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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

having a short(er) maternity leave

72 replies

greyskiesandrain · 21/02/2024 11:46

I’ll be going back to work when my baby is 13 months.

I’m really not enjoying maternity leave and then hearing from others it was the most amazing thing ever, best year of their life, they were dreading going back to work and I wonder what is wrong with me, why I’m not enjoying it more and I should be grateful for the time I have.

It’s worth noting I thought I would have a calm baby and imagined myself socialising lots and coffee shops etc. My baby has been challenging and I realised it more so once I spent time around NCT group and baby groups in general, mine would be the one crying the most, screeching loudly, easily fussy, overtired, fighting naps, needing constant interaction, hating pram etc. I stopped going to the groups as I felt like a bad mother with other babies there lying calmly on the mat and looking around serenely. I’ve never felt so isolated in my life and started to feel irrational resentment towards other mums with ‘easy’ babies and towards my partner for being the one to go back to work.

I’m now wondering if I should have just gone back to work at 6 months… Has anyone ever cut their maternity leave short or taken a shorter one (not for financial reasons). I always envisaged having a second child and I just don’t think I could do a year maternity leave again.

OP posts:
boomingaround · 21/02/2024 11:53

How old is your baby?

Ikeameatballs · 21/02/2024 11:54

I went back at 8 months and 9months. Finance was definitely a motivator but I was bored at home, especially first time round.

NoCloudsAllowed · 21/02/2024 11:57

I think you do whatever works for you. I have 2DC, both times I went back to work p/t at 9 months and DH took over for remaining 3 mo as shared parental leave.

I would say that if you had another child, you might find the whole experience different both because it's a different child and because you've changed as a result of experience of motherhood. My second DC was 'easier' as a baby but I actually found that a bit boring because DC1 had been much more of a learning curve and demanding child. Managing a baby and toddler at the same time was the challenging bit!

I think it's nuts that we try to find a best way to do motherhood in a one-size-fits-all way, we don't insist people fit a pattern with friends and partners, why would we with babies? You might be someone who needs adult interaction and the challenge of work, nothing wrong with that.

ShirleyPhallus · 21/02/2024 12:07

13 months is quite a long maternity leave IMO. I did 9 months with both of mine and that was fine.

TBH, I wish you could save some mat leave and have it when they’re 2 or 3. Much much more enjoyable hanging out with an older toddler who can speak to you than a baby who cries

Moneybum · 21/02/2024 12:15

i had a very similar first child. Went back at 7 months. Felt like myself again and it was great.
on baby 2 and he is chill. Happier to stay at home for the year, as am not in a prison with a car seat refusing screamer who only naps on me. I felt exactly the same - like a shit mum as my baby wouldn’t sleep or chill out ever.
looking back, it was super hard and not at all my fault she was so intense but I went down countless online wormholes to try and find answers and make things better. With 2, I can confidently say different kids come out different!
its ok to do what suits you, especially if you have a childcare option you feel ok with. I was lucky I trusted my childcare option at 7 months and had a workplace that was flexible enough I could ease back in a bit.

Cuppateafather · 21/02/2024 12:15

My first was very similar to yours, I felt so isolated and embarrassed because I couldn't keep my baby happy and everyone else could. I didn't have a job to go back but to but remember frantically googling for ANY job.

She's 2.3 now and is absolutely gorgeous. She is definitely easier than my NCtT toddlers and is such a happy little thing. For me, things got easier when she learnt to talk - could you start babysign? I taught her "more, eat, drink, all done, cuddle and sleep" and once she could communicate those needs it felt easier.

My second baby is a dream. She is 8 months and is happy and content and I am not scared of her, i was terrified of leaving the house with my first as she was always so unhappy.

I have parented them both the exact same way, and I have actually been diagnosed with PPD recently so I promise you, it is nothing you have done! Some babies just don't like being babies.

Sending you lots of love, it's a horrible feeling ❤️

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/02/2024 12:21

I went back to work at 3 months. Best thing I ever did, I was bored out of my mind.

Expecting twins in April and I'll be going back to work at 3 months this time around too.

dreamingofsun · 21/02/2024 12:25

when i had my kids you could only have 6 months maternity leave. so i would say, do what works for you. i dont see lots of damaged 20+ people wandering around damaged by the 6 months maternity leave their mothers had.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/02/2024 12:27

I went back when my eldest was 4 months-the money had run out! Lots of people did then-none of them appear to be affected !

eatdrinkandbemerry · 21/02/2024 12:28

I went back when mine were 5 months old.
My oldest is severely autistic and he needed the old routine of me working and I enjoyed working to be honest

Combusting · 21/02/2024 12:29

My mat leaves were always meant to be 6 months and 6 months and I went back at 6 months each time. Best thing for all of us. All my colleagues also did 6 months.

