About people who don’t accept no

[Iusedtoeatpizza]

I know I’m going to get a bit of a flaming here and it’s possible that if you haven’t met people like this it’s hard to understand.

Have just come away from seeing distant relatives briefly and it was a constant push for us to accept drinks, food, sweets for my three year old. They just would NOT accept no thank you.

The only thing I could have done would have been to be downright rude but then that puts a strain on the atmosphere and is uncomfortable for other people so hardly seems fair.

So AIBU to ask - how the hell do you deal with it!?

What was the issue with the food and the drinks?

How do you mean, sorry?

Were they not just being hospitable? If you don’t see them often I wouldn’t give it headspace to be honest. Smile, say thanks and eat the food.

Just keep saying "No thank you". Don't be tempted to justify your refusal, because people who don't accept "No" for an answer mistake an explanation for a basis for negotiation.

I have no problem being rude to people who don't respect my boundaries.

Sounds like Mrs Doyle from Father Ted! I think I'm a bit like that and offer food and drink. I'm a feeder and I have to fight hard not to offer more. Maybe say yes once, then explain you're full at future offers.

So - firstly no, I think when you’ve said no thank you that should be accepted. No one was hungry: we’d just eaten a big Sunday roast. It’s fine to offer but I don’t like it when no isn’t accepted. But even if we had it doesn’t solve it as they just keep on pushing food and drink at you.

The problem with just saying no thank you is they just ignore you and keep putting food in front of you, you must try this (my most hated) it’ll have to be eaten etc.

And of course my three year old isn’t going to say no to sweets so that was difficult to manage.

My bloody ex-MIL would keep offering tea until you said yes even when you said you didn’t want it. When I would then say yes just to shut her up she would then complain that I treated her like a servant and she hated running around making tea for people and we should be making our own if we wanted it….
I never found out a way to win (or shut her up)

You’re not being rude if you tell them I’ve already said no, please stop asking otherwise we will have to leave.

“The three year old isn’t allowed sweets but if you’ve got any (cucumber?carrot?bread?) that would be lovely. We have just eaten but a cup of tea would be grand”
or if you really can’t manage hot water with a splash of milk, then you could suggest something else.
”no I’m not even slightly thirsty but I would really love to see your knitting/garden/stamp collection”

I have a DNan like this. It's hard because she directly connects feeding and watering us with caring. Every time she comes over, she brings a bag of food and expects some to be eaten. Every time we go round, more and more gets brought out.

I found the best way is to accept one thing. Say no at first, and if that doesn't work, "ok, but just a tiny slice, just one biscuit might be nice, thank you" which does a lot to prevent her feeling we've accepted nothing. She needs to feel she's done her part, frustrating but there are bigger hills to die on.

My late MIL was like this. I loved and miss her dearly, but she was definitely a feeder!

"Would you like a biscuit with your tea, Callisto?"

"No thank you, I'm fine"

"Don't be silly, I'll get you a piece of cake"

It got to the point I'd say yes to a biscuit, because each offering would be bigger than the last!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uhhekdyJYZI

You just have to be rude. If if puts a strain on the relationship, that's on them not you.

The answer to people being rude isn’t to be rude in return. Much better to ask them to do something that fits both of you.

But like what?

So today as we were leaving, my relative offered my DS a sweet. I’ve no problem with him having one but she was pushing the whole bag at him. I said no - really, that’s far too much. She still kept pushing them on me, literally putting them in my hands and telling me to save them for later then. Which was a pain as a) I didn’t want DS to keep pestering for them on the journey back and b) I didn’t want the fucking sweets!

How regularly do you see these distant relatives?

Would it have killed you just to take one bag, if it's like twice a year?

Grey rock technique, 'no thanks!' Big smile - repeat exact same phrase.
I also find it super rude when people keep pushing stuff onto you, it really bothers me! I don't mind a 'are you sure?' After the first offer but anything after that annoys me. I have enough STUFF.

No, it wouldn’t have killed me. It wouldn’t kill me to do a lot of stuff I don’t want to do, but I don’t do it because I don’t want to do it.

If my child had eaten a bag of sweets he wouldn’t have eaten his dinner and then sleep would be disturbed and he’d be up at the crack of dawn. So no it wouldn’t have killed me. But it would have negatively impeded on my life.

SIL is the same.

Take the bag 'for later', tell your child they can have another sweet after their dinner them throw them away or ration them out until the child forgets about them.

Error

I tend to take the bag of whatever and then drop it off at the local free fridge.

Sometimes you just have to offend people. What if you said sorry, no sweets or junk thanks it'll make us sick. Would it have stopped them? Worth a try?

Honestly, Giving food and drink to visitors is a traditional way to be welcoming hosts. To show your guests you are happy to see them. So having a brew and cake or a sandwich etc is normal? Filling kids up with cake and sweets, standard. They are showing they care you came. Eat a little have a drink. Pocket the sweets for later and tell your child the fairies ate them