Daughter still hurt over childhood

[Gran648]

My daughter and I have a good relationship and we live close by so I see her and my 18 month old grandson most days.

A few years ago, she started going to therapy and soon after brought up how much her childhood had affected her, which I took very personally. I feel bad now but rather than listening I got very defensive and lashed out back at her.

I had my DD1 (now 35) when I was 23, her dad didn’t want to know when she was born. We lived with my mum/step dad who supported us until she was around 5/6 so they were very close and like parents to her. Sadly, my mum became ill with cancer and passed away when my daughter was 7. This had a huge impact on both me and her. A lot of grief. Around this time I had started a new business and my partner of a year or so moved in with us in a new place (now married) and a few years later we had another DD. My partner was a lifeline for me when my mum died and we all became close to his family. Around this time my DD also started seeing her dad again and she would go there every weekend. Her relationship with him hasn’t been great for various reasons. In the early years, DD1 also didn’t have a great relationship with my partner.

My DD is now saying how isolated and segregated she felt and as though she had lost her family unit when my mum passed away, and I had a new one with my partner and DD2 and also a business that I was running. She feels as though she wasn’t given enough support and it was hard for her to blend into a new family. This hurts me very deeply and something I had never intended. It seems she has carried this with her for years and now I feel as though I am the focal point for her anger. We’ve had several arguments about it.

I just wondered if anyone else has any experience of anything like this and aibu for getting defensive about it?

I brought up issues I had when I was young with my mum - mainly around me being her agony aunt from age 8 from my dad having an affair and it caused me to develop severe anxiety. I brought it up in a letter at age 30 and she was very defensive, didn’t understand why I needed to bring it up etc. but it was because I still felt like her agony aunt over her marriage ( she stayed with my dad) and I couldn’t take it anymore. She hasn’t acknowledged anything I felt and said that affairs don’t affect children just the adults etc. since then I’ve lost love and trust in her and although she might think our relationship is fine now, to me it will forever be tainted and surface level as she put her self first and as a mother I can’t forgive that. So my advice you need to apologise massively to your daughter and hope to salvage a relationship. I’m sorry but you’ve been very selfish in this situation.

Not laying blame because I can't imagine how hard it must've been. but your daughter lost her grandmother, had a man move in who she didn't really get on with at first, and got a new sibling. Those are 3 huge changes for a child. loss, grief and no doubt feeling replaced/rejected. Her father on top of that being absent. It's unsurprising she has to work these feelings out.

Were any of these things brought up before she went to therapy OP ? Did you have any inkling that this is how she felt. I ask because if the therapy was one to one it may have distorted things somewhat. I think other posters are right - maybe therapy with your daughter is the way to go in order for you to have an input and for both of you to get proper perspective.

I could have written this myself - except I am 70.

it is only comparatively recently that I have been able to see that my parents had many difficulties to contend with - but one of the things that still hurts very much and that I don't think I will ever be able to come to terms with is that they protected my siblings and used me as confidante (DM) and family scapegoat (DM and DF).

The pain leaves a wound that is so raw and open that even now I am getting upset thinking about it. I was very angry for many years, and have only recently realised that that rage was the first stage of grief for the childhood I felt I could/should have had.

Please at least acknowledge your DDs pain and let her express it. I can understand you being defensive - you did your best - but she is still stuck, emotionally, at the age she was when your DM died. Her grandmother was her support and when she dies your DD obviously felt that the only person who loved her (in her eyes) was gone. She needs to come to terms with this.

If you can put your own feelings aside and accept how she feels then that will help her, and perhaps you can build a strong and loving relationship.

You say “she didn’t have the best relationship”’with her step dad at first. The onus was not on her to foster that. It was on you not to bring a new man into her life when she wasn’t ready. You also say he was “a lifeline “ for you - but have you considered that she needed you to be a lifeline for her?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing is right in what she says here, too. I hope I don't sound like I'm judging you, because I'm not - I don't know how I would have coped in your position, none of us do - but ultimately YOU are the parent and should be the one the support and protect your child emotionally as well as financially. She must have felt very alone and unwelcome, from what you have said.

