AIBUngrateful to inlaws/grandparents

[Toffifee1]

My inlaws weren‘t bad parents(not abusive), but we‘re leaning on no longer initiating contact. Sorry, long post.

MIL relied heavily on her mum financially and for childcare(lived in GMILs house). She not only thought that she‘d worked enough despite being years away from retirement since i first met her(early - mid fifties) but also frequently asked DH/us for help. She learned in therapy to put her own needs first and won‘t do anything that inconveniences her. She likes to visit frequently but not to help out with babysitting, just to talk about her favorite topics like her digestion.
I was fine with that until she guilttripped us into going on a vacation with her, where she falsely accused me of lying and treated me horribly(ignored me for 2 days, didn‘t let me explain an innocent misunderstanding). According to DH that is normal behavior for her.

FIL was a „not even every second weekend“ distant parent after their divorce. Him and SMIL invite us for Xmas and sometimes for their birthdays and come to our birthdays but don’t stay long and only SMIL interacts with DC(2 and 8months). Only „no reason visit“ ever was after DH tried to guilttrip them into seeing DC1 a year ago, nothing since despite a few invitations from us. He told them that we‘re really struggling with DC1+full time work+ me being pregnant again and they took DC1 to the playground ONCE for an hour and apparently it was easy and fun.
DH helped FIL renovate his new house on several occations. FIL volunteered to help us a couple of times with our newly bought house, chosing(!) to do hard physical labour on hot days. He‘s not unfit.
They live close by, but SMIL and FIL still work 4 days per week.

DH says we don’t have to feel bad for not visiting(often) when they‘re actually old and really need our help.
Are we ungrateful? Do we expect too much?

My parents and PIL do nothing for us. Not a
minute of childcare or any financial
support. We’re OK with that but in return don’t see that any care they may need in later life to be our problem to resolve not least because we have siblings who do receive huge support from them.

We don’t have a very close relationship with either my parents or PIL and see them only very occasionally but that’s OK. We’ve very much grown apart over the years so it doesn’t feel like a big issue anymore.

Not going to comment on Mil, but if FIL and step MIL are still working four days a week, and have come and helped work on your house in return for DH working on their house then I think they are offering to you the same as you are offering to them.

I don't think it's fair to expect childcare from people who are still working (close to) full time and are returning favours in other ways.

I think you are getting a very hard time here, OP. I think it does hurt when ILs don’t seem to want to be close to their grandkids, including doing the odd babysitting session every now and again. That’s a way of showing love, assuming they still have the confidence and capability to be able to look after little kids. And when you are in the pit and could do with a hand it just proves who is willing to show up for you. It’s hard to accept when that’s not family doing that for you.

I would reflect on my relationship, like you are, and think about my choices going forward. It is a 2 way street and if they aren’t there for you as a family, steel yourself about being there for them. Like you say you are reducing contact not cutting contact - I think that’s more than fair to avoid your own disappointment. The door is always open for them to reach out.

He asked FIL for help. Who frequently asked DH for help in the years before.

MIL guilttripped us into going on vacation with us after we went on vacation with my parents. My parents didn‘t care about the beach, they cared about spending time with DC1. We actually got some couple time out of it and my parents loved it and it was great for everyone.
MIL was pissed that she wasn‘t asked to join us on a vacation and it was a huge drama until we relented and agreed to go on vacation with her and it did not go well for us and then she caused another drama and i got a nonpology later stating that thats just how she is (ill tempered and childish apparently. I liked her until then).

i just meant thats all they‘ll leave.

I am moaning that he‘s not interested in his grandkids. At all.
DH has helped him a lot more over the years.

Most grandparents do care for their grandkids at some point.

82% have at some point.

www.informationnow.org.uk/article/grandparent-issues/#

That would include your SMIL and FIL taking them for an hour.

So one in five grandparents don't look after their grandkids ever.

So there are quite a few people like you.

I think this is the first time I've read on MN that within a problem situation is a husband that is backing up the wife. Go with it op!

