Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Male friend wants more- I feel bad

61 replies

Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 11:54

He's honestly really attractive, much moreso than I am. I feel like he's nicer than me, more going for him and really out of my league, I am surprised he's interested and maybe subconsciously that's why I reject him.
We were good friends,we talked pretty much daily but understandably he has distanced himself a little now as he knows I don't want more.
I do fancy him, I just don't know what it is. He was a little reserved but so was I. I was interested, I just don't know what happened. When we saw each other we could talk for hours, we honestly got on so well.
He really hasn't done anything wrong. The day after we met up he asked me out again but I just didn't feel like it for some reason.
I've been single for such a long time. Honestly never had someone like him interested in me before, we get on so well too.
I'm probably being an idiot but anyway I've turned him down now. I feel like I led him on a little because I used to talk to him so much, even though it was as friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 11:56

He has a lot of talents and skills, speaks other languages and has lived in so many places. I just felt what can I even offer him.

OP posts:
muchalover · 20/02/2024 11:59

You don't owe him "more". It's two yeses or it's simply a no. And it's a no which is fine.

Being nice, chatty etc is not "leading him on".

Your self talk is very negative and you run yourself down a lot. You might want to address that.

dimllaishebiaith · 20/02/2024 11:59

We were good friends,we talked pretty much daily but understandably he has distanced himself a little now as he knows I don't want more.

No he wasnt a good friend. Good friendship isnt contingent on having sex. He wasn't a friend at all if he is unwilling to be a friend if you wont sleep with him

I feel like I led him on a little because I used to talk to him so much, even though it was as friends.

Being a friend with a man who you don't intend on having sex with is not leading them on. Him pretending to be your friend so you would fuck him is him leading you on.

Honestly women arent just there to provide sex on demand. We are living breathing people with our own feelings and needs. You aren't just there to cater to him when he decides its suddenly time to change the direction of the relationship.

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:01

dimllaishebiaith · 20/02/2024 11:59

We were good friends,we talked pretty much daily but understandably he has distanced himself a little now as he knows I don't want more.

No he wasnt a good friend. Good friendship isnt contingent on having sex. He wasn't a friend at all if he is unwilling to be a friend if you wont sleep with him

I feel like I led him on a little because I used to talk to him so much, even though it was as friends.

Being a friend with a man who you don't intend on having sex with is not leading them on. Him pretending to be your friend so you would fuck him is him leading you on.

Honestly women arent just there to provide sex on demand. We are living breathing people with our own feelings and needs. You aren't just there to cater to him when he decides its suddenly time to change the direction of the relationship.

Honestly it's not like that. He just wants to move on which is understandable. I'd feel awkward just hanging around as close friends if I felt something and they didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:02

muchalover · 20/02/2024 11:59

You don't owe him "more". It's two yeses or it's simply a no. And it's a no which is fine.

Being nice, chatty etc is not "leading him on".

Your self talk is very negative and you run yourself down a lot. You might want to address that.

Maybe, but I wasn't just friendly I messaged him tons and we got on really well. Met up alone etc. as I say I am attracted to him I just don't know what it is.

OP posts:
Haydenn · 20/02/2024 12:02

You don’t owe any man a relationship or sex and you don’t need any reason or justification for not wanting to pursue anything with anyone. And absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty.

The fact hat he has pulled back from the friendship says more about him than you. You’re allowed to talk to people and explore feelings- it isn’t leading them on!

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:03

Haydenn · 20/02/2024 12:02

You don’t owe any man a relationship or sex and you don’t need any reason or justification for not wanting to pursue anything with anyone. And absolutely shouldn’t feel guilty.

The fact hat he has pulled back from the friendship says more about him than you. You’re allowed to talk to people and explore feelings- it isn’t leading them on!

No he's not like that honestly, he just feels a bit awkward because of his feelings. He hasn't just ghosted me, he did explain. He will just need to move on a bit I suppose.

OP posts:
AmaryllisChorus · 20/02/2024 12:04

I get it. It can be an instinctive reaction: mismatch - different leagues! I'd feel deeply uncomfortable dating a man who is way better looking, wealthier etc than me. I would feel I couldn't relax. But might come around to the idea over time Grin

But...you are already friends and you already connect. It is so good that he wants a date because you get on so well and have so much to say to each other.

Why not just get in touch and suggest a meet up, get the spark of conversation going again? See how you feel.

fatphalange · 20/02/2024 12:04

It sounds like you either really like him or are trying to convince yourself you should, from what you've written on here. It's ok not to want to be with him.

