Husband said I spat on him and telling toddler this

[rolldoll]

Woke up and I could hear something going on downstairs and my husband was shouting 'pack it in' at our toddler but sort like, through his teeth if that makes sense? It sounded very aggressive. I went downstairs and asked what was going on, and he just went off on this list of all the things our toddler had done to wind him up. Toddler was in tears. I gave him a cuddle and husband walked out the room obviously pissed off. I put toddler down and followed him and said please don't ever talk to him that aggressively and my husband was continuing to be aggressive saying "I fucking didn't, all I said was pack it in" and I said "you said pack it in" but imitated the way he did it, through gritted teeth in a very angry aggressive tone. My husband threw himself back and with his eyes wide shouted "you fucking spat on me, you dirty cow! You spat on me!"

I've tried to talk to him since but he's absolutely furious that I spat on him and that he's disgusted with me and keeps repeating how dirty I am. I in no way shape or form intended to spit on him, I didn't think or realise I had, I just did the gritted teeth thing he did to our toddler back to him. My toddler keeps saying to me "mummy we don't spit on people!" Which is making me feel really shit because I don't want them to think I'd do that, but when I defend myself and say I didn't my husband piles up "you bloody did"

AIBU to think that I didn't spit at him? If spit came out when I was sort of showing him the way in which he said it that clearly wasn't planned and it's not fair for him to make out I literally spat at him?

@Notamum12345577

Telling a toddler to pack it in through gritted teeth sounds ok, it is better than shouting at them?

It's not an either or situation, there are alternatives.

It sounds fine to me though

@Notamum12345577

It sounds fine to me though

And?

It isn’t fine. It’s aggressive and threatening even to adults and very scary to a child. It shows a lack of emotional control on the part of the parent. It’s also totally unnecessary.

And what? He was telling their child off (we don’t know the background of how naughty the child has been), in a while that I think is acceptable (if the naughtiness was particularly bad) and she undermined him. But I have already said, how he behaved after that was not on.

I do think you undermined your husband, coming in and scooping up and comforting the child who was just being told off. Presumably the kid was doing something wrong.

However your husband has behaved despicably to you subsequently. I couldn't be with someone who twisted things like that.

This talk of “undermining “ the husband is so revolting. He’s not a good parent and he’s not the king. Comforting a toddler is what you do when toddler is distressed or overwhelmed. Its a toddler not a teenager.

I vehemently disagree. You certainly don't start presenting a united front only when parenting teens.

Getting frustrated with a toddler on a Sunday morning isn't an indication of someone not being a good parent. He needed a tag team, mum to come in and take over as he was getting too frustrated. Instead mum came in and rather than taking the child off as a distraction or agreeing that they need to stop doing X or Y, or saying to DH "wow, sounds frustrating, I can take over you go and have a reset" she has minimised any of the annoying things the toddler was doing (and let's face it, a toddler can be bloody annoying) and has picked toddler up and comforted him.
That is classic undermining - parent 1 lays down the law asking child to stop an action, parent 2 comes in and rescues child from having to take any responsibility for their actions. Obviously at toddler age I am talking very limited - eg let's say dad is frustrated because toddler wanted toast, but the toast provided was "wrong" and the child upended the plate, making amends might just be picking up the toast from the floor. The other parent swooping in and preventing the child from picking up the toast because they are upset is not helpful and does undermine the first parent. A child can sometimes be upset because they are being asked to do something perfectly reasonable that they don't want to do.

What happened subsequently with the DARVO is revolting, and puts OP's actions into the shade, but OP could probably do to think about what messages her actions are giving too.

You really can’t split the baby, here though! The man who LIES to his toddler and accuses the mother of spitting on him is not a good person or a good parent. He is not in control of his emotions and therefore her assessment that he was inappropriately aggressive with the toddler fir being a toddler and s probably correct. She did need to intervene to protect her child.

I don’t often say this but LTB. Yesterday.

I can’t disagree with this enough.

It really isn’t