When we got married they talked about looking forward to grandkids..which i remember clearly because they just assumed we‘d have kids.
i did wonder about how little contact DHs family had compared to my family despite the distance but wrongly assumed it was going to change…

True. But guilttripping into a sunday afternoon visit to the playground is not like guilttripping someone into a weeklong vacation.

That is unfortunate. I‘m sorry for you and your children but glad you made peace with it. Thanks for sharing.

Just stop putting in more than you get out. There's no use being disappointed or trying to manipulate people into the kind of relationship you want, it doesn't work. If they want a superficial relationship, give them a superficial relationship.

Thank you for your thoughts.
They do however have 4 3 day weekends every months and one sunday afternoon out of those 4 weekends seems to be too much to ask according to mumsnet. I visited my grandparents every weekend as a child and DH spent every afternoon at GMIL. FIL lives 12 minutes away.
when they do come for birthdays 2-3 times per year FIL ignores the grandkids.

..
We will also still be working 5 days per week when they‘re older and need help.

So just accept that they aren't as into small kids as you would want??

No one should be guilt tripping anyone

@Toffifee1 I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position but I speak from bitter experience. It won't change and they won't suddenly be interested in a relationship with your kids. Don't be me burning myself out to force contact on disinterested grandparents. It will destroy you. Your mil sounds a nightmare. Put in firm boundaries when dealing with her.

Try and focus on your own wee family. I truly understand the pain and upset of disinterested grandparents but it won't change and it will only cause you pain.

Focus on yourself and your family. No longer be available to help and in the future when they need help or care, it sure as hell won't be you offering it. You reap what you sow xcx

It is perfectly reasonable to ask for childcare.

But if they won't give it there is not a lot you can actually do.

They may not want or need your care when they are older.

Thank you for this reply. I was genuinely asking for outside opinions as i am used to much closer knit families and a lot of our friends have invested (grand)parents.
Seems like we don‘t. And although i‘m getting an unreasonable to „stop initiating“ (as in reducing and not actively pursuing contact, giving up on my dream that my kids could have a loving relationship with their grandparents like DH and I had) vote, comments like yours help me realise that i am not unreasonable in my plans, only in my expectations.

When I read the post I think she means initiate contact to see the grandchildren rather than just providing childcare. Yes having a regular once a month afternoon of childcare would be nice for the OP but I think she would rather the in-laws were interested in seeing the children, like normal grandparents? It seems rather odd to me that they’re not bothered about seeing them. But then my in laws wanted to see their GC before they died as did my parents. Guess it depends on the type of family you’re from.

I don’t feel bad for trying to initiate contact with the grandparents.

Yeah, i wish everyone a humane and quick end but as someone who has helped care for grandparents and an aunt in their last years..Caring family does make a difference(unless you have money for above average care).

Do you mean they wanted to see their grandchild only ONCE before they died??

(and yes, i would love babysitting and once a months was not to be taken literally but just an example, but obviosly not like a paid babysitter just for babysitting but for geneal family time)

Hahaha. He‘s actually the one who‘s more disappointed and i‘m going to convince him to just drop it after what i‘ve larned here.

Interesting article. We do pay for our kids to go to nursery. We could afford to pay a babysitter but wouldn’t feel comfortble leaving DCs with a stranger just yet so we have only been out together as a couple when we visited my parents once and on vacation with my parents. We only sk my parents to come for emergencies like DC2s birth as it is a long drive.

No they saw them weekly before they died (only weekends) and would take to the park, for lunch etc in occasion but mainly just playing with them at home. Couldn’t do much more as they were elderly, but they would have liked to if more fit and well. My parents see them weekly, my dad died last year and mum still provides childcare. I find it odd when grandparents aren’t bothered by their grandchildren.

You seem to have a good relationship with your parents and are expecting the same from in-laws. But you husband is making it clear they’re not the same and he wants to cut back the effort you make. I imagine they were the type of parents to you husband as they are their grandchildren - people who can’t be bothered. I find it sad when grandparents aren’t interested in their grandchildren but it seems there’s a lot of them out there.