AIBUngrateful to inlaws/grandparents

[Toffifee1]

My inlaws weren‘t bad parents(not abusive), but we‘re leaning on no longer initiating contact. Sorry, long post.

MIL relied heavily on her mum financially and for childcare(lived in GMILs house). She not only thought that she‘d worked enough despite being years away from retirement since i first met her(early - mid fifties) but also frequently asked DH/us for help. She learned in therapy to put her own needs first and won‘t do anything that inconveniences her. She likes to visit frequently but not to help out with babysitting, just to talk about her favorite topics like her digestion.
I was fine with that until she guilttripped us into going on a vacation with her, where she falsely accused me of lying and treated me horribly(ignored me for 2 days, didn‘t let me explain an innocent misunderstanding). According to DH that is normal behavior for her.

FIL was a „not even every second weekend“ distant parent after their divorce. Him and SMIL invite us for Xmas and sometimes for their birthdays and come to our birthdays but don’t stay long and only SMIL interacts with DC(2 and 8months). Only „no reason visit“ ever was after DH tried to guilttrip them into seeing DC1 a year ago, nothing since despite a few invitations from us. He told them that we‘re really struggling with DC1+full time work+ me being pregnant again and they took DC1 to the playground ONCE for an hour and apparently it was easy and fun.
DH helped FIL renovate his new house on several occations. FIL volunteered to help us a couple of times with our newly bought house, chosing(!) to do hard physical labour on hot days. He‘s not unfit.
They live close by, but SMIL and FIL still work 4 days per week.

DH says we don’t have to feel bad for not visiting(often) when they‘re actually old and really need our help.
Are we ungrateful? Do we expect too much?

Okay i misunderstood the part about before they died. Sorry for your loss.
i assume you know how lucky you are to have/have had (grand)parents like that after reading posts like mine.
i also find it odd. My parents find it odd, too. Thank you for finding it odd. Helps to read that.

@Toffifee1 I am lucky to have good parents and in-laws but my grandmothers provided childcare for myself and cousins when we were children. I have done a lot for in-laws and parents over the years and although I don’t expect childcare (I have told my mum she can stop whenever she finds it too much) it’s called looking after your family. I worked pt to help look after in-laws in their final years, obviously I wasn’t expecting childcare in return or anything financial - there was nothing financial to gain, they had no assets. It’s about the type of family you’re from and many realise life is too short for selfishness. I would stick to your parents and give up on the others, it will be less disappointing for your children in the long run.

It’s not tit for tat though. I assume your FIL raised your husband and provided for him etc for 18 years so it’s not a case of oh DH helped clear out his dads garage so now they owe us some childcare. Either ask them specifically or just accept they don’t want to do it.

Thank you.
my parents unfortunately live quiet far away and my husband wouldn‘t be able to find a job there.
You‘re right, the kids won‘t even know what they‘re missing and won‘t be dissppointed. Its just us comparing to our grandparents and my parents-niece relationship.

I agree with all of this.

tit for tat is kind of my question.
Do i compare caring for DH until he was 18(FIL was not an involved parent either though), which is kind of the must-do job of a parent to now owing them help as they‘ll age or do i compare them letting us down now by not helping when they‘re not obligated to help to us not being obligated to look after them in the future? Thats DHs conclusion not mine. I am disappointed in my inlaws, too, but DH is the one who drew the conclusion to not help them in return.

Sorry but what kind of sick individual would withhold care of an elderly parent just because they didn’t provide childcare on a Sunday afternoon when they haven’t even been formally asked to. Your DH sounds lovely.

It’s going to vary wildly though isn’t it in terms of what that “care” looks like.

If it were my father, putting myself in the OPs DHs shoes, and they didn’t show any interest in my kids and had been distant during my upbringing I probably wouldn’t be racing round when they were old and the accidentally unprogrammed their telly or whatever minor “emergency” arose that day (as can happen as people get older and small things become catastrophes). Became demented / started to become unsafe at home / terminal illness - yes I’d help sort out a care package for them and make sure their basic needs were met.

at all other times, see them when suited me at a frequency I thought right. Going round daily / weekly or whatever - no, not from a sense of duty.

Please read before commenting.

Noone is withholding care. They can go to a nusing home and we‘ll visit on birthdays only like they do.

We did repeatedly invite them to visit and we also asked for babysitting in emergencies/because we had a lot to do.

FIL doesn’t seem to care about the kids or DH/rarely calls/doesn’t visit. MIL does visit but not to help, only to be entertained/drink tea/coffee.

example:
I was once severely sick with D&V while 8 months pregnant, i could not leave the bathroom and DC1 was healthy again but not allowed to go to nursery yet.
MIL was supposed to come around for a visit in the afternoon and i asked her if she could come in the morning because i‘d spent the night on the bathroom floor and DH had an important meeting at work.
She didn‘t want to come because she had planned to go to the gym(which is also open in the afternoon when DH could be back from work).

Exactly what i meant.
For my parents, i‘d drive half the night to sort their telly if my brother was vacationing or whatever. For them, i wouldn‘t inconvenience myself. Although they called last week on the way to their vacation because they‘d forgotten to lock the front door and guess who jumped..