Do I appease this kid and her mean behaviour to give DD a quiet life?

[AperolSpritz01]

DD7 has unfortunately got a friend that isn’t very nice to her at school. Been going on for a year or so now - constant put downs, making a fuss if DD and another friend so much as talk to each other (cue “frenemy” wailing she’s being left out, telling everyone DD is being mean to her- for talking to someone else), encouraging others to laugh at DD and enjoying watching her discomfort….I’m not a fan. Her mum feeds into it and there’s a constant narrative of “poor….childs name” Does my head in!
I have to take my other DD to a hospital appointment this week and DD is going home with a friend. However I know there will be huge fuss from this girl as she always makes a huge scene if my DD and the girl who she views as being “her” friend talk to each other never mind go to one another’s house. In anticipation of this crap I’m wondering should I ask another friend to pick DD up who this girl doesn’t feel as possessive over?
Writing this down I’m aware how ridiculous it is that I’m considering making alternative arrangements to appease this type of behaviour but she can be awful to DD when she wants to be so I’m thinking would it spare her crap at school if she just went home with someone else.
Honestly- what would you do?
At school this girl seems to be held on a pedestal by the teachers as the child who can do no wrong so I don’t know that speaking to the class teacher would do much. Her mum as mentioned actively encourages it - we’ve been glared at and they’ve actually stood watching who’s going home with who before at the gate. I have heard her mum loudly saying nonsense like “are they not involving you in their conversation? Oh no poor you…..” so I don’t think her mum would be open to being told her daughter’s behaviour is an issue.
I feel so bad for DD. She’s such a gentle kid, probably half the reason this girl acts the way she does towards her, because there’s no consequence. I have coached DD so many times on how to respond/what to do,
to no avail, and it’s now at the point where im
even thinking of making alternative pickup arrangements so as not to set her off.
Mums with experience of this type of crap, please help!

Maybe because parents don´t speak up? Whereas the mother of that particular girl presumably does?

Teachers are humans. They need you to tell them if there´s anything they should be aware of (but unfortunately aren´t)!

It’s a very boy heavy class in a small school. Think 6 other girls in the whole class. And they all bow down to what little madam commands.

does she have any boy friends you could invite over?
mine have play dates with both and they usually go really well

Yeah she does get on well with the boys. imterestingly, she has no problems standing up for herself with the boys in the class. But she fears being shunned by the girls if she speaks up for herself particularly against this girl.

Don’t be fooled by star of the week - in DCs class it was, without exception, given to every child at least once a year and given multiple times to “children with challenging behaviour” when they exhibited “good behaviour”. If this kid is winning it multiple times I’d bet it’s because the school are on to her (and the mum) and are trying to bring about a change

Speak to the teacher, they will be aware of the issue, the school needs to refocus the other girl into different friendships so that she isn't focusing on your daughter. Hard as it seems teach your daughter that it's OK to say no to the other child's behaviour and to report it to the teacher each and every time. There is training available to teachers helping to negotiate girls friendships but your daughter needs support now

My DD had a similar bully, she's a bit older. Friend, frenemy, bully, very up and down and controlling from the other girl who is the child of one of the teacher. I left it far to long, eventually I ended up flat out saying my DD wasn't allowed to be near that girl anymore because of the massive negative impact it was having on her mental health. One of DDs friends left the school because of this same girl. I think from the Mum's behaviour after I spoke to DDs teacher that someone told her, but so far the girl hasn't been near my DD since so I don't care. Having been through this with DD and if that's only 6 girls in her year level, Id be thinking seriously about moving school. DDs school have 4 classes per year level and it was still hard for her to avoid her bully.

It’s not clear from your posts if you’ve actually tried speaking to the teacher?

You obviously really dislike the other child - try to remember she is just seven years old. If her parent is modelling poor behaviour, it will help both her and your child for you to have a sensible conversation with the teacher.

I know this is going to be very controversial but as a teacher of children this age I feel like I have maybe a different perspective (also a mum to primary age child too) Children often don’t tell their parents the whole story, I am not saying this child isn’t unkind to your child but in my experience things are almost always more 50/50 than either parent believes. No one likes to think their child is unkind or leaving others out etc but most children do unfortunately do this on occasion. It’s a normal part of being a child. I’d speak to the teacher but try and keep an open mind and ask open questions about the dynamics between the girls in the class rather than being accusatory or defensive

I agree. Are you sure it’s not 6 of one and half a dozen of another. Does your daughter and her friend leave her out? Obviously you are going to believe your daughter’s version of events but the fact that everyone else seems to get on with the child makes me think there could be two sides to the story.

