MILs family ski trip

[Distressed2023]

DH's and I have two little girls, aged 3 and 8 months. His mother has invited her whole family including kids, partners and family skiing after xmas 2024 (27 Dec - 2nd Jan ish) offering to pay for flights and accommodation for everyone (very generous, I know). I saw a snippet of the invite email, the baby and I didn't appear to be included (this would not be the first time). DH assured me he wasn't prepared to go without us (4 days ago). However, something has changed. This morning he said he had looked at all the costs and options (we would need to pay for our own ski passes, ski school and gear rental) and couldn't make it work for all of us, so he proposed just he and toddler go. I became pretty upset to say the least. I was so upset that he'd even entertain the idea of leaving me and baby here for 6 days over the Xmas break when we get so little time as a family. I feel so hurt. AIBU?

I'd be ok with it, and with him taking toddler.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Regardless of the activity you are being actively excluded and exclusion is a form of bullying. Your husband sounds very similar to mine, easily manipulated by an insecure and conniving MIL. If I was in your situation I would heartily encourage him to go but tell him that he is not taking any of the children out of the country (he needs your permission). I would be feel very hurt and betrayed by this and you have every right to express it. The activity is utterly irrelevant it's the sentiment that screams the loudest here!

The flights and accommodation are covered, so there's absolutely no need for anyone to stay at home. At the very least you can all go and enjoy the non-skiing.
So then the question is who skis, and whether you put the baby in the creche or take turns. You could probably save money by the 3 year old not skiing, and they'll probably be amply entertained without. You might even find that someone else is happy to take a session off the skiing and babysit at some point.

This isn’t a practical holiday with children your age unless you both go and share a lift pass whilst the other looks after the kids.

Of course he can’t go away for Xmas and new year without you. It’s ridiculous that he thinks this is ok.

Sorry, missed the bit about you being excluded on the original invite. Does that mean that MIL wouldn't cover your flights? That makes quite a difference to the cost to you. I think in that case he needs to stick to his guns that it's all of you covered or he's not going.

I’ve said Yabu but I’m making some (probably wild) assumptions.

First I’m assuming that you are exaggerating a bit when you say you “spend so little time together as a family”. However I guess in reality, it’s true that you may not spend time together at weekends and evenings, that you don’t have summer holidays/staycations together. if he’s one of those husbands out drinking every week with mates after work and playing golf or going to football every weekend, while he leaves you stuck indoors with two kids to wrangle, then sure. He is being very unreasonable to suggest leaving you behind.

Second I’m assuming you will have opportunities to go skiing in future as a family (why wouldn’t you?).

Third - a week of tim devoted to your youngest sounds amazing to me! I would go and stay with my own family and enjoy the heck out of the opportunity not to have both kids to wrangle.

Fourth - my dh has taken my dd on vacation without me to visit in-laws overseas and they had a blast (she was 6). It’s great that he wants to step up as parent isn’t it? I am assuming they aren’t sticking the 3/4 yo in crèche all the time!

I have taken a 1 year old to a ski resort with in-laws and it was okay, but not great. Horrible, horrible long journey. Too young to go up the gondola ski lift due to altitude, not walking well enough to really enjoy the snow, but walking well enough to cause trouble in the totally inappropriate valet accommodation which wasn’t child-safe, didn’t have a stair gate or a high chair or a proper cot etc. It was a waste of effort and money really, as someone had to mind the baby the whole time and we had to lug a lot of baby stuff with us. It was assumed that I would be the one to sacrifice my pleasure and comfort so the rest of family could enjoy their Christmas vacation to te max, as I was the baby's primary carer. I was I told I “had to go” as in-laws expected me to be there so they could “spend time with the baby” when they weren’t skiing.

So I probably wouldn’t be upset but I’d try and get all these thoughts out on the table - what is dh assuming about this ski trip and future trips? What about other holidays? Then I’d bargain hard for something to compensate you. Do you get to pick your summer vacation and what happens next Christmas ?

It was assumed that I would be the one to sacrifice my pleasure and comfort so the rest of family could enjoy their Christmas vacation to te max, as I was the baby's primary carer.

@ToWorkOrNotToWork Where was the baby’s father whilst this was all happening?

I would find a ski holiday with a 8 month old grim. You are obviously the main carer and I doubt either of you would get to enjoy a lot of skiing.

For that reason, I would be happy for DH and toddler to go with the rest of the family.

However, I think you would have liked to be given a choice. But that would depend on your relationship with in laws. If its good and they know you well, I can see why they didn't include you from the start....

NBU - Your DH doesn't seem to have grasped that his family is now him, you and however many kids you have.
If this is being organised as a 'family' trip (even if MiL is paying for it, which is very generous but not compulsory), then the whole of his family goes. If you can't afford to bring the whole family, then either he goes solo - which is not ideal around Christmas and New Year and would seriously make me question whether I wanted to stay with him or not in the longer term, or not go at all so that he can spend Christmas and New Year with his family (you and the kids).
He apologises to MiL and withdraws from the ski trip.

You mentioned @Distressed2023, that this isn't the first time that MiL has excluded you - why has she excluded you if you are married to her son?

Do you really think he's going to devote the week to looking after his eldest child? Because he doesn't need to go skiing to do that.

Surely, he explains to his mum that you and baby have been left out and make sure she includes you both.

