having a short(er) maternity leave

[greyskiesandrain]

I’ll be going back to work when my baby is 13 months.

I’m really not enjoying maternity leave and then hearing from others it was the most amazing thing ever, best year of their life, they were dreading going back to work and I wonder what is wrong with me, why I’m not enjoying it more and I should be grateful for the time I have.

It’s worth noting I thought I would have a calm baby and imagined myself socialising lots and coffee shops etc. My baby has been challenging and I realised it more so once I spent time around NCT group and baby groups in general, mine would be the one crying the most, screeching loudly, easily fussy, overtired, fighting naps, needing constant interaction, hating pram etc. I stopped going to the groups as I felt like a bad mother with other babies there lying calmly on the mat and looking around serenely. I’ve never felt so isolated in my life and started to feel irrational resentment towards other mums with ‘easy’ babies and towards my partner for being the one to go back to work.

I’m now wondering if I should have just gone back to work at 6 months… Has anyone ever cut their maternity leave short or taken a shorter one (not for financial reasons). I always envisaged having a second child and I just don’t think I could do a year maternity leave again.

The toxic positivity around the infant year is horrendous. Thankfully more and more people start sharing it’s not unicorns, rainbows and pleasant coffee shop gatherings. That first year can suck. Badly. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Literally nothing in the OP’s post says about having a second child that I’ve seen🤷‍♀️

@DaughterNo2 " I always envisaged having a second child and I just don’t think I could do a year maternity leave again."

I took 5 months for first baby and 7 for second. Financial reasons but it was fine

I’ve only taken a few weeks each time. I wanted to savour the time with my youngest as I knew it would be the last so took six weeks but that’s that longest I’ve done. Finances and work stuff meant taking longer was never an option but I did manage fine, the dc were fine, and were breastfed, and we are very close and loving.

I know myself and I would absolutely go mad and over-think absolutely everything if at home with a baby for too long. I’d do the same thing again. I’ve seen everywhere from no leave to 12+ months leave like yours and there is no right or wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you (or your baby) You do what works for you!

Thanks all - I think 6/7 months would feel like a better balance if there’s a second child!

@PeloMom i agree, in real life no one has told me the realities of the first year, maybe either not to put me off, wanting to pretend it’s all fantastic or maybe their experience has genuinely been different to mine.

When I did share with some friends that I was struggling, they were more honest about their experience and how hard it was.

@KThnxBye do you live in the states??!!

I found mat leave hell so took a shorter one the next time.

Mine were born turn of the century when 6 months maternity leave was fairly standard.

Suited me fine as it was long enough to get over the "what the hell have I got myself into" stage of parenting and before I started chafing to get back to the relative normality of work.

My boys thrived at nursery full time and I was able to recover from work at the weekends and recover from child rearing/wrestling each Monday.

Could you schedule in some KIT days and spread them out so that you get some adult time before you go back?

Maternity leave can be repetitive and it’s easy to be ready to return to work as time goes on although I would say maternity leave in the summer is MUCH nicer so hang on in there 🙂

I did 8 months both times, and shared leave with DH. Felt about right to me - I EBF so that got us through to eating a decent amount of solids and taking expressed milk from a bottle. I found my first mat leave lonely, boring, and very isolating. I was much happier after I went back to work. My second leave was way, way better - DC1 was 3 and in nursery class at school, and I had a full schedule with his activities and friends through the class. Baby #2 was thoughtfully also more chill and less hard work (baby #1 was all high maintenance velcro screaming and flipped constantly between bored and overstimulated and required a LOT of help to sleep; I used to look at the NCT group's potato babies just falling asleep right there on the mat and think "fuck me, I gave birth to a different species").

I went back at 6 months with DD1 (that was how long maternity allowance lasted then) and 9 months with DD2. Going back after DD1 was actually easier because there wasn’t any separation anxiety from her and it was easier to get into the swing of it at work after a shorter break. Went back on 70% FTE both times. Was absolutely fine and they are well attached teens now. I appreciated the time with them much more from having a break from them.

@DreadPirateRobots yes I couldn’t believe when I saw those babies just drifting off like that 😂

I took 5 months of mat leave and went back to work full time, but I work from home and care was split between my husband and a childminder who came to us for few months afterwards.
It wasn't a choice as I earn more but I don't regret it at all and was really ready to return. However I realise I was super lucky to still be physically close to our baby by working from home.

DH and I are both incredibly close with our little daughter and she is super happy. She currently attends nursery which she loves.

No, I live in the UK.

Late to this thread, but feeling unbelievably encouraged, as I am pregnant with my first and will have to go back to work earlier than most for financial reasons. Tbh, I am so excited to be a Mum, but also already know that I will want to get back to work anyway. It's so refreshing to see that others made it work.

Such a relief.

Thanks for all of the very honest info!!!

I kind of did this! My second baby wasn't easy (first was). I went back at 8 months as I wasn't on much mat pay for last bit anyway. 3 years later, I took a year-long career break before he started school. By then, I'd built up my savings and hubby had been promoted, i took it over 2 tax years so got tax back etc. So it wasn't as financially difficult as I thought.

Babies are different. I'm on my 3rd now. Planned to go back early, but she's super content and I'm loving it! Just told my work I'm taking another 6 months (despite husband being on pat leave!)

Ought to say, I did change jobs in that time (after career break). Otherwise 4 leaves in 8 years is a bit much!

Just wanted to echo what others have said - my first was very hard work and I went back at 9 months (very happily) and the first childminder told me he was too much … I sympathised but also felt I had done 9 months of it I was only asking her to do a few days a week 😂 anyway we found a new childminder who was fab. From about 1 he was a dream child and been easy ever since- he’s now 10! My second was quite close in age because I couldn’t risk getting to used to life being good again and knew if I had to go through that again I needed to get it out the way- she was such a different baby but I was still happy to go back at 8 months (less because she was prem and came at start of school holidays which messed up my maternity leave plans - teacher)
Being able to go part time did help though - could you use any of your holiday accumulated to facilitate this? I loved being off on my second mat leave to be able to spend with my oldest who was so much fun at that point!

I'm US and had to go back in 12 weeks. We Americans suck with our family leave plans. However, I was pretty ready to go back then but had spouse who watched baby while I worked second shift. Frankly work was easier than taking care of baby. I suppose though for breastfeeding purposes I would have preferred to stay home for six months rather than three. Again, America is horrible for maternity leave.

I think so much depends on what you expected, a bizarre proportion of women seem to go into it expecting basically a fun year off and are then gutted when it doesn't live up to that.

I had babies in the family already and sensible mum/siblings/friends who were honest about things. I went in with my eyes open and really enjoyed both maternity leaves despite a pram hating nap refuser (dc1) followed by a seriously ill baby (dc2). I took as long as possible off and have struggled badly to give any shits about my job after going back, despite it being over 3 years since.

Hello! Whilst I agree about expectation management, I don't think this is the only factor. I am on maternity leave #2, I went into it with my eyes open but my mental health is suffering (as it did with my first leave!). I definitely didn't think it would be a fun year off but am still finding it difficult, so I don't think that is the only factor. Different things make different people happy, I guess!