Sorry didn’t mean to drip feed; other girl has had several run-in’s with the girl over unkind behaviour. I know her mum tried to broach it to the girls mum and she wouldn’t hear of it. I’ve witnessed the girls behaviour too many times to count on play dates (& how mum doesn’t pull her up on it) so now we don’t have play dates.

Well if several girls are experiencing this then maybe it would be a good idea to club together and actually have the playmates and be firm on it and deal with it ?

we don’t have play dates with this girl any more. but the play dates with the other friend have also stopped because she makes such a fuss I think it all became too awkward and we were made to feel like we were sneaking around if the girls ever got together.
I think we were too polite about it all and it was allowed to grow and grow and now there’s a situation where everyone tiptoes around the girl and her mum and don’t know how to end it

You need to stop this now OP. Next time you witness something in the playground with kid and barmy mother say dont be silly xxx everyone is allowed to choose who they want to play with, you are making a fuss over nothing. Then tell mother of said kid that the girls are not getting on and your daughter Will not be dictated to or made to feel bad. Embarrass the mother and the rest will follow.Under no circumstances should this child and her barmy mother affect what you choose to do in or out of school. Now many say leave it to school to handle I say sort the parents every time. I know this works cos I had loads of crap to deal with and school were useless.I sorted it each and every time. You should be your daughters advocate and biggest cheerleader so stop taking this crap and put it to bed.They dont like it tough.Its your business what you do as a family not theirs,They dont like it ? fuck em!

Go to the school and be prepared to keep going back until they take you seriously. Otherwise nothing will change.

OP you are complaining that everyone keeps pandering to this girl yet you are contemplating doing so too at your own daughter’s expense!

Don’t worry if the girl is upset, sound like she is mean to your daughter anyway so why would this make any difference? You should be your daughter’s strongest advocate and role model - what message are you sending her if you change your plans to appease her arch nemesis?

Whe she starts finger pointing, go over to her. Ask her directly and faux naively what the problem is. Then propose a faux naieve solution. Oh dear, that is upsetting. Let's go to the head teacher together and see what we can do about it shall we?

What? You dont want to go to the teacher and explain your pretend problem? Because its manipulative bullshit? And youd be embarrassed to be seen for what you are doing when you say you're sad someone is helping someone else with childcare? Ok then. Perhaps let's not worry about it this time. But if it happens again, of course, you'll have to see the hadteacher as you dont want to be unfair ...

I had a very similar experience with my daughter and her friend group, the only way you can handle this is to be very direct with the school about the behaviour.

And if the mother says anything be very clear and direct with her too. People like this seem to be very thick skinned.

YABU because you haven't said anything to the school and this has been going on for so long. You are enabling this behaviour and teaching your child to do nothing in this situation. This kid is bullying all the other girls in the class. Go to the teacher. And keep going in. Escalate to the head of the school if needs be. But stop ignoring it.

I can guarantee the teachers probably are fully aware but there is little that can be done as the parents will always back their child and it comes down to 'feelings'. I had a child like this in my class one year. The parents were constantly complaining about another child being mean to their dd and how she was so kind etc etc. There was no chance they could ever concede that their dd was manipulating them and others to essentially get her own way.

OP totally feel you (and from experience teachers are not on to it and never will be!) you need to model for your daughter otherwise she will grow up thinking that appeasing this girls (and other peoples) feelings is more important than her own feelings. It’ll be hard but stop pandering to her, put your daughter first, start migrating her away from this girl and don’t look back.

I think we were too polite about it all and it was allowed to grow and grow and now there’s a situation where everyone tiptoes around the girl and her mum and don’t know how to end it

Well now you do know how to end it.
Stop sneaking around ffs and go about your life going where you want. So what if the child points or pouts?🤷‍♀️ it doesn't actually affect your life unless you let it.

If anything else is actually said to you , just tell it like it is "Your child keeps trying to control who my child speaks to so I've told her to ignore that behaviour and carry on" and off you go.

I voted that YANBU, but at the same time, I wouldn't change the plan. You're right to be concerned about the fall out of this for your DD, but as others have said, cow towing to this child will set the wrong example to your daughter. All you can do is continue to role play etc and prepare your DD for all of the unkind/entitled people that she's likely to meet over the course of her lifetime. Good luck!

You are putting too much weight on a 7 year olds account of what the teachers think, you need to speak to them yourself. They are professionals and they ought to deal with your concerns, regardless of their feelings about the girl. I agree that regular "star of the week" suggests they know there are problems. You seem to have bought in to the idea that she is teacher's favourite.

You are just making stuff up now, and it is making me doubt your narrative.