MILs family ski trip

[Distressed2023]

DH's and I have two little girls, aged 3 and 8 months. His mother has invited her whole family including kids, partners and family skiing after xmas 2024 (27 Dec - 2nd Jan ish) offering to pay for flights and accommodation for everyone (very generous, I know). I saw a snippet of the invite email, the baby and I didn't appear to be included (this would not be the first time). DH assured me he wasn't prepared to go without us (4 days ago). However, something has changed. This morning he said he had looked at all the costs and options (we would need to pay for our own ski passes, ski school and gear rental) and couldn't make it work for all of us, so he proposed just he and toddler go. I became pretty upset to say the least. I was so upset that he'd even entertain the idea of leaving me and baby here for 6 days over the Xmas break when we get so little time as a family. I feel so hurt. AIBU?

I’d prefer to have double the workload and two kids with me than send one of my (small kids) away from home with (what sounds like) an idiot father who has no backbone.

Does Bad Hofgastein not have a spa? Most resorts do single or half day passes or even a points card. Mind you not sure it is worth the effort with such young dc. Do you gave family you could visit instead?

Seems like your MIL likes to divide and rule.

I understand why posters have referred to your husbands lack of backbone - but as someone who grew up in a family with a character that liked to dominate and exclude others I think it really can be difficult to shake off even in adult life - your husband probably needs some individual therapy to help him manage those relationships better.

I hope the couples counselling next week will give you both time to find a resolution that works for both of you.

“he said his decision on this was purely from a value perspective - less bang for our buck”
Well you’d best point out that to to get the best value for your summer holiday this year - probably makes the most sense for you to go on an all-inclusive holiday for a week in the sun on your own. He can do a week at home with the kids while you go?

OP if NIL has invited her dc AND PARTNERS but just not you then it would be completely normal to ask her why she chose to nut invite one partner only? And to state categorically that any snub of you will mean he is absolutely not going to attend.
Why has this conversation not happened?

The trip is to Bad HofGastein

Shit hole. Why has she picked there?? (I live in Austria, not too far from there).
The skiing is ok but you'll be lucky to have decent snow over the Christmas holidays. If it's too warm in December they will struggle to make artificial snow and many runs won't be open. You might get lucky and it might be ok. There are pistes at higher altitude which are likely to have snow on them but if there's little snow lower down the higher ones are rammed. I think it's a bit too early in the season to be going there, quite frankly. Poor choice of resort.
The villages Bad Hofgastein and Bad Gastein are run down and tired.

One good thing though is there are two thermal spas: Alpentherme and Felsentherme. You could spend time there and relax even if you don't ski. You could also hop on the train for a day out to Salzburg or Zell am See.
There would be plenty for you to do even if DH "can't afford" ski passes etc for you to go skiing.

Am I understanding correctly that MIL has not invited you and the baby? That's awful if she's invited everyone else. And then DH has now decided he's going anyway with the toddler and come up with the excuse about the ski passes etc. as a reason for you not to go? Is this to placate is MIL?
I think the whole family goes or no one goes.
I also think it's very unfair if you do go and you "aren't allowed" to ski because he doesn't want to pay for you to do so.

I don't know what I'd do in your situation. But I'd certainly be having a serious conversation with DH. Everyone goes or no one goes. And the finer details of who skis when and who cares for the baby can also be worked out. The baby is his too and he shouldn't get to fuck off skiing for a week while you either sit at home with the baby or in shitty Bad Hofgastein with the baby.

Has DH been able to confirm that you and baby are not invited? From what you've posted it seems like there have been a bunch of assumptions.

Sounds like your DH needs to simply talk with his mum.

Normally I am all for couples having time and holidays apart from eachother but I agree on this occasion, given the history, your DH should stay home.

Is MIL definitely paying for her other kids' partners? Or are they just invited?

@Distressed2023 - you wrote "Personally, I believe DH is the problem - he misses his family, and has missed out on the ski trip for 3 years now (and whether he realises it or not, he blames me and my daughters for this), and fears his mother (which he has openly admitted to me previously)."

I'd like to point out one thing in that statement and I think you'll probably know what it is when you read it again.

"He blames me and my daughters for this"

They are HIS daughters too.

If he blames HIS daughters for being an inconvenience stopping Daddy going on a holiday with Granny to a ski resort, you really do have issues with him.

I hope your counselling session goes well and I'd definitely try to start finding ways to establish good boundaries, so that your children can learn from your (both you and your DH) good example and not Granny's warped idea of what is normal and not.

