Male friend wants more- I feel bad

[Maybenotbaby]

He's honestly really attractive, much moreso than I am. I feel like he's nicer than me, more going for him and really out of my league, I am surprised he's interested and maybe subconsciously that's why I reject him.
We were good friends,we talked pretty much daily but understandably he has distanced himself a little now as he knows I don't want more.
I do fancy him, I just don't know what it is. He was a little reserved but so was I. I was interested, I just don't know what happened. When we saw each other we could talk for hours, we honestly got on so well.
He really hasn't done anything wrong. The day after we met up he asked me out again but I just didn't feel like it for some reason.
I've been single for such a long time. Honestly never had someone like him interested in me before, we get on so well too.
I'm probably being an idiot but anyway I've turned him down now. I feel like I led him on a little because I used to talk to him so much, even though it was as friends.

From what i have seen, a good friend scenario between opposite sexs where they meet up for drinks, go out together and at the others house will more often than not result in sex

OP, your choice, your life

It sounds like you to actually like him amd there's no negative to him.

You mention what others might think? Are you crazy? There's no way in hell that I would let a decent man that I find attractive go because of someone else's potential thoughts.

This seems to be more about your self esteem and not feeling good enough.

Is he decent, single and kind?
Are you attracted to him?

I also suspect you have the rose tinted glass on. The amount of people who describe their partner as extraordinarily good-looking is huge as most are just normal.

What's the real fear here?

He's great, I've been single for 5.5 years so it might just be me. I dunno what's missing.

That's somewhat unfair. He asked her out and got knocked back so has taken a step back - could be embarrassment, feels he misread the situation, just protecting himself, not wanting to come across as not listening or moving on.

The OP is saying she might have given the impression she wanted more too (and it seems she does). Am not sure anyone is 'the bad guy' here.

You sound like you really, really like him. I honestly don't see why you wouldn't give him a chance? You have plenty too offer him, or anyone. Everyone has their own unique talents and attributes and he likes you for yours.
If you feel like you are too vulnerable for a relationship, would you seek counselling to maybe help your feelings? Maybe if you can talk to someone you might gain confidence. Then you will see if you still care about him or not. It's better to work on yourself rather than focussing on this one bloke, if you know you are not willing to date him at this time, if ever.

I'm a woman and if I revealed romantic feelings for a good friend that weren't reciprocated, I would also back off from the friendship temporarily due to feeling awkward and vulnerable.

It is unfair to assume that because of his gender, his sole motive for befriending the OP was purely to get her into bed. Men are just as likely to be hurt by this as we are, it's just human nature to feel that way after being vulnerable with somebody and being rejected. It is easy for feelings to develop within friendships. Give him some time, it's a great healer.

OPs further posts have given the impression she wants more, unfortunately I wasnt gifted with futuresight so I was unable to tailor my reply to her future responses

I still think a guy who is "good friends" only until you refuse to have sex with him is a bad friend, but it feels more like this wasnt a friendship in the first place and more of a getting to know each other with the potential of a relationship, but again I couldnt have tailored my reply to the OPs future replies.

He still talks to me, it's just not an every day thing like we used to. He just needs a bit of space.

Are you going to regret not pursuing this? If so acknowledge your fears but don’t let them rule you.

if you aren’t going to regret not pursuing this then you’ve done the right thing, and as you say he needs a little space.

Self preservation perhaps?

I'm getting the feeling that you do like him but you don't like yourself. You seem to have a lack of self confidence and belief in yourself, why shouldn't someone like him want to be with you? I think you should give it a go and maybe agree to a date and see how you feel. I believe in loving yourself before you can love someone else though.

No lack of misandry on this thread. He wanted a deeper relationship and was rebuffed. He has every right in the world to step back in order to protect his emotions.

OP, you seem to have quite a bit of contempt for yourself, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a man until you have a healthy relationship with yourself. I suggest counseling to get to the root of the problem.

What do you actually want?

needs "space" until you change your mind and then for how long, until he meets a new friend? Your choice as I said earlier.

I understand this from the other side, I’ve recently ended a relationship with a man I really love as he always felt I was too good for him ( I don’t agree!) and had massive anxiety about it, it drove a wedge between us in the end. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP do you think you’re slightly afraid to change the status quo?
youve been single for a long time and now it looks like that could change but as much as you wanted a relationship (I’m presuming) you’re also realising that it will mean a change in your personal dynamics of how you live your life and maybe you’re ok as you are?

it sounds like a fear of change plus worry about what if it goes wrong is holding you back.

I think you should give it a go and try dating him tbh. If you can be such good friends to begin with and you said you are attracted to him then it's a very good sign. Your uncertainty just seems to be based on feeling like you aren't good enough. You'll inevitably discover that he isn't perfect because nobody is!

By your description he could have anyone but he wants you. You like everything about him. What's to lose by just giving it a go?

Have you explained to him how you feel about the whole situation or did you just say no ?

I don't think the man has done anything terrible. He developed feelings for his friend and on finding she doesn't feel the same way has withdrawn. That's the right thing to do, rather than say OK let's still be friends, if that's not what he's feeling.

OP if you've held back from what appears to be a good, attractive man, just because you're unsure of how the relationship could go,have that conversation with him

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say call him and be honest about what's going through your mind.

I have done this to myself again and again where I have sabotaged potential relationships because I didn't feel I was "good enough".

you can try to go on another date with him and see how you feel? focus on what you like about him and not your own perceived shortcomings. sounds like you might be afraid it won't work out because he is "out of your league" and are pre emptively rejecting him.

but all this is contingent on you actually wanting him in your life. if you genuinely have a part of you that's saying you don't want more, then that's that.

call him and be honest about what's going through your mind.

I wouldn’t do this. Calling someone to tell them how much you actually dislike yourself is never a good idea. Get a therapist and save it for them.

I second this, I really wouldn't tell him that you think he's too good for you.

Go into acting like an equal...because you are!

Thanks for your answers. I felt that I was interested then it was like I suddenly got this mental block..

He sounds great, maybe you should post his number here 😂

Seriously though, don’t feel bad - if you don’t want to, you can’t force it. It’s natural that he’ll need time to lick his wounds and has backed off, he sounds like he’s handled it pretty well to be honest. Just don’t overthink it.

I think you should go for it - you’re probably having a freak out. Try a few dates, just say to him you want to explore it and see how you feel. A great friendship and fancying him are solid foundations!