My mum told my sister about my c-section

[Strawberry06]

I'm heavily overdue pregnant and on Monday after several emotional hours in hospital I made a tough decision to go for an elective c-section which is booked for tomorrow.

Me & DH made a decision not to tell anyone except I said I wanted to tell my mum so we agreed this. Not because it's a big secret and I don't want anyone knowing, just because it's tomorrow and I wanted time to process etc and not having people messaging me.

Anyway I found out today that my mum has told my sister because she keeps asking about me apparently.

For context I don't have a good relationship with my sister. She has mental problems and is insanely jealous of me and not once while I've been pregnant has she bothered to check in and ask how I'm doing, which is what I fully expected from her.

So I'm really angry that my mum told my sister and said to her why didn't she just tell my sister to ask me herself if she really wants to know rather than my mum being a go between. I feel it's my business and my mum had no right to tell her. My mum doesn't think she's done anything wrong and thinks I'm being ridiculous.

AIBU?

This.
Your mum can't be expected to read your mind.
Be clear with your mum in future when you don't want her to share information.

And in the same way you wanted to tell someone, maybe your mum wanted to tell someone

I don’t know that I get it. I’ve had 2 by ELCS, lots of friends have had sections, my SIL had hers by section. I’ve never heard of anyone being cagey with the date. Also, your mum has probably saved you from another unwanted message. Regardless it doesn’t matter really in the greater scheme of things. You’ll be meeting your baby tomorrow!!! Hope it all goes well and good luck.

This is not worth falling out with your mum over. She meant well and you will need her.

It's possible that you are offsetting some emotions over the c section. It's an emotional time! You are probably feeling a lack of control over the birth and that's compounded by not being able to control knowledge of it.

What's done is done. You and your baby are what matters now. I would do whatever is physically possible for you to take your mind off who said what and focus on the positive. You can't control the situation or your mum's gabbing but you can control how you respond. Rise above and have a beautiful birth. Might not be how you pictured it but it can still be perfect in it's own way.

I'm not angry my sister hasn't messaged me! I just find it ridiculous she doesn't care about me yet is constantly messaging my mum to know my business. That's why I think my mum should just tell her to message me direct. Doesn't mean I want her to or that I'll reply!

My mum did the same: told my brother. No ill intent at all. I’m close to my brother, but I was only telling my mum as I didn’t want to be getting stressed with people contacting me. And I was fed up about jusgy comments from other family members about c sections (not my brother btw) . And… my brother was so excited for me that he would have travelled to my city to be there to see me and baby as soon as he was allowed after the birth.

i just told my mum that I wasn’t wanting the news spread any further and once she realised that, she told no one else

OP, in the nicest possible way, put the phone down! Mute your messages, close Mumsnet, and do something relaxing. Get in the bath, go for a walk, get your partner to massage your feet!

Best wishes for tomorrow and congratulations in advance 💐

Oh love. The final days of pregnancy are so tough. Is it possible you are focusing on this rather then the fact you are having a c-section tomorrow?

Try not to stress, once baby is here you will forget all about it.

OP it's not wrong and its a perfectly valid choice but this business about being secretive with pregnancy and birth related related information is quite a new thing. I don't think it would occur to many people, particularly of older generations, to treat this information as confidential unless specifically told to.

Also, I'm not nervous or offsetting my emotions, im just a bit pissed off about it cause she hasn't had any interest in me or my pregnancy so I feel she has no right to know!

Im actually very excited about tomorrow. I got all my emotions out yesterday!

Yoh didn't tell her not to. She's a worried mum that's telling her daughter.

Dont be cross with her

You sister will know tomorrow anyway as the baby will have arrived.

I suspect that what you actually are is nervous (understandably) rather than annoyed about people knowing.

Put you phone on silent, put the kettle on, put your feet up and try to forget about everyone else ☕🍰

You're making no sense at all.

You didn't want your mum to tell her, but it didn't occur to you to actually tell your mum that. You expect her to mind read.

You don't want your sister to message you. So surely you should be glad that she isn't, and that instead of pestering you, she asks your mum.

You're being incredibly self centred and wanting things that are mutually incompatible. You don't seem to be able to see anyone else's reality or point of view. Just that they should both be expected to read your (very confused) mind.

I am a very private person, and consequently very respectful of others' privacy. But when one of my daughters was about to give birth and gave me information, if her sister asked me how things were going, it wouldn't occur to me not to tell her.

You didn't tell her not to.
You didn't want lots of messages
Your sister has not messaged you.
I'm not seeing a problem

YABU because you didn’t tell you mum not to tell her. I can understand why you are annoyed and it sounds like your sister is a pretty toxic person. However if you didn’t tell your mum not to tell your sister then I think it’s unfair to be angry with her specifically about telling your sister about the c section.

I do think your anger is probably about lots of other things I relation to the dynamic between you, your mum and sister. Maybe you should have a discussion with you mum generally about not giving your personal info to your sister. The. If she can’t stick to that you can decide what to tell her and what not to tell her.

Bizarre that your annoyed your sister knows your having a c section. She's going to find out at some point anyway.

If you wanted to keep it a secret you should have told your mum specifically not to tell her?

You don't want your sister to message you directly.
You don't want your sister to message your mum either.
Sounds like you need to tell your mum your going no contact with your sister and specially tell her to not disclose any information about you to her. Would that solve your issue?

You may need a chat with your mum once baby is here (good luck for tomorrow!) to agree on what you are happy for her to share with your sister going forward. Do you think your sister will contact you once baby is here?

@Strawberry06
First of all, congratulations on the impending arrival or your bundle! However,

I don't feel I put her in a difficult situation at all. All she had to say was she didn't know and tell my sister to contact me herself. I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting that?

But kindly, your mum did know and your sister did ask and it's not fair of you to expect her to lie. If you had asked her not to say anything and she had, then you would be right to feel upset. But by the sound of it, your mum has a better relationship with your sister than you do and she may have wanted to talk to someone about it. Put it out of your mind and concentrate on your new arrival when they get here! 😍

Stop being cross with your mother when you should be cross with your sister.

YABU, your mother is passing on your news. It’s not a secret.

Sometimes it is worth stepping back and identifying what is it actually you are angry about. Nothing happened, nothing changed.
You didn't want anyone to know because you didn't want messages. You didn't get any messages from your sister. How is today different from 3 days ago when she didn't know? It isn't. You are literally angry over nothing.
"She didn't have the right to tell" - she did. On the account of her being a human in possession of information that nobody ever told her was top secret.

You seem to have an odd attitude to c-sections. You'd need to be getting over that fairly rapidly. I don't get the need for it to be a secret. I think people were aware the baby was going to come out of you.

Yabu op. I assume it's your hormones as you are not being at all reasonable.

Please don’t make the c section into a huge deal. I’ve had Dc both ways - and it is no big deal. You’ll recover quicker if you can get your head round that - it upset me in the early days afterwards until I got some good advice from an old school friend who’s been through it.

You’ll need to be clear with your mum going forward - or just keep things to yourselves.

Hope all goes well - and enjoy your last day of rest!

I would imagine the majority of mothers would pass on that information to their other child and sibling of the person about to have a Caesarian or any other operation.

As soon as the baby has arrived you will also have all and sundry asking about the birth, are you breastfeeding, etc etc.

You don't have to tell all but birth is basically a community event!

As soon as the baby is here you will also be regaled with tales of labour, episiotomies, tears and incontinence etc. it's just the way it is! I don't see any reason to be cagey about having a c section. It's hardly unusual or embarrassing. Maybe post C-section constipation is embarrassing (stock up on fruit)

Good luck