Do I appease this kid and her mean behaviour to give DD a quiet life?

[AperolSpritz01]

DD7 has unfortunately got a friend that isn’t very nice to her at school. Been going on for a year or so now - constant put downs, making a fuss if DD and another friend so much as talk to each other (cue “frenemy” wailing she’s being left out, telling everyone DD is being mean to her- for talking to someone else), encouraging others to laugh at DD and enjoying watching her discomfort….I’m not a fan. Her mum feeds into it and there’s a constant narrative of “poor….childs name” Does my head in!
I have to take my other DD to a hospital appointment this week and DD is going home with a friend. However I know there will be huge fuss from this girl as she always makes a huge scene if my DD and the girl who she views as being “her” friend talk to each other never mind go to one another’s house. In anticipation of this crap I’m wondering should I ask another friend to pick DD up who this girl doesn’t feel as possessive over?
Writing this down I’m aware how ridiculous it is that I’m considering making alternative arrangements to appease this type of behaviour but she can be awful to DD when she wants to be so I’m thinking would it spare her crap at school if she just went home with someone else.
Honestly- what would you do?
At school this girl seems to be held on a pedestal by the teachers as the child who can do no wrong so I don’t know that speaking to the class teacher would do much. Her mum as mentioned actively encourages it - we’ve been glared at and they’ve actually stood watching who’s going home with who before at the gate. I have heard her mum loudly saying nonsense like “are they not involving you in their conversation? Oh no poor you…..” so I don’t think her mum would be open to being told her daughter’s behaviour is an issue.
I feel so bad for DD. She’s such a gentle kid, probably half the reason this girl acts the way she does towards her, because there’s no consequence. I have coached DD so many times on how to respond/what to do,
to no avail, and it’s now at the point where im
even thinking of making alternative pickup arrangements so as not to set her off.
Mums with experience of this type of crap, please help!

@TheYearOfSmallThings sorry, I don’t follow?

I would do a few things

Ask the teacher for a meeting and let them know that you're seeing behaviour which is concerning you in regards to controlling who your daughter can/can't play with/talk to, which is really worrying. Ask for it to be monitored and ask for a feedback plan. Do this alone not with other parents also raising their concerns or it would then look like ganging up. Bear in mind that your daughter not wanting to 'stand up to it' is also being mirrored in yourself while you pander to it.

Become okay with speaking up yourself. Nothing aggressive, if she asks 'oh poor you are they leaving you out?' Just look really confused and say 'you're not talking about X and Y are you?' If she says yes then 'they're just talking together, I don't understand what you mean with leaving out, people sometimes talk in twos, they definitely weren't laughing, pointing or being unkind?'

Oh and definately crack on with play dates with the other friends. If the mum gets bold and comes and asks you why hers is left out let her know that your daughter is happy to be her daughters friend, but won't be forced to have no other friends. Avoid further discussions on that matter

What HAF said.

Give the teacher a chance.

IME when something is distressing is about our dc at school - we become less objective about everyone's position.

This is stressing you and your dd - so that is enough if a reason to bring it up.

But I always go to a school with praise, positivity, looking for advice and speaking only about the impact of the situation on you dc in school. That's your right and it's your focus.

I’d avoid them like the plague and encourage your daughter to do the same. This’ll get worse as they get older, not better. The mum sounds like a pita and she’ll raise her daughter to be similar

Tbf in a small school, the other girl and her mum will quickly get a reputation as more and more ppl will catch on

I've got perspective as a parent whose DD went through the same thing and also now as a member of school staff at a different primary school that deals with this frequently.

A few years back, when DD was aged 7, she was being picked on by another girl we first thought was a friend. Manipulating by saying "I'll be your friend today but not tomorrow" and telling other girls not to be friends with DD, to the point that DD was alone lots of the times the other girls didn't want to be picked on next. It's called 'Relational bullying' and some girls in particular go through this. DD's 'frenemy' came from a home where mum had mental health issues and parents going through a v nasty separation - this was causing the 'frenemy' to act out. The mum was known to school due to these issues. The teachers tried, but ultimately the frenemy was emotionally damaged, things didn't resolve so we moved school.

As a member of school staff I see many children try to navigate friendships and it is hard! Trying to unravel what is happening in order to support them takes time - it's never quick to get to the bottom of what is going on and I can guarantee what your DD is saying is only from her perspective. There may be a wider picture of what else is going on, which you may not be aware of, so please do contact the teacher and put across your concerns. It may be that your DD's 'frenemy' also has things going on in her life, causing her to act out this way. That doesn't mean she gets a free pass, but you may not know about it. The school may well do and can approach it in a way that supports both children to move forward.

And yes, "Star of the Week" can be used as motivation for those children whose behaviour can be challenging; children who have SEN, SEMH or other factors influencing their behaviour. We also use 'reward time' or movement breaks, or time out for these children, which, on the face of it, look like they are getting special treatment, but it is just a way of managing their behaviour. So just bear that in mind, in case this is what is happening here.

TL:DR Speak to teacher!

What? You all sound like utter drips. No wonder your DD can't stand up for herself if this is example she has! Restart the playdates with others and go grey rock on mumzilla.