About people who don’t accept no

[Iusedtoeatpizza]

I know I’m going to get a bit of a flaming here and it’s possible that if you haven’t met people like this it’s hard to understand.

Have just come away from seeing distant relatives briefly and it was a constant push for us to accept drinks, food, sweets for my three year old. They just would NOT accept no thank you.

The only thing I could have done would have been to be downright rude but then that puts a strain on the atmosphere and is uncomfortable for other people so hardly seems fair.

So AIBU to ask - how the hell do you deal with it!?

This. They are only being hospitable. It's not every day, so just accept and move on.

Pushing things on people when they repeatedly decline is really bad hosting though.

My MiL was like this, and so's my DH. The family joke is that it's because of Jewish genes. Not being racist here but Jews have an excellent reputation for food being a thing you give visitors.

People who get offended by 'no thanks' are the worst. Tbh I get some pleasure from their offence though 🤣. One woman at work looks at me like I slapped her child when I decline yet another home baked offering that I don't want. It amuses me!

Just take them for later, put them in the back of the press and your 3yo will forget about them.

It's hospitality and generosity, no need to be mean spirited about it.

My mil once forced a meal on me to eat before we went out... for a meal. I'd said no repeatedly, told her we were going out for a friend's birthday dinner, but she went ahead and cooked it anyway. I was absolutely furious and felt unsafe. When you have PTSD and you repeatedly say no to someone, which is ignored is actually really fucking triggering.

I was being hosted and felt obliged to eat and be a good guest.

Ruined our meal out.

I totally agree. It is awful when you say no, but they force stuff on you anyway. I'd never do that!

As Mumsnet says: NO is a complete sentence.

Your kids are more important than toxic relatives.

Time to decide who is more important in your life..... Your kids of course!

Don't ever move to the North of Ireland OP - you won't enjoy it!!

With inappropriate snacks for the kids I say "no thank you, he reacts really badly to them, but thank you for offering. He's better with banana, honestly".

Anything more pushy, I'd say to match the energy. If they're happy to offend or upset you it removes the need for you to stay polite.

Keep saying no but be ball-breakingly polite, to the point where it's almost comical and they might hopefully learn you'll stick to your boundaries without them having anything to take offence at.

"Do you want a meal?"
"No thanks, that's lovely of you but I'm going out for food soon"
"Oh but you'll have something?"
"No thank you, I'm not going to eat at all before the meal out"
"Here, I've made you a meal"
"Oh you're so kind, you really shouldn't have, as I say, I'm not eating anything until I go out though"
"But I've made it now, it'll go to waste"
"Oh that's such a shame, I'm so sorry you thought I wanted something, I hope you can save it until later"
"No, I can't, it'll go to waste, why won't you eat it?"
"Another time I'd love to, it looks amazing, but as I said I'm going out for food. Why don't you go ahead and eat without me/pop it in the fridge? You're so kind."

etc etc, I've found with people like that the only answer is to fake so much kindness that they run out of steam trying to get you to give in or get angry and cause drama. Without either result they don't have anywhere to go.

Reminds me of a visit to an aunt of mine. Rosebud would you like a mince pie? No thankyou, I don't like mince pies. Why not?(voice starts getting piercing) I don't like mince pies. Rosebud, would you like a mince pie? No thankyou. But they're homemade (voice is now very piercing). No thankyou, I don't like mince pies. They're not poisonous you know (delivered at a scream). I left and came home

@Quietplaces I would be in tears of desperation and frustration long before the end of that conversation.

It's like toddlers, you have to have the painful endless conversations a few times before they learn, with adult family you're allowed to drink gin while you do it though.

@GettingStuffed Yes Jewish people are good hosts. Is you weren't being racist, you would refer to Jewish people having an excellent reputation, not Jews.

"No thank you, we have just eaten", and repeat ad nauseum.

Not sure why you would refuse a cup of tea though (unless you aren't a tea drinker).

Next time you visit - if there is a next time, just ask them not to offer any food before you go.

If they like feeding your children, just visit at meal times.

My mother does it.

Do you want a bacon sandwich.
No thanks mum, I just want a cup of tea.
It won't take me a minute to make it.
No thanks mum, I said I just wanted a cup of tea please.
If you don't want a bacon sandwich, do you want egg and bacon then.
No thanks mum, I just want a cup of tea.
You've got to have something, a couple of rounds of toast then.
No thank you mum, just the tea.
Do you want some biscuits then?
Mum, how many times have I just told you I just want a cup of tea and nothing to eat?
Are you insinuating my memory's going
No mum, but can you just accept I just want a cup of tea.
OK, do you want something with it.

She did it so much when I was a child I sometimes purposefully refused to eat what was put in front of me when I was starving as there was always so much interference.

It's bad hosting and fails to respect the wishes of the guest. It's all about what the other person wants and it is about control.

I just say oh great thanks I'll have something later if that's okay. Usually works. Or just ask for a glass of water if they really keep insisting.

But I'm with u I find it really rude and disrespect that they won't just accept your first response

So I have literally explained they ignore no thank you. I know - it should be easy. But you say no thank you and they put food in front of you. No thank you, and cups of unwanted tea are forced on you. (No, I’m not a tea drinker.) I do accept water but accepting something means more and more food and drink are pushed.

I do find it a bit stressful and no one can actually chat ‘normally’ as you’re just constantly fending off food and drink!

I fucking hate people being like this.

I remember about 20 years ago really trying to be very strict about being on a diet as I was really struggling with my weight and having people left right and centre say "just this one won't hurt". It was a time I was learning about healthy boundaries too.

Visiting a relative they were pushing cake on me while I was politely saying no thank you. My flipping mother gets involved and tells me to take the cake home to eat later if I wasn't going to have it there and then. I was more angry with my mum than I was with the original cake pusher! Mum was angry with me that I was being rude.

First time you say no thank you, you've just eaten.

Second time no you're honestly stuffed.

Third say it sounds amazing and could they pop some to one side for you.

Kids you say they cant have it tonight or that oops it must have fallen out of your bag when you went to the toilet. If it makes it home, lets just say you wouldnt believe the amount of things that went off....off into my belly after bedtime.

It does put me in mind of that advert a few years ago about tea actually! It was about sexual coercion and was making the point that someone saying yes to a cup of tea once doesn’t mean you force tea on them all the time. My relatives need to watch that!

After 10 years of this, I have recently started saying “thank you, no - final answer” (in the style of Who wants to be a Millionaire on TV). Delivered with a broad smile.

My mother is like this. She can actually get upset if you refuse. Bakes before you arrive even though you may have just eaten/don't want cake/scones/biscuits etc... Can be very draining but it's her way of self gratifying in guess and there are far worse faults in life.

Ooh this is a great tactic!
I'm now sort of wondering if you do this, could you get to a certain point, gently catch them by the arm and go:
'Mum, are you okay? You've already asked me that 5 times, are you feeling alright?'