Beyond that, it seems like he hasn't considered how NOT FUN a ski holiday as the sole parent in charge of a non-skiing toddler would be. He wouldn't really get to do any skiing and he'd be missing out on evening activities/dinner too because he'd need to be back at the hotel/chalet putting toddler to bed.

from the 27th to over New Year’s Eve too- your mil is nasty. And my Dh would find the locks changed if he went, which he would know in advance. ‘no Dh, my children do not go on family holidays I’m excluded from until we are divorced and you have contact time locked in, and if you choose to go then that will happen as as far as I’m concerned you’re telling me you have no loyalty or support for your wife so there’s no point to us.’

what are Christmas Day plans? If they involve in laws I’d be changing that right now.

You’d play in the snow, hang around in a warm cosy chalet, and enjoy good food and hot drinks. Whats not to like? I’ve been to chamonix pregnant and with a 2.5yo, we had a magical time.

Completely agree.

Slightly confused by all this ‘main carer’ stuff too. I was at home with all my babies while my husband worked but he was still more than capable of looking after them himself when he wasn’t at work. He’d never assume I needed to stay at home with the baby because I was the ‘main carer’. Do some of these women’s partners have nothing to do with their own babies?

But that does assume there's snow in the villages which the last couple of years has not been a given - you might just be spending a week in the rain. We went to Morzine at NY- zero snow/lots of rain - had to get the telecabine up to Avoriaz where the snow was good but you'd only do that if you were planning to ski. Also how great the chalet is to hang out in all day is somewhat budget dependent.

Slightly confused by all this ‘main carer’ stuff too

Well, mum (by default) is the person that spends more time with baby than dad. Especially if she works pt or is still on maternity leave...
So if you place a baby in a strange environment, baby might need a lot of reassurance. This lovely task falls in 99% of cases to the mum.
(Been there, done that!)
But obviously MN and all fathers are either out of the picture or totally hands on!

I’m not entirely sure what you mean in your last sentence. Fathers should be totally hands on?

We’ve got 4 children. We’ve taken all of them, as babies, to unfamiliar surroundings. On none of those occasions did my husband leave it to me to comfort the baby because I was the ‘main carer’. Because he is their father and quite capable of giving comfort, given he was doing it outside of working hours, which makes up a large part of the week.

It blows my mind there’s still so many women putting up with such low standards from men.

It reads to me like you are not invited and he's trying to sell it as you can't afford to all go.

I would say " why don't we spend the money on a family trip so none of us miss out."

Hmm: He goes with toddler: adult pass for one week, child pass (free) and lessons.

You all go: you and he can share the adult pass and tag team with the baby. BINGO. You would need to rent two sets of skis.. but won't make a huge amount of difference to the overall costs.

I know it’s a nice idea babies/toddlers might like to play in the snow but it might not suit them (I remember one holiday when DD was 18 months and loathed sand which was fun).
Without guarantees there is an age appropriate crèche with spaces there’s no point DH saying he is taking toddler with him either. Or maybe he’ll be stuck in a chalet.

Thank you so much for the replies.

A few points that I would like to clarify.

This is an annual ski trip, always funded by MIL. In my opinion, she controls her adult children (all in their 30s )with her money. My DH is the only one of her kids with his own children.

I believe MIL does not like me and is incredibly jealous of me, and I suspect has deliberately excluded me or interfered in my relationship on several occasions, but I do not have proof. For example, if I would enter her house or her mine, she would not acknowledge or greet me (even when pregnant with her second granddaughter - she's obsessed with the kids). DH confronted her about this last year, and she denied it all, cried and told him how much she missed him (he is her eldest). She excluded me from the invitation for the annual ski trip two years ago, when my eldest daughter was 1 3/4 years. None of us were invited at all last year, because I was expecting and my eldest was too young still.

I genuinely believe she has ASD tendencies, but this is a private opinion. However, I have seen her manipulative behaviour with others at work, with her openly disliking her brother's wife - and suggesting activies that are too costly in the hope that her sister-in-law won't participate (DH told me this, and that she wa laughing about it).

I have skied before (but not in Europe), thoroughly enjoyed it and would like to have the chance again. But I don't come from a "skiing family," if that makes sense.

At the time of this upcoming trip (December 2024), our daughters will be 3 and 3/4 and 18 months, respectively. The trip is to Bad HofGastein (if anyone knows anything about this place).

DH and I had an enormous row about it all and at the time he said his decision on this was purely from a value perspective - less bang for our buck if we had to purchase two adult ski passes ( the travel agent only does weekly ones, however, i since found out we could get daily passes on site). SUbsequently things have calmed, and he has admitted he has felt enormous pressure from him mother to commit to something, but with some much stress on his plate (work and life with 2 small babies) he just wanted to make a quick decision, to get it off his plate.

DH's own father has never joined one ski trip - he hates skiing, so just doesn't go. So in a way, this type of "family separation" is totally normal to them. but at no point did I express that I had no interest in skiing - so I wasn't eve considered in the decision making. it's not normal to me and my values

Personally, I believe DH is the problem - he misses his family, and has missed out on the ski trip for 3 years now (and whether he realises it or not, he blames me and my daughters for this), and fears his mother (which he has openly admitted to me previously).

Anyway, things have cooled down now - he has admitted what an error of judgement it was to even suggest it. and is now looking at ways for us all to go, or none. But I am still extremely hurt that it had to errupt into an enormous row (so draining and devastating) to get to this point, and it speaks to much bigger issues between us. He has agreed for us to sit down with a couples counsellor next week.

@Distressed2023 he has his answer right in front of him! He is scared of his mother!! he does not seem to understand that you, your hubby and your two children are actually the family now. all others are extended family.

This

Even if op doesn't ski she can enjoy a break in a magical snowy village so can baby.

But then she has double the work home alone