having a short(er) maternity leave

[greyskiesandrain]

I’ll be going back to work when my baby is 13 months.

I’m really not enjoying maternity leave and then hearing from others it was the most amazing thing ever, best year of their life, they were dreading going back to work and I wonder what is wrong with me, why I’m not enjoying it more and I should be grateful for the time I have.

It’s worth noting I thought I would have a calm baby and imagined myself socialising lots and coffee shops etc. My baby has been challenging and I realised it more so once I spent time around NCT group and baby groups in general, mine would be the one crying the most, screeching loudly, easily fussy, overtired, fighting naps, needing constant interaction, hating pram etc. I stopped going to the groups as I felt like a bad mother with other babies there lying calmly on the mat and looking around serenely. I’ve never felt so isolated in my life and started to feel irrational resentment towards other mums with ‘easy’ babies and towards my partner for being the one to go back to work.

I’m now wondering if I should have just gone back to work at 6 months… Has anyone ever cut their maternity leave short or taken a shorter one (not for financial reasons). I always envisaged having a second child and I just don’t think I could do a year maternity leave again.

I prefer crawlers/toddlers.

Personally, I'd like the squishy newborn phase (up to around 2 months, maybe?) and then to go back to work until the baby is 9 or 10 months and past that moany, discontented phase where they want to do more but can't move and need you for everything.

And then I'd like more time to hang out with my little walking, starting talking buddy who's going places and has big ideas about what they'd like to do. Who can play, interact, dance, jump, wave, stack things and climb things.

7 months is a painful, painful age imo.

I went back after six weeks. Not really by choice - I was living in a country where maternity leave was not enshrined in law. But, the choice I had was to keep my job and go back after six weeks, or give up work entirely. So in that sense I chose to go back, and even though it really was too soon (physically), I didn't regret it. My baby (the most amazing teenager now) was also extremely challenging, and, like you, I always felt left out at baby gatherings with all the other angels. Going back to work was so good for my mental health, as it was wonderful to be in a place where I felt competent again.

Do what feels right to you, OP. There are many ways to parent, and what works for someone else won't always work for you, and what works for you won't always work for someone else.

In an effort to be helpful seeing as you can’t get back before September…

look after yourself - be mindful hormones post partum still might be at play and affecting how you feel. I felt burnt out and needed my partner to give me regular, decent chunks of rest / baby free time. I’m talking him taking days off work to hold the baby so I didn’t have to and could get a hair cut / sleep / whatever in really solid chunks of time.

vent - I ended up getting a counsellor and for the first few sessions would just cry. That helped!

consider classes for you - this time round IVE skipped baby sensory and am doing yoga and gym classes where I can take baby as that’s better for my mental and health and me. Appreciate its hard if you’ve got a yeller.

people also used to tell me I’d enjoy it when they got older. I didn’t understand this at the time and just thought i was not cut out to be a mother. Agree with what’s said above 7-9 months is soooper tricky and it does just get better and better the more they move and communicate. They still do your head in but you feel more competent and less nuts 😂 and they are a lot more fun.

you are not alone and the way you feel is definitely normal .

Half of mine was lockdown, annoyingly, but, if it hadn't been, I would have been all over the advice in the post above. The 'not a potato, but not yet interesting enough' stage is painful (as is the rigamarole of everything suddenly having to revolve around food, naps etc...3 naps a day is eyerollingly boring).

I'm never going to apologise for being happy to returning to work (she had just turned one) and for her going to nursery. It was the right decision for us, and having other input made us all happier. A friend of mine who found it hard got a babysitter for an afternoon a week for a few months before she went back, so she could reconnect with herself- is this an option?

I would also try not to compare your child to others- a little livewire can be fun as they grow up (DD is 4 and I much prefer her madness to her more...sanguine NCT group).

I also never used to understand why people would say I would enjoy it later on, but now I get it. The drudgery goes away, especially once they can speak.

I went back pt at four and five months respectively and they went to nursery. I was bored, basically, and needed a break. We had zero family help. Nursery fees equalled my salary for well over two years but twenty years on, never a single regret.

Just to let you know that for me, going back to work was much more enjoyable than I expected. I've gone back 4 days and feel like myself again. I'll only be having one maternity leave so tried to make the most of it at the time but realistically I am a better person having a job, a role as a parent, wife and friend. My life feels more complete whereas on mat leave I very much felt like a parent and not much else. Do what you can to enjoy the time you have left and what suits you as a family. It's too easy to look at other people and think that you should be doing something different to what you are but you do you at the end of the day!

There’s nothing wrong with you OP. It’s tough. I wish I’d gone back sooner too, I was struggling and baby was stuck with a boring, depressed Mum as a result! I felt pressured to do the whole year, almost like I would be a bad Mum if I didn’t.

I’m having baby#2 soon, and I’ll be going back after about 6 months. Partly financial, but also because I just can’t face it again, and we have excellent childcare already arranged now, which makes the transition easier.