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:04

I am more wondering if I've subconsciously rejected him because I feel he's out of my league. Because I do find him attractive.

OP posts:
AmaryllisChorus · 20/02/2024 12:05

The fact hat he has pulled back from the friendship says more about him than you. You’re allowed to talk to people and explore feelings- it isn’t leading them on!

That's unfair. Anyone might feel a bit embarrassed and a bit vulnerable after showing interest in a friend and being rejected. Men are allowed to have feelings and process them too.

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:05

AmaryllisChorus · 20/02/2024 12:04

I get it. It can be an instinctive reaction: mismatch - different leagues! I'd feel deeply uncomfortable dating a man who is way better looking, wealthier etc than me. I would feel I couldn't relax. But might come around to the idea over time Grin

But...you are already friends and you already connect. It is so good that he wants a date because you get on so well and have so much to say to each other.

Why not just get in touch and suggest a meet up, get the spark of conversation going again? See how you feel.

He's like model good looking, it's crazy. He literally has everything going. Honestly he's not cold shouldered me because I didn't sleep with him, he's just pulled back for a little bit as he wants to move on.

OP posts:
Markinatree · 20/02/2024 12:06

I don’t understand? Are you saying you do want to be with him but you feel you aren’t good enough for him?

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:06

AmaryllisChorus · 20/02/2024 12:05

The fact hat he has pulled back from the friendship says more about him than you. You’re allowed to talk to people and explore feelings- it isn’t leading them on!

That's unfair. Anyone might feel a bit embarrassed and a bit vulnerable after showing interest in a friend and being rejected. Men are allowed to have feelings and process them too.

Yes absolutely, if it were me I'd feel awkward because the other person would maybe start acting differently for fear of leading you on.

OP posts:
fatphalange · 20/02/2024 12:07

You're overthinking. If you fancy him and want to date him, you would know.
If you're confused then you're right that you're not in the right frame of mind to be dating anyway.

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:07

Markinatree · 20/02/2024 12:06

I don’t understand? Are you saying you do want to be with him but you feel you aren’t good enough for him?

It's almost like people would think what on earth is he doing with her. What have I got to offer him? And that puts me off.

OP posts:
randomchap · 20/02/2024 12:07

He's got to know you, and would like more than a friendship. That's not a bad thing.

Now he knows that those feelings aren't reciprocated he's backed off. That's perfectly understandable, the relationship is now unequal with you both wanting something different.

It's a shame you weren't on the same page.

You do seem very negative and hard on yourself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/02/2024 12:07

I think he sounds lovely! He clearly thinks more of you than you think of yourself.

StroppyTop · 20/02/2024 12:11

I can understand this. The cognitive dissonance between knowing he likes you like that and you feeling at heart that you’re not enough for him (wrongly).

I don’t know the answer, other than working on your self esteem and taking some
time to think about things (or just to not think about things, let it all percolate).

Flowers
StroppyTop · 20/02/2024 12:12

Also, who cares what other people may or may not think? They’re not on the inside of this (potential) relationship.

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:30

Is it normal to fancy someone, get on really well but not want to date?

OP posts:
CommentNow · 20/02/2024 12:37

Its gut instinct.

I've turned down a few lads in my youth that were handsome and popular and objectively out of my league.

They always turned out to be clingy or needy or I found out something later that I didnt like (one particularly memorable instance was reconnecting with an old spark, dating and so on. We went to bed together for the first time and that was the moment he chose to tell me he had a long distance girlfriend so he couldn't have sex with me because it "wouldnt be right because hes not like that!"). I left, obviously. He calls me the next day saying hes dumped her so would I like to go on a date! Mindblowing.

Trust your gut.

randomchap · 20/02/2024 12:39

Just because there are good signs it doesn't mean you have to date.

However, if you aren't dating because you feel you're not worth it, or aren't valuable enough, or don't deserve a good man, then maybe you need to look into this.

Original poster
Maybenotbaby · 20/02/2024 12:41

Yeah I understand, he hasn't been needy, just shown his interest. I can see why he thought I wanted more.

OP posts:
Turmerictolly · 20/02/2024 12:52

Sounds like you don't feel like you're good enough and that he'll ' find this out' eventually and reject you? Is that what you are afraid of? It sounds like you are attracted to him and he has good qualities and you enjoy being with him. Why not give it a chance if the door is still open? Be honest and just tell him why you're confused. What have you got to lose - he's already started to distance himself for self preservation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread