Friend won't accept no for an answer

[CrDrFr]

Friend told me she's going on an activity holiday with about ten others, most of whom I know but would consider acquaintances more than friends, then said "I'll send you the details", but didn't actually ask me!

I replied saying, "if you're asking me, I'm not interested, I'm planning on taking a short break at home this year", which is true, but also, lovely as my friend is, I'm not interested in holidaying with most of the others.

She then said "do both, you only live once, I'll change your mind yet", etc.

I'm not great with being firm with people, so any advice appreciated.

She's also been encouraging me to join a running club she's in... I prefer to run alone!

How to be firm?

The holiday 3 times now, running club about 5!

Rest assured @CrDrFr being firm is something you can definitely become better at with practice. I used to go along with things for an “easier life” when I had no interest in doing whatever I was going along with. It’s not worth it.
As daft as this might sound try saying, “no,” in a humourous way but at the same time like you mean it to begin with. This is how I started with insistent family and friends. I’d bellow out, “NO!” and it would cause some chuckling due to how I’d said it. Think Brian Blessed type bellowing! It became something they’d imitate and laugh about. However, I found it easier every time I did this and friends/family soon learned trying to convince me to change my mind was a waste of time.
The Brian Blessed bellowing has since been toned down in volume!

Re the running group, it’s perfectly reasonable to say your exercise time is your “me time,” which applies to many people.
With the activity group holiday, whenever I hear the words “activity holiday” I immediately don’t think that sounds in any way a relaxing, taking things at your own pace holiday. Perfectly reasonable to say, “I need my vacation time to be restful and doing things at my own pace.”

This. I always used to make up excuses and friend would always come up with solutions as her happiness was always put above my needs. I was such a people pleaser it would tie me up in knots having these battles.

i eventually grew the “don’t give a shit gene” and just started saying no - funny as since this change in me she no longer wants to be friends 🤷🏽‍♀️

Just saw this after posting my previous reply. You have the patience of a saint!
This friend is being ridiculously unreasonable persistently asking you about both the running club and holiday so many times. I think you need to voice your frustration with this person.
Perhaps point out how many times she’s asked and say it’s aggravating as fcuk because quite honestly not taking no for an answer and not backing off after that many occasions is aggravating.

Annoying, but I would just laugh it off ‘nope, not this time’ and move the conversation on whenever she mentions it. Don’t give any reasons or justify yourself, you’ve already told her the reason.
Not worth making a big thing of it if you otherwise enjoy the friendship.

"Please stop asking. The answer will always be no, I'm not interested"

@CrDrFr Be honest about the real reasons you don’t want to go.

We always just say we don’t like stuff - I hate going to the gym. I would expect people to just accept that but if I’m really deep down honest it’s because I’m embarrassed that I don’t know what I’m doing in there compared to all the gym buffs…

You might not want to go because of financial reasons, because you won’t feel comfortable with 10 people you’re not close to, because you want to stay with your family…

If you give her a reason from the heart about why you don’t want to go and she still carries on then she’s not a very caring friend x

She can't force you, you would have to actually pay and book the holiday. Just don't do that, then keep repeating how you don't want to go

This is lovely in theory, depending on how her friend is. I’m definitely projecting my own experiences but none of that mattered to my friend. She took it that I just didn’t want to spend time with her…which in the end was true.

“Nah, not my thing.”

Then don’t book it.

Done.

I have a friend who I made through a hiking group. We see each other out of the group as well as still hiking with them. They do some weekends away in the UK and also overseas. She has asked me to come along. I was very honest with her that I just don’t like the thought of an entire big group weekend away plus I’m not a big drinker and this is very much hike daytime get drunk at night. Plus the rooms are often shared between 4 and I just don’t know a lot of these women well. We have agreed to go away together the two of us sometime.

If you have problems being firm with people, I suggest you learn about the "broken record technique": Just keep saying no again and again until she gets it. don't apologise, get defensive, justify your reasons, try to convince her or get angry. Just keep calm and keep repeating:
"Thanks for offering but I'm not interested"
"No, I'm not interested"
"Thank you but that's still no..."
and so on...

'I do only live once, and that's why I will only do things I want to do. And this holiday is not it, glad you agree with me'.

'Thank you but no'. Repeat ad nauseam. Don't give a reason.

She knows you’re a pushover. So she’s pushing to get what she wants. You’ll have to dig deep and be firm.

Just say no

Practice in front of a mirror, do role play it is not hard

Same! I would end up adding more excuses onto the reasons I’d already given then discovered ‘I just don’t want to’ is the only thing that works. She couldn’t change that as it was my feelings rather than a ‘problem’ to be fixed. She was a bit ‘oh’ and pissed off at first but she soon got over it and stopped pestering. She’s got a husband to rope into everything now so the friendship is now a lot more laid back, thank God!

But also-maybe think about why you're saying no? Absolutely fine to say no, of course. But some people do default to no- make sure you're not doing that!

If she asks by message send about 5 gif responses saying No

You could say ‘I feel like I’m not being listened to’ this is very disarming because it’s not aggressive. Also, you are not accusing her of not listening, you are saying how you feel, so she can’t contradict you.

Give that a go, and good luck.

Just keep repeating no. I’d just say something along the lines of “it’s not my cup of tea, I’ve done the group trip thing before and don’t enjoy it regardless of who I’m with so you won’t change my mind. Enjoy though!”

"if you're asking me, I'm not interested, I'm planning on taking a short break at home this year"

You've already told her no, re-iterate this once more by textin her 'I've already told you, I'm not interested, don't book me for anything as I won't pay you.'

Then ignore.

As others have said, just keep saying no until the cutoff date passes and it's too late anyway. Use this as good experience to be firmer with your boundaries!

LOL this reminds me of a woman I know in my village, (who I hadn't seen for several months) who yelled 'SEE YOU TOMORROW!' across the road at me a few weeks ago on a Saturday afternoon. I said 'what, why, where, what's happening?' She said 'at the Family Service in Church.' Then she turned her back.

I was like and then Her just assuming I was attending Church, not asking, but assuming, really grated on me! I said 'I will try and make it,' as she was getting in her car... I was considering going, but after that, I decided not to. I thought 'how dare you assume I'm going you cheeky cow!'

Anyway @CrDrFr Just tell this woman you're ironing the cat or something.

.

I have found the broken record technique to be effective: No thanks, I like running alone. No thanks, I don't fancy the group holiday.
You've thanked her for asking and said no. Just keep saying no, with a smile if you like :)