I really hope you can take on this advice and build your relationship with your daughter. It might be great on the surface but if your daughter is hurting, why not try and help her (even if it raises difficult truths for you that you’d rather ignore)

This sounds similar to my experience with my own mum - she divorced my dad when I was five, and then promptly married someone else and had a baby with him, and I did feel like I was pushed out of the nest. My dad did the same, so there were two nuclear families and I wasn't part of either of them - and even years later, it does sting, because as my parents have aged, they've been more reliant on their partners and the children they had with them, and I've been left on the periphery. But that's also because my stepdad was a control freak and my father (now dead) had all sorts of mental health problems and could never really step up for any of his kids.

My mum is also hugely defensive if I try to tell her that I am still carrying the hurt from my childhood. She says there should be a cut off point for that sort of thing so I should be over it now I am nearly 50! That's not how it works though. She also usually cries and does the 'I can't do anything right' thing. Last time I tried to bring it up, she said 'I didn't ring you to be harangued.' Basically, anything to avoid bringing any of this up.

All you can do is listen to your daughter, say you're sorry for the mistakes you made, and try and support her now so that she feels loved and fully part of the family.

Defensiveness is a really natural reaction from any of us when we feel criticised. I think you have done well to recognise that your response was defensive. You could make things better now by apologising to your DD for your reaction, explaining that it's hard for you to hear because you really did try your best, but acknowledging that things were hard for her and you made some mistakes. Say that you're ready to listen to her now and try to help if you can.

People going to therapy are usually seeking to change their behaviour and view of the world. In my opinion, they take responsibility and are to be applauded. No therapist will throw a pity party for anyone but teach the client that they are responsible for their own wellbeing.

It's only people who aren't ready to face their blind spots or want to brush the unpleasant under the carpet that don't do therapy and just speak the way you do.

I think that your DD needs more counselling on her own to work everything out, and then maybe a couple of sessions together so that you can chat about it with a neutral third party present.

You do need to accept her feelings, they are her feelings and it is not for you to tell her that she is wrong or shouldn't feel that way. It's understandable that you are defensive, but you are just making the problem worse by not acknowledging it. Listen to her without interrupting, without defending yourself.

How can she ask her daughter if she would.preferred to be aborted? This would be most cruel and damaging to their relationship.

I’m genuinely sorry you had such awful experiences as a child. As I said previously, blended families can cause some profundly difficult issues for dc. For that reason, I would never choose to enter in to one myself although obviously would never judge anyone who chooses to do so.

Sorry don’t want to sound rude but I was just waiting for the “children don’t choose to be born” comment . No they don’t! But neither did the adults! I have never found anyone who made that choice so I don’t understand its relevance!

Did you miss the bit where I said “And that’s just the basics required to keep a child healthy, fed, warm and educated. Never mind the emotional input which is arguably the most important element.”

🤷‍♀️

What stands out is you prioritised your partner and his family, then your business, when your daughter was small and grieving. She didn't get along with him - why did you move him in?

It's easy to examine a childhood and identity all the mistakes made and the effect....but you have to remember that the parent is a person in their own right as well as just that person's mum/dad. My mum died when I was young and my dad made mistakes which caused me a lot of problems... ultimately he loved me but he was also a human being with his own issues and problems.

The ops dd needs to recognise this imo.

I think it’s possible to hear someone’s feelings and not reinforce them in any way. As I said I’d look at what’s happening in her life now.

Are a load of strangers on the internet actually going to make you change your mind set or did you hope you would just find people saying YANBU? Because that’s how it reads to me. Your daughter is the only one you should be listening to, but she’s already opened up to you and yet you still don’t seem to acknowledge her feelings are valid.

Do people come to have their “mindset” changed?

@Abeona what an horrific experience for you and your family! Do you think it worth complaining to he therapist’s professional body? Therapy should not be like this.

Don't beat yourself up OP - it is hurtful to hear things like this about your shared past. Remember that you have successfully weathered difficult times for you both. It isn't surprising if you were both a bit battered on the way to happier times. You are both standing here despite everything put in your way.

It sounds as if the truth you remember isn't like the one she does. Keep in mind that your recollection might be the more right than she thinks just now.

She remembers feeling very lonely and sad. I expect there were many times when she was. Her feelings about the past (as she sees it right now) are valid and probably she needs comfort/recognition and reassurance of the love you have for her now and had for her then.

However, she is in therapy at the moment and looking back at particular things/moments but is likely to be seeing them through the lens of present troubles.