I know you mentioned you have to do the 13 months due to nursery etc, but maybe you could look at childminders/nannies instead? My nanny is cheaper than a full-time nursery place. Or could your DH have some time off instead, as shared parental leave?

I went back to work at 7 months with my first and I was definitely ready. I went back part time which was right for me. I went to a fair amount of groups but still found be home all week with a young child boring and isolating. I didn't feel at all guilty about going back after 7 months. I took longer off with my second but that was mainly as grandparents where providing child care when I went back to work and it seemed a big ask for them to have two very young children for long periods of time. But I still didn't take all my maternity allowance and went back at 10 months that time

I did a 6 month maternity leave because I was bored out my mind and found it a different sort of hell. Sometimes a hard baby is a hard baby whether or not you're working.

If you can afford it I'd just take the baby on a couple of holidays. I decamped to a hot country for a couple of months with mine and he responded much better to being in the carrier seeing new things than he did going to a never ending stream of coffee groups. Make the most of being able to jump on last minute deals.

I'm doing 6 months, then DP will do 6 months. Then we'll probably both have to do more until we get a nursery place.

I reached my personal limit at around the 6-7 month mark and was fortunate that my employer was accommodating in allowing me to go back straight away rather than waiting until the 12 month point as originally planned. Mat leave drove me insane, but I felt instantly more like myself once I was back at work.

9 months was a big bump for me. I felt really ready to go back to work by then and that I was ready to get my identity back away from just being a Mum.

I think it's completely up to you.

I went back at 6 months, my husband did the following 6 months. No regrets.

The first year is the hardest op. I don't blame you. With both of mine, I just well and truly hated the first year. Loathed it. I didn't have easy babies, and just hated it all the time. After they turned 1 and especially started walking I felt it much better.

My friend went back to work (self employed) at 8 weeks with both of her children and hasn't regretted it at all

Thank you everyone - I’ve read all the replies and appreciate the advice and empathy.

Nannies/childminders in the interim I’ll consider - I do have family local but once it was apparent this baby is a bit of a screamer & fussy, they’re a bit too nervous to help 😅however I’m very lucky that my partner is hands on and works from home most of the time if I get desperate and need a short break.

As some pp have suggested, I think this is a tricky time too. The baby has suddenly become desperate to crawl and gets very frustrated when it’s not possible!

I’m looking forward to returning to work and feeling more like myself.

I went back 6 weeks after both caesareans. I found it a bit of a struggle. I was lucky that both were relatively easy babies which I think is mostly the luck of the draw rather than brilliant parenting. Just think though that those easy babies may be diabolical teenagers!

13 months is not a short maternity leave

I literally just said mat leave would be better during 1-2 years as they are more fun!

my 3rd is really challenging. Proper Velcro baby, screamed in the car, pram and pretty much anything where he wasn’t being held. I took 12 months and whisky grateful, I find life more balanced now I am back at work.

With my first, my planned mat leave was 12 months but I brought it forward to 9.
This time it’s only 6 due to being in a different job and getting stat mat pay.

I had 14 months during Covid and it was too long. I had a fairly calm and easy baby but it was just pointless long days of nothing. I wouldn’t have that long again.

The OP is considering taking a shorter maternity leave next time, as 13 months is too long this time around.

I took 13 months for my first, currently on maternity leave for my second and will be taking 8 months (7 months maternity leave, one month AL). Husband will take 2 months SPL and we will overlap so will have one month as a family of 4.

I felt exactly the same as you - 13 months was too long and I was so ready to go back. In hindsight would have been ready at 6/7 months, so taking shorter this time. I loved the balance work and parenting gave me and was much happier when back at work, and in turn a better parent I think! You are not alone.

I took 7 months and didn't regret it for a minute. I also had a difficult, fussy baby and frankly, going back to work, while not all sunshine and roses, was a godsend.

If you really want to go back earlier, I'd look into short term childcare options. You have a nursery place from September so possibly a nanny for just a few months? it can be difficult though so I appreciate that's easier said than done.

Is it possible for your DH to take 1-2 months of your mat leave? I'm not sure what policies are on shared parental leave these days but lots of my NCT friends did this. DH did too, except that we always planned for him to be a SAHD so he just quit completely after he got the statutory time.

Also thank you OP for posting, this is a really refreshing thread as have been feeling quite alone in feeling the way I do!

Definitely a personal choice person here. I went back at 3 months with my first (worked from home with a nanny there until 6 months, then daycare, so we were still all "there"). I expected to love every second of the early days, but it was a nightmare. She was excessively fussy, angry, screechy and incredibly frustrated at inability to move/communicate. I remember counting the minutes until my husband came home from work. We had no family nearby, and had just moved far away from friends. With my second, I took one week, then went back part time, working from home, joining calls when I chose to do so. My boss thought I was clinically insane and was clearly worried, but it worked for me. Ironically, our second baby was the relaxed snuggler i'd expected the first time round. Do what is right for you.