Do I appease this kid and her mean behaviour to give DD a quiet life?

[AperolSpritz01]

DD7 has unfortunately got a friend that isn’t very nice to her at school. Been going on for a year or so now - constant put downs, making a fuss if DD and another friend so much as talk to each other (cue “frenemy” wailing she’s being left out, telling everyone DD is being mean to her- for talking to someone else), encouraging others to laugh at DD and enjoying watching her discomfort….I’m not a fan. Her mum feeds into it and there’s a constant narrative of “poor….childs name” Does my head in!
I have to take my other DD to a hospital appointment this week and DD is going home with a friend. However I know there will be huge fuss from this girl as she always makes a huge scene if my DD and the girl who she views as being “her” friend talk to each other never mind go to one another’s house. In anticipation of this crap I’m wondering should I ask another friend to pick DD up who this girl doesn’t feel as possessive over?
Writing this down I’m aware how ridiculous it is that I’m considering making alternative arrangements to appease this type of behaviour but she can be awful to DD when she wants to be so I’m thinking would it spare her crap at school if she just went home with someone else.
Honestly- what would you do?
At school this girl seems to be held on a pedestal by the teachers as the child who can do no wrong so I don’t know that speaking to the class teacher would do much. Her mum as mentioned actively encourages it - we’ve been glared at and they’ve actually stood watching who’s going home with who before at the gate. I have heard her mum loudly saying nonsense like “are they not involving you in their conversation? Oh no poor you…..” so I don’t think her mum would be open to being told her daughter’s behaviour is an issue.
I feel so bad for DD. She’s such a gentle kid, probably half the reason this girl acts the way she does towards her, because there’s no consequence. I have coached DD so many times on how to respond/what to do,
to no avail, and it’s now at the point where im
even thinking of making alternative pickup arrangements so as not to set her off.
Mums with experience of this type of crap, please help!

Don't pander to this. Let your dd go home with who you want. Also teach your daughter to be more assertive- for example role playing at home with her scripted responses she can give in certain scenarios should she need to.

Don't pander, you need to consider what lessons you're teaching your DD here.

We do role play together all the time but she never seems to feel strong enough to actually implement any of it at school.

If you change the pick up you are reenforcing the message to your dd that appeasement is the way forward

How would you respond to this kids behaviour? She comes out of school head down pouting, mum makes a big fuss “what is it? Who’s upset you?” and then the finger pointing and “they’re leaving me out!!!!!! They’re talking to each other!!!!” starts.
It’s nuts, everyone seems conditioned to crowd around her “what’s wrong?!” and immediately the other kids stop talking, stop
playing, she’s got her way, it all just feels so wrong

Have you spoken to the teacher about this?
This is bullying

Even if your DD isn't able to stand up to her yet your modelling it will do her good in the long run. It be tempted to say a calm but firm, "don't be silly, the girls were just talking to each other" when her mother starts the fussing.

Not a direct answer to your question but just picking up on what you said about not speaking to the teacher because she's seen as a child who can do no wrong. My daughter had a similar kind of scenario and the girl was top of the class, cried if she didn't get perfect results and seemed to never dare to put a foot out of line e.g. being late or not doing her homework. However she was certainly unkind to my daughter. I spoke to the teacher and actually despite her being a 'good' student academically she was well aware of what this girl could be like with other children and how she manipulated and controlled who could play with who etc. So she acted on it very quickly and escalated it to the deputy head when things didn't immediately resolve. So my suggestion would be to raise it with the teacher anyway, you never know what they are seeing day to day and if they realise how much its affecting your daughter they may be able to intervene.

@Hobnobswantshernameback
DD describes the other girl as being the teachers favourite, apparently she is always believed over anyone else which is probably another reason DD doesn’t speak up.

The teachers think she can do no wrong - she is doing wrong by putting other kids down, so mention this to teachers.