It’s possible it is not entirely the fault of MIL/DH that OP is feeling like this.

MIL did invite the whole family. She emailed her son (see numerous threads and posts advising DHs should manage communication directly with IL - well this is what that looks like) and invited them all.

The DC are really little and MIL can see that. They are not perfect candidates for a ski holiday but they are all still invited.

But OP and baby weren't invited. This is made clear in her first post.

This morning he said he had looked at all the costs and options (we would need to pay for our own ski passes, ski school and gear rental) and couldn't make it work for all of us, so he proposed just he and toddler go.

@rookiemere They were all invited. It was DH who cut out OP and baby.

@Prizefighter from the OP ). "I saw a snippet of the invite email, the baby and I didn't appear to be included (this would not be the first time). DH assured me he wasn't prepared to go without us (4 days ago). "

‘Didn’t appear’ - the rest of the OP makes it clear that accommodation and flights would be paid by MIL.

@xcski would you mind telling me where to go please in summer /Austria.. Lakes and cable cars and mountains and pretty villages please but not dangerous roads!!

Travelling by public transport or with your own car/hire car? Do you have children with you? Do you like heavy duty hiking or more gentle strolls?

Yes. For DH and their eldest child.

Op has made it clear the invite wasn’t for her and the youngest child. Why would her DH have made a point of saying he wouldn’t go without her if she was, in fact, invited? Op hasn’t said anything further to suggest she’d got it wrong and Mil had invited her too, so why are you so convinced you are right?

Sounds like your MIL and DH are experienced skiers. Therefore it’s odd that they haven’t really thought through how this will even work.

A three year old might manage a couple of hours of teeny tiny ski school a day but will need an adult nearby while they are with an instructor. For the rest of the day, and every single evening, the child needs a carer with them so that’s one adult each day who doesn’t get to ski properly. Is it a chalet? If not, DH is going to be going to bed in a hotel at 7 every evening while his mother and siblings eat and drink.
Or are they planning some rota?

tbh given what the PP says about the resort and the likely crap snow at that time of year, and with both kids so small, I’d say none of you should go.

But would it be so bad for DH to go alone? if he goes alone and no other kids are involved can’t they all just take holiday from work and go at a time that is not Xmas break and therefore less of a big deal for him to be away, with better snow?

I'm not a skier but have regularly ended up on family ski trips. I ended up (voluntarily) taking the youngest children and playing in the snow or messing about on the luge. The holidays have still been a blast. The skiers get to ski and I spend the day messing around with the young ones before the evening drinks and dinner. The youngest ones didn't need babysitting and could be left at daycare if I wanted a break, I'd be seriously pissed off if someone used the excuse of ski passes and kit as an excuse. What exactly are they expecting a baby to be able to do?

Something similar was happening to a friend. Her kids slightly older. MIL was a PITA, giving kids stuff she said would make them crazy, all friends fault, DH spineless. She made an agreement. DH could go to on the trip, providing he used his own money and took both kids, and meanwhile she would use hers to do something with her friends (also not Christmas!). Well MIL etc gave the kids all the treats because mean mummy wasn't there to stop her. And they stayed up etc for same reason. But mummy wasn't there to need to deal with the aftermath. Instead DH and kids were staying in a villa with MIL etc and they all got kept up by the screaming hyperactive kids running riot when they wouldn't sleep. Guess who was not impressed and demanded DH control his kids?

Next day MIL wanted one of her usual trips to an art museum and fancy lunch and of course her precious son must attend. Suitable for a 3yo and 5yo? Nope. Guess who got bored and ran riot and 'embarrassed her'? Usually mummy would have said not appropriate and taken kids to something more appropriate while DH went with the rest of them but once again mummy wasn't invited so not there. Once again they'd also hopped the kids up on stuff trying to bribe them to behave so once again they had an absolute shit show of an evening and night.

DH by this point was pretty much in tears after 2 nights no sleep, looking after the 2 kids alone in unsuitable environment with them behaving as expected, his darling mother on his case because the kids were 'ruining the trip' with their behaviour. Called friend and she was nice and relaxed having booked a last min 4 star all inclusive holiday, lounging by the pool. A country he'd actually always wanted to go but never had because always had to go on the family holiday. The DH realised he had to grow a spine and push back. Tell MIL no they couldn't go where she wanted, she can't keep feeding them crap, they needed to go to bed earlier and be damned the narcissistic tears of how can he be so horrible and mean to her and was that witch filling his head. The next year he had the balls to turn the holiday down as friend told him same agreement if he wanted to go.