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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband said I spat on him and telling toddler this

62 replies

rolldoll · 19/02/2024 09:23

Woke up and I could hear something going on downstairs and my husband was shouting 'pack it in' at our toddler but sort like, through his teeth if that makes sense? It sounded very aggressive. I went downstairs and asked what was going on, and he just went off on this list of all the things our toddler had done to wind him up. Toddler was in tears. I gave him a cuddle and husband walked out the room obviously pissed off. I put toddler down and followed him and said please don't ever talk to him that aggressively and my husband was continuing to be aggressive saying "I fucking didn't, all I said was pack it in" and I said "you said pack it in" but imitated the way he did it, through gritted teeth in a very angry aggressive tone. My husband threw himself back and with his eyes wide shouted "you fucking spat on me, you dirty cow! You spat on me!"

I've tried to talk to him since but he's absolutely furious that I spat on him and that he's disgusted with me and keeps repeating how dirty I am. I in no way shape or form intended to spit on him, I didn't think or realise I had, I just did the gritted teeth thing he did to our toddler back to him. My toddler keeps saying to me "mummy we don't spit on people!" Which is making me feel really shit because I don't want them to think I'd do that, but when I defend myself and say I didn't my husband piles up "you bloody did"

AIBU to think that I didn't spit at him? If spit came out when I was sort of showing him the way in which he said it that clearly wasn't planned and it's not fair for him to make out I literally spat at him?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 19/02/2024 09:29

And you have sex with this delightful man? What a disrespectful man.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/02/2024 09:30

Is he usually this vile? His language towards you is appalling.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/02/2024 09:32

He totally deflected the argument fyi. He’s twisted it and made it about YOU and YOU spitting when actually the issue is his out of control anger and vitriol.

Please tell me this is a one off and that he’s not normally so shouty and agressive?

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2024 09:33

Are there other issues in the relationship? I’m imagining that this has not come out of the blue.

OLDbutnotforgotten · 19/02/2024 09:36

@Dogdilemma2000 is right- it’s deflection.

he knows he’s in the wrong and is trying to turn it around and make this about your behaviour- not his.

GabriellaMontez · 19/02/2024 09:37

Yanbu. We all know you didn't spit on him.

Forget.the 'spit', it's not really the issue here. It's just him distracting you from his disgusting behaviour.

Is he usually an absolutely wonderful man? Is this the first time he's spoken to you like this?

Happyinarcon · 19/02/2024 09:39

He knows you didn’t spit on him but he wants you to waste your time defending yourself

redskyatnight2023 · 19/02/2024 09:45

Yep total deflection so you become the issue and the focus is on that not on addessing his behaviour. He has to make you out to be worse than him. My ex used to do this all the time, it's an awful way to treat someone you're supposed to love. Does he do this often?

Overtheatlantic · 19/02/2024 09:46

I would die on this hill.

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/02/2024 09:47

I'm afraid you are not married to a normal man. He sounds absolutely off his fucking head. I'd be making plans.

Fannyfiggs · 19/02/2024 09:53

Is he quite sane?

This is not normal and as the PP have said, it's a deflection to make this your fault.

Do not engage any further with this conversation apart from telling him you will not tolerate this behaviour from him and he should seek help if he expects your marriage to continue.

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/02/2024 09:55

Overtheatlantic · 19/02/2024 09:46

I would die on this hill.

Not really a good turn of phrase to use when there’s a man with potential anger issues.

Babsexxx · 19/02/2024 09:56

O shit….no I wouldn’t be tolerating this nonsense! Is he always this narcissistic or?! I would be making some plans what a prick.

Isnsneii · 19/02/2024 09:56

Well you should tell him this is exactly how our small toddler child feels when you shower them in your spit when you speak to them like shit through gritted teeth.

stop apologising to him OP he’s a prick.

badwolf82 · 19/02/2024 09:58

DARVO. Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/

Overtheatlantic · 19/02/2024 09:59

Dogdilemma2000 · 19/02/2024 09:55

Not really a good turn of phrase to use when there’s a man with potential anger issues.

Yep, sorry OP!

Shiningout · 19/02/2024 10:04

Yeah he's managed to now turn the argument into being about you doing something to him rather than the issue which was him being aggressive to a toddler. So predictable these types of blokes, it's pathetic.

pickledandpuzzled · 19/02/2024 10:06

Came on to say DARVO

I don’t think there’s a happy ending to this, OP. He isn’t going to change his behaviour he’s going to blame you for everything he does.

Start planning.

chiwwy · 19/02/2024 10:13

He's gaslighting you to draw attention away from his abusive behaviour to you and your child.

I would be making plans to leave and protect your child.

BeardieWeirdie · 19/02/2024 10:31

Stop questioning yourself. Leave this aggressive arsehole and keep your child safe.

BlackBean2023 · 19/02/2024 10:33

What does this delightful man bring to your life other than aggression and trauma for your child.

Bin him OP, no excuses.

Sillysausagedog · 19/02/2024 10:34

He's saying you spat on him to deflect away from shouting at your child through gritted teeth.

Tell him you did not spit on him, you may have spat when you spoke, but you did not spit at him.

I'd also make plans to leave.

Trying to get your toddler on side is disgusting way to use him against you.

fuchsteufelswild · 19/02/2024 10:36

Tragic, just tragic. Please leave this poor excuse for a man. Thinking about the spitting thing is like wiping a droplet off a deckchair on the titanic.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 19/02/2024 10:37

He's like my XH, if you stand up to him he finds a way to punish and undermine you and make you question yourself. XH accused me of shouting at him when he was angry at the kids, then all under 5. I blocked the doorway so he couldn't go in and yell at them so he yelled really loudly saying I was yelling and how disgusting that was and how dare I. What he meant was how dare I not him scream at our kids, how dare I not back down. He's furious you called him out so he's trying to undermine you and make you doubt yourself so he can get back in control and not be called to book over his horrible treatment of your toddler.

justcallmebettty · 19/02/2024 10:38

I’d just rinse and repeat that you spat when you spoke by accident and did not knowingly or meaningfully spit on him.

im sure we’ve all been in the situation where in a conversation you’ve mistakenly spat a bit. I’ve done it and had it done to me.

tbh OP, I don’t think a bit of your spittle landed on him. I think he’s making it up to make you look bad a deflect from the way he behaved.

id consider whether this relationship is worth your time.