I'm not saying that she is wrong. Memory is not completely unreliable but it is selective and we do tend to knit things together into a story that convinces us/makes sense of the evidence we remember.

She remembers feeling deeply sad - and bereft and lost. No doubt she also had other feelings at the time and over the weeks/months and years. Those feelings are not in her mind just now.

I have know people look back at their lives again later (after different therapies or after different life-events - or in one case when looking at photographed moments of fun and laughter though they had no recollection of any lightness at all) and see them differently each time.

I think you should acknowledge her feelings.

How sad that she feels she wasn't a part of the family with your partner & younger daughter.

I wonder if there had been access to such a thing as MN back then would the advice have been not to move your partner in so quickly or at all given that he didn't get on with your daughter?

My DD is now saying how isolated and segregated she felt and as though she had lost her family unit when my mum passed away, and I had a new one with my partner and DD2 and also a business that I was running.

Objectively, I can see how these things are true.

At 7 she went from a living with her mum and grandparents who were a close unit, to losing that home and maybe losing her mum a bit while you were struggling to deal with your own grief. Then on to living with a new partner who went on to have new children with her mum.

No one did anything wrong but that is a massive change in circumstances for a young child and I don't suppose many would experience that without feeling grief and anger at what was lost. You can be very sorry she felt like that whilst also recognising you tried to do the best you could for her.

You would have been quite young yourself - younger than she is now - when making those decisions and maybe you would make different ones today? Or maybe you would make the same ones in a different way? I know there are a million things I might do or react to differently now that I would have 30 years back.

I'd keep my eyes on the prize: which is a long term good relationship with my daughter and grandchild. I think listening to her, acknowledgeing that is how she felt and helping her see that you are sad to learn it because you never intended for her to feel that way. Reiterate that you always loved her and will always love her, even if you made choices when you were younger that did not feel like it at the time.

Yes, I think it's a modern - and good - development that parents are advised to wait for longer to even introduce their children to new partners, and longer still before moving in together. When I was a child and before that, it seemed normal to introduce very early on and have them move in soon enough to raise eyebrows now. When you have a partner you feel that sense of familiarity and comfort with them quickly because of the rush of new relationship feelings, but your child doesn't have that.

YABU, I’m the kid who told my mom just how much damage she caused and all I needed was an acknowledgment, an apology and an attempt to foster a better relationship as adults. What I got was a woe is me take and denial of her part.

My story is very different to your Dads and mine was abusive, but as an adult all she really wants is acknowledgment and for you to be her parent now.

The healing in therapy, looking back at your childhood, recognising the things that happened that were not fantastic , is in learning to forgive,

Like many parents here I have done the best I could as a single mother, however I know I have made mistakes and when my now adult kids tell me that something upset them, I listen. I apologise sincerely and I accept that my poor decision making in some things caused them hurt. I also forgive myself - I tried my hardest and I did the best I could, but I'm human and not perfect.

The difference is that my own mother, like the op becomes immediately defensive if I ever mention things in my childhood that hurt or upset me. i am always wrong for having those feelings. Sadly this means we have quite a superficial relationship. I forgive her - she also did the best she could, but we could be much closer if she could accept that some of her decisions / behaviour cause me harm.

''@Vegetus

I'm adamant a lot of therapists make a good grift out of guiding patients towards their childhood being the root of all their problems.''

What a silly comment.

Childhood is when people are at their most vulnerable and totally depends on the adults that are supposed to care for them. This is when our brains are like a sponge: absorbing everything that is going on around us.

People often also form their views and understanding of relationships based on their parents/family members.

And you can't see why kids who grow up in family environments that are not stable or where they are neglected will obviously be impacted by it?

Of course it makes absolute sense for a therapist to explore with their patient the possibility that early trauma could be affecting their adult life.

They would not be doing their job properly if they didn't do that.

Therapists also don't put thoughts in people's mind or force them to reject their parents...instead they support someone in exploring what is affecting them and coming up to their own conclusions and find ways of coping.

I found therapy very useful to explore the trauma of my abusive childhood and to finally find ways to live my life.

It seems some people still cling to the idea that parents can't do anything wrong and should never be challenged. Unfortunately many people do have shitty childhoods that end up causing major issues in adulthood.

It might be uncomfortable for you to accept but that does not change the reality of it.