accept it and focus on the good relationships that you do have.

Help with childcare. Not frequently, but maybe one sunday afternoon per month would be nice from each of them?
I know they‘re not obligated to help out but we‘re also not obligated to help them move/install tech/insulate their roof or visit them in their nursing home in 10-20 years to make sure they receive adequate care/buy stuff for them, take them to doctors appointments..
DH and i had great relationships with our grandparents and i falsely assumed from MIL&SMILs comments before we even had children that they‘d want to be involved.

Don't help them out

Don't expect help from them

You‘re right. I have been raised with certain values like taking care of your elders as a generational contract and while my side of the family values this(my niece has a second home at my parents house and my parents, brother and i left my late grandparents and late childless aunt wanting for nothing after spending lots of childhood time with them, too). My family lives far away unfortunately.

I just hope i can ignore their request in the future.

Sorry forgot to quote you, answer is above.

Your DH has it right. Don't bend over backwards to help them.

On the other hand, you're unreasonable to expect childcare. Lots of people don't get that from local, able grandparents, myself included. It's frustrating and disappointing but it's not a reason to cut them out of your lives.

I'd be aiming for what I have with my in laws: a cordial relationship where you see one another socially but don't give or expect significant practical help.

No doubt you expect an inheritance though.

Expecting childcare is unreasonable. If they want to see the grandchild(ren) that’s wonderful, and great to build a relationship. But not by doing babysitting for you, by spending time together as an extended family. Grandparents aren’t free babysitters.

What your DH chooses to do to help
his parents is up to him. Family relationships aren’t tit for tat.

No longer initiating contact because they don't provide adequate enough childcare for you? Only on Mumsnet.

Yes. From my side of the family. Debt from DHs parents.

I didnt say cut contact. I said inktiate. I‘ll show up for birthdays and Xmas when invited like they do. Unlike them i won‘t start a family fight but i will drink coffe, eat cake and disappear like they do.

*no longer initiate

How would you inherit debts?

Have you actually asked the fil for help?

told them that we‘re really struggling with DC1+full time work+ me being pregnant again and they took DC1 to the playground ONCE for an hour and apparently it was easy and fun doesn't sound like you've asked rather waiting for them to ask

FIL volunteered to help us a couple of times with our newly bought house, chosing(!) to do hard physical labour on hot days.
So he's helped you out and in return you're moaning it's not enough. Nice.

Thank you. This is the type of advise i‘ve been looking for. I guess we just had high expectations of grandparents WANTING to be involved because of our grandparents and my parents.

That's crazy to expect them to offer childcare when they are as you describe.

YABU to expect it but they sound awful

I didn't think debts could be inherited <misses the point>

You clearly don't like your in-laws though, nothing they do would likely be good enough for you.

DH did ask. i did not overhear the conversation. Its not easy for DH to ask for help though but i have also invited them several times and send them pictures and mentioned that we‘d love for them to come over next weekend or the weekend after or whatever suits them. Not for babysitting, just for dc1 to know who they are.

MIL did come when invited but i stopped inviting her after she treated me badly on that forced vacation.

You clearly hate them all, yet want childcare from them? Explain how that works?

You moaned that MIL guilt tripped you then posted this "He told them that we‘re really struggling with DC1+full time work+ me being pregnant again". That's a bit hypocritical. And if you want help, ask for it, don't passively aggressively hint.

You said FIL and SMIL both work 4 days a week. They probably don't want to spend limited free time babysitting tbh, let alone doing it once a month.

How about you relocate closer to your family?

By guilt tripping them