Husband said I spat on him and telling toddler this

[rolldoll]

Woke up and I could hear something going on downstairs and my husband was shouting 'pack it in' at our toddler but sort like, through his teeth if that makes sense? It sounded very aggressive. I went downstairs and asked what was going on, and he just went off on this list of all the things our toddler had done to wind him up. Toddler was in tears. I gave him a cuddle and husband walked out the room obviously pissed off. I put toddler down and followed him and said please don't ever talk to him that aggressively and my husband was continuing to be aggressive saying "I fucking didn't, all I said was pack it in" and I said "you said pack it in" but imitated the way he did it, through gritted teeth in a very angry aggressive tone. My husband threw himself back and with his eyes wide shouted "you fucking spat on me, you dirty cow! You spat on me!"

I've tried to talk to him since but he's absolutely furious that I spat on him and that he's disgusted with me and keeps repeating how dirty I am. I in no way shape or form intended to spit on him, I didn't think or realise I had, I just did the gritted teeth thing he did to our toddler back to him. My toddler keeps saying to me "mummy we don't spit on people!" Which is making me feel really shit because I don't want them to think I'd do that, but when I defend myself and say I didn't my husband piles up "you bloody did"

AIBU to think that I didn't spit at him? If spit came out when I was sort of showing him the way in which he said it that clearly wasn't planned and it's not fair for him to make out I literally spat at him?

Your husband is using preschool tactics to deflect from his own aggressive behaviour.

OP, do you really think the spitting is the big problem here? Is this really your idea of an even somewhat functional household? Your grown man husband terrorising your toddler and then calling you a dirty cow?

I despair.

He sounds not all there. What a weirdo!

Actually spitting on someone is a very clear and deliberate act, you can't mistake it for a bit of spit that might come out when talking. You wondering if you did so makes it unlikely this is the first time he's twisted things like this. He knows you didn't spit at him, you know. because if you spat at someone intentionally you'd know, but you don't trust yourself anymore. That's how gaslightling works, after being exposed to it for a while you start to doubt yourself and your own recollections.

He was out of order
You pulled him up on it
He didn't like that
He's deflected back to you so now you can argue about you being disgusting instead of him being aggressive to a child.

I'd ignore him for now and when you have time alone and ideally he has calmed down. Talk through strategies he can use when he gets overwhelmed. Explain that while he may feel he doesn't look aggressive to a child and a woman he does. And does he want either of you to be scared of him?

How he responds will be telling. And you also have to consider this is how he behaves in front of you , what would he say to your toddler when you are not there
Also discuss the swearing, he shouldn't be speaking to you like that.

You need to get yourself and your poor child away from this man.

He sounds like an absolute prick. Manipulative and dark too. I’d get rid.

Oh for pity's sake, you probably did a tiny bit of spittle and he' using this as an excuse to blame YOU for his poor b behaviour. You're supposed to beg his forgiveness for your appalling behaviour while completely forgetting the way that he behaved towards you and your toddler.

I'm sure this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. He does something shitty, you get upset and then 10 seconds later you're "abusing' him or something?

Aggressive and defensive man, DARVO-ing on a small child's mother in their presence. Not a great environment for a child.

I hope your making plans to leave him.

This is called projection. He has been aggressive and disgusting so he's accusing you of it.

You can say 'I'm sorry if any spit came out of my mouth accidentally you're well aware I didn't do it on purpose and the only reason it happened is I was going an impression of you- let's both agree to not talk to anyone in this house in that way moving forwards
Ok?'

Yes!

Yes although op also will probably be worried about this awful man having unsupervised time alone with the toddler

Gaslighting wankstain. It'll only get worse op.

Aggressive, nasty piece of shit that is already fucking up your toddler and your's life.

I would not be leaving a man like this alone with my child. He sounds extremely unpleasant and with the potential to become physically violent.

This!

Get away from this bloke pronto.

Wow. That’s an outstanding DARVO demonstration. And this should be you wake up call to leave.

DARVO. You should be making plans to get out.

You are in an abusive relationship.

What a horrific way for a parent to talk to a toddler. Let alone to you.

He sounds pretty abusive. Is he often like this?

OP we are all very concerned for you and your toddler. Try to reach out for real world support. Your husband’s behavior is very concerning and it will not get better. He doesn’t see it as a problem.

You are questioning your behaviour for inadvertently getting spittle on his face when mimicking his atrocious behaviour towards your young child, and should instead be making plans to leave this bad tempered, manipulative piece of crap.

I am going to ask the obvious question, one which previous posters have also asked....has he got history of such behaviour? Primarily the dramatising what happened and using your toddler to gang up? (Read that last bit again if you don't need any more affirmation that his behaviour is despicable. What grown man uses a toddler to back him up).

If he has history of it, if it were me, I'd have this one as the final straw. There is a massive difference between a deliberate spit at someone and some saliva coming out your mouth when talking. He is twisted to turn it around, and people who display twisted behaviour are bloody dangerous. This situation even more so as there is a child involved.

If this is a first for him with zero background of any behaviour like this, sounds like he is experiencing a mental health episode of sorts. Not that it's any excuse, but maybe worth getting him to get help if he comes round and shows some remorse.

Either way, no acceptance of any blame or any remorse for what he did, i'd be getting my ducks in a row.

Lets be clear: he was aggressive and threatening to your toddler for being an innocent toddler. He accused your child of deserving this treatment and when you imitated it he flew into an even greater rage with you—his own behavior is so horrendous to him that he himself can’t tolerate it.

Get to a minimum safe distance. He could easily hurt or kill your toddler, and you, and deny that it is his fault.

Of course you didn't spit on him OP. He's gaslighting you. He sounds like a massive arsehole.

Telling a toddler to pack it in through gritted teeth sounds ok, it is better than shouting at them? You hugging the child undermined him. But the way he spoke to you afterwards, calling you a cow etc is not good.