If she starts bawling about being left out, I'd either ignore it or say 'yes, you can't some this time, maybe another time'

If the mum says her daughter is being left out, say 'she's not left out, she's just not in this particular situation, she can't come on every playdate anyone in the class has'

And I'd have a discreet talk with your DD about insecurity, people can be friends with who they want and trying to control people ultimately makes them dislike you. Friendship is about kindness and liking people as they are, not trying to make people do the things you want. So sometimes friends might play with someone else, doesn't mean they don't like you. How you can tell who is your friend etc.

This is important as it's the basis of emotional wellbeing, the friend is going to grow up to be a nightmare and emotionally manipulative, teachers should be on it but if they're not, don't pander to it. Tough tits if she's not in every conversation and playdate, that's life.

Speak to the teacher. My son has a similar child in his class. Constantly accusing other kids of bullying him when my son’s friendship group say that it’s him picking on them and they then stand up for each other. Child’s dad absolutely feeds into the narrative that he’s a victim. My son reported that the teachers always believe this child. Turns out, the school know exactly how manipulative this kid is and are not signing up to his narrative at all.

In terms of what you should do, I agree with the other posters. Do not change your plans. Encourage your child to have other friends that can stick together against the manipulative bully.

It's bullying OP and her dm is no better

Encourage your dd to develop other friendships and if possible distance herself from this girl

The other kids is a bully. Def speak to the teachers.

I bet there's at least one teacher that sees what's really going on here.

Well, of course not, if what you're saying and what you're doing are two entirely different things!

When a not dissimilar situation arose with DS, I did not interact with the other mother, I liaised with the teacher, said I wanted the other child kept as far as possible from DS in the classroom. Eventually things escalated, and together with other parents, I made a formal complaint to the School Board, and the parent was banned from school property, and from talking to any of the other children and their parents.

It doesn't matter whether the other parent is fabulous or hellish, or whether the child is the Second Coming of the Messiah in the school's iew -- you need to demonstrate civil assertiveness, boundaries and that you have your child's back.

And stop calling this child your child's 'friend'. She isn't.

Speak to the school, tell them that your DD doesn't speak up as she doesn't feel listened to. Your DD may be reading the situation incorrectly from that respect.

Definitely don't pander to this girl or her mum, no idea how you've managed not to respond to the mum so far! You've more restraint than me.

It’s really hard to describe, there’s just this false narrative that this kid is sweetness and light when she really isn’t, and her mum is really prim, and somehow everyone seems to fall over themselves to pander to them and everyone’s too polite to call any of it out.

I bet the teachers are on to her. Tell them your DD is going home with Amy and that Belinda seems to have a fixation with Amy and your DD "leaving her out" and you'd appreciate it if the teacher could keep an eye out.

If the teachers are onto her, why are other children disbelieved and hushed and why does she win star of the bloody week every single week 😂

Stop referring to the other girl as a friend. She is not exhibiting any friend behaviours.

Don't change anything about pickups or whatever to appease her. And I'd be tempted to roll my eyes if the mother starts with the "oh what's wrong...are they ignoring you" nonsense.

My friend is a teacher and just had an inset day on dealing with girls and friendship issues and essentially enabling them to navigate these problems.
Maybe the school need training?

girlsonboard.net/about/

Why on earth have you been letting this farce continue for a year?!

Your child is being bullied and you're contemplating appeasing the other girl and her fucking Mother?!

Be your daughter's voice in a situation she is unable to manage and needs help with!!!

My recommendation is to sign up yoir DD up for a martial arts class. Not so they can throw the offending kid over a wall, but to instill self confidence in her. My friends little girl was a victim of one of these horrible kids (I was too, in some respects, at school) she attends taikwondo and it has done wonders for confidence and self discipline. She even tidies her bedroom weekly!! (Nobody bullies her anymore)
Children like this can be found in most schools, and usually as their "victims" get a bit older and more assertive they often find that they are the friendless ones that nobody wants to hang round with .

I think you should start encouraging different friendships. Can you have others over for afterschool play dates? Meet up with other parents and their kids etc?