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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should get himself and toddler ready on his own two mornings a week?

62 replies

Tafaa · 21/02/2024 12:11

I'm currently on maternity leave with our 4-month-old and we have another child who is 2. DH works full time as a teacher. Two days a week, our 2-year-old goes to nursery. DH needs to leave at 7:30 to be able to drop him off at nursery on his way to work, so the arrangement is that if toddler wakes up in time DH will take him to nursery and if not then I take him a bit later on.

I feel it wouldn't be unreasonable for DH to take the reins on these mornings; I'm usually up 3 times in the night with the baby and would appreciate being able to have a bit of a lay in on these mornings if the baby is still asleep. But what usually happens is toddler wakes up and DH wants me to get him up and dressed so that he's all ready to go at 7:30. DH says he doesn't have time to get him ready, but I think he should make time. Part of me does feel unreasonable because of course it's not much to have to get up to get my own child ready for the day, and I do appreciate DH has a demanding job and will be tired himself, but if I was in his position I don't think I'd have any issue with doing that as well and letting my partner get a bit of extra sleep.

Interested to hear what others think!

YABU - Get up and get your child ready ffs!
YANNU - Husband should be able to get toddler ready as well as himself

OP posts:
Galeforcewindatmywindow · 21/02/2024 12:13

So your dh can't manage to parent 2 mornings a week?
What a tosser...

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 21/02/2024 12:15

Outrageous that your husband doesn't already do at least the toddlers drop off of his own volition!

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 21/02/2024 12:15

He can do it, he’d just rather not. Service human available and all that.

mindutopia · 21/02/2024 12:18

It's perfectly reasonable for him to have to get his child ready for the day part of the week. It may not necessarily have to be those days when he does the nursery run, though I can see how it might be convenient if it is those days.

Everyone who works has to get their child ready for the day and out the door on time. It's not harder for him because he has another parent at home doing the rest of the childcare. It sounds like he just needs to get up a bit earlier or organise things the night before. Just like you would need to do if you were doing it or like you will both need to do when you aren't on mat leave.

Fwiw, we never had to leave as early as 7:30, but when I was on mat leave, dh did nearly all the getting ready with our older one every single day, as I was usually feeding the baby. It was just easier if we each took one.

TokyoSushi · 21/02/2024 12:23

Of course he should get the toddler ready!

TwylaSands · 21/02/2024 12:26

It makes much more sense for your dh to get the toddler up and ready on nursery days.

if you start doing everything he will be resistant to it changing when you go back to work. Dont establish him being left to deal with himself and you everyone else as the routine.

Original poster
Tafaa · 21/02/2024 12:29

Thanks for the responses so far. I do feel like it is more of a lack of organisation more than anything. He's very 'last minute' with everything and tends to underestimate how long things take to do. So for instance he'll get up and just about have time to get ready for work and will be rushing out the door most mornings. I think he just needs to allow himself a bit more time tbh.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 21/02/2024 12:30

Not unreasonable at all. You get up in the night so he should be the one to get up with toddler and get himself and them ready.

MinnieMountain · 21/02/2024 12:30

He’s been organised enough to hold down a job for years…

Witchbitch20 · 21/02/2024 12:39

what’s the plan for when your maternity leave ends?

Looks as if his plan will be that you do everything and get yourself ready, and he does drop off’s. If this is his plan you need to nip it in the bud now.

When he sets his alarm tell him he needs to set it 30 mins earlier so that he can get himself ready before sorting out your toddler.

reclaimmyboobs · 21/02/2024 12:44

Tafaa · 21/02/2024 12:29

Thanks for the responses so far. I do feel like it is more of a lack of organisation more than anything. He's very 'last minute' with everything and tends to underestimate how long things take to do. So for instance he'll get up and just about have time to get ready for work and will be rushing out the door most mornings. I think he just needs to allow himself a bit more time tbh.

Ah, he gets ready in the morning like a single man. You get ready in the morning like a parent. He’s Team Him, you’re Team Everyone.

Reallybadidea · 21/02/2024 12:51

Maybe part of the problem is that he doesn't know in advance whether he's getting the toddler ready, because it depends on whether he wakes up early? I'm a bit of a last-minute Larry in the mornings and am usually rushing round in the last 5 minutes before I leave. If I know that I need to do something extra in the morning then I will get up earlier.

So I think that he should do it, BUT that it should be a regular, definite thing so he can plan his morning accordingly. And you shouldn't help him!

foreverandalltime · 21/02/2024 19:10

He needs to get in the habit of doing it now so that its routine by the time you're back at work. Otherwise you risk the "you're just better at it than I am" bullshit.

And then it becomes entirely down to you to get two children and yourself ready, out the door and to various drop offs, meanwhile he swans off with a coffee and a clear head five days a week.

He's engineering it so that mornings are your responsibility problem Nip it in the bud now.

You need teamwork and to be on the same page.

dottiedodah · 21/02/2024 19:19

He needs a definite time to get up. And 2 year old too.when you go back to work what happens then ?time to lock him into shape!

caringcarer · 21/02/2024 19:24

Heaven forbid your DH losing a little sleep having to parent his DC. Of course he needs to step up.

AnneElliott · 21/02/2024 19:33

Of course he should be getting the toddler ready. That's what parents do.

TitusMoan · 21/02/2024 19:44

I’ve rewritten the OP’s post:

Man delegates task he considers below his pay grade to Woman.

thesleepyhoglet · 21/02/2024 21:06

Compromise- you get toddler ready, he takes him. That way at least you don't have to do the nursery run.

Yes, ideally he should be getting the toddler ready, but it's not happening right now.

Once he is used to regularly taking toddler, you can start to step back a little on getting him ready.

FlickFlackTrap · 21/02/2024 21:20

thesleepyhoglet · 21/02/2024 21:06

Compromise- you get toddler ready, he takes him. That way at least you don't have to do the nursery run.

Yes, ideally he should be getting the toddler ready, but it's not happening right now.

Once he is used to regularly taking toddler, you can start to step back a little on getting him ready.

Nope do not do this. It will never end. You’re up in the night. He’s does it all for the 2 year old 2 days a week. He gets himself ready and wakes the toddler at 7am to get them out of the house for 7.30. He needs to start parenting.

cansu · 21/02/2024 21:25

Imagine your roles were reversed. Would he be getting up and getting the child ready for you to drop him at nursery? No he would not. Of course he should be doing this himself but it is of course easier to get you to do it.

notknowledgeable · 21/02/2024 21:29

This is unbelievable - A grown man and a parent claiming he can't get his toddler up and out in the morning. I am speechless. This man is supposed to be a teacher?

notknowledgeable · 21/02/2024 21:30

Just tell him the toddler is his job on those mornings from now on.

ARMSDOWN · 21/02/2024 21:32

He's taking the piss. I'm a lone parent and did this 5 days a week for 4 years on my own. Not because I'm a Saint or anything. But because I'm his mother.

Nollie12 · 21/02/2024 21:39

I’m a teacher and I have to leave at 7.30 too. I get my toddler up and ready and do the nursery drop off 4 days a week (DH works away, I only work 4 days). Of course he can manage 😂
I get up, get myself ready, wake the toddler at 7.10, get her dressed, off we go. I’ve also let a dog out & given them breakfast in that time too (a dog walker comes later). He needs to get on with it!

ACynicalDad · 21/02/2024 21:46

I used to get two kids out of the door at 7.40 4 days a week, he just needs to get up earlier.