Flippinec · 21/02/2024 12:36

I had 6 months off each time. My firstborn was a very very fussy baby, sounds very much like yours. NCT gatherings were stressful as I was the one stood facing the wall rocking whilst trying to have a conversation that never resulted in full sentences. I had always planned to go back to work full time after 6 months and it was more than long enough.

Second child was easier but again, 6 months was long enough for me. It meant I didn't disconnect fully from my work either, so transition back into work was easier.

Original poster
greyskiesandrain · 21/02/2024 12:40

Thanks everyone - baby is currently 7 months but I can’t go back to work until September for reasons out of my control (nursery place etc)

My job was fast paced and could be stressful but still more enjoyable than this and not boring. The temperament of the baby definitely has a part to play.

@Moneybum great to hear the second one was more chilled!

@Cuppateafather that’s great to hear. Someone with ‘easy’ baby recently told me it was due to their parenting which stung for me with my very ‘sensitive’ baby haha! I’ll look into the sign classes

OP posts:
Original poster
greyskiesandrain · 21/02/2024 12:46

TBH, I wish you could save some mat leave and have it when they’re 2 or 3. Much much more enjoyable hanging out with an older toddler who can speak to you than a baby who cries

Agreed! @ShirleyPhallus

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 21/02/2024 12:56

I did 4 months and went back.

Flossyflop · 21/02/2024 13:02

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/02/2024 12:21

I went back to work at 3 months. Best thing I ever did, I was bored out of my mind.

Expecting twins in April and I'll be going back to work at 3 months this time around too.

@SouthLondonMum22 I think it’s quite sad to plan to leave your baby at 12 weeks unless you HAVE to though.

Sometimes with parenthood you HAVE TO be bored and selfless. I was glad to go back to work after 12 months and mat leave wasn’t sunshine and rainbows and quite isolating but I felt I owed it to my tiny baby to be there for them. They are on a schedule for their whole life.

Edited to say I do realise this sounds judgy and I hate being judgy I just can’t help but feel this way and I’m no earth mother 🤣

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/02/2024 13:16

I went back to work when DS was 5 months old, but I was claiming Maternity Allowance and couldn't afford to stay home.

Flossyflop · 21/02/2024 13:21

I do actually disagree with my own post above actually, it’s a personal choice what anyone does worth their own baby and mat leave - I take it back. Being a mum is hard enough without judging!!! @SouthLondonMum22

nomchonge1 · 21/02/2024 13:21

yes - DS went to nursery at 9mo as HE was getting bored at home, (very active little thing) and tbh I was getting bored too! I went back to work after 10mo. Loved it and he is thriving at nursery.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 21/02/2024 13:24

My colleague just came back at 13 weeks, splitting the leave with her husband as she is the highest earner.

Tarantella6 · 21/02/2024 13:28

Don't worry about a second mat leave. Mine was so much more fun than the first one, having a toddler as well was brilliant.

I did 9-10 months both times, and I was absolutely thrilled to go back to work. I couldn't have handled any shorter because both dc were terrible sleepers.

hydriotaphia · 21/02/2024 13:46

I went back to work at 4 months with my first. Most nurseries won't take a baby before this. It was too soon (challenging being back at work on little sleep) but worked out ok. Many professional women don't take the full allowance. TBH I do think a baby is best in one on one care however.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/02/2024 13:57

Flossyflop · 21/02/2024 13:21

I do actually disagree with my own post above actually, it’s a personal choice what anyone does worth their own baby and mat leave - I take it back. Being a mum is hard enough without judging!!! @SouthLondonMum22

It is a personal choice.

Ultimately, I don't see how staying at home when I was bored and miserable would have benefited my baby. Going back to work and feeling more like myself made me a better parent.

MixedCouple · 21/02/2024 13:59

My Mum went back at 3 months thats all they got back then. We grew up fine and are close with our parents.

MixedCouple · 21/02/2024 14:01

Agree with others personal choice. For me it am now a SAHM 1-1 with DS and it love it.
But if you don't love it then.do what is best. Part time - full time whatever.