Settle this tiff I had with DH (Valentine's Day)

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

Before Valentine's Day we had a one-sentence conversation to the effect that neither of us was expecting anything for the day. We celebrate plenty, but VD doesn't mean anything to us.

On the morning, DH presents me with a bunch of cut flowers. (Not a lovely bunch of flowers, fwiw - a "11pm at Sainsbo's" sort of bunch that looked like it'd been in a fight.) I say thank you. Later that day he asks me what I think of them, and I remind him about the time 2/3 years ago when I told him that I'm really not a fan of cut flowers. He said he remembered this. I jokingly list a few other things I do like if he is ever short of inspiration - it was something like instant coffee, Lego, garden plants, a nice card, slobbery dogs, terrariums, curry... so jokey but also quite honest. I'm generally easy to please.

Yet later he comes in and asks me to remind him about the things I'd listed earlier. At this point I actually feel hurt. I expect my husband of a decade plus to have a rough sense of things his wife likes/enjoys without a list given twice over. (To add, when it's for me to buy him something it's done very well - I generally keep a list of stuff he mentions during the year so that come birthday or xmas time I can "surprise" him with the thing he's inevitably forgotten he'd seen/wanted.)

No financial issues, not that that should matter here - but it's not a case of a supermarket bouquet of flowers being the only option.

It turned into a (minor) argument. AIBU? I think the "give me a list" thing took it from thoughtless to quite hurtful.

He loves you. He bought you something even though you don’t celebrate valentines. He’ll probably never remember the list of all the things you like, many men don’t. Be happy with your flowers and love him back

I don't think he did anything wrong, OP

I couldn’t get worked up about this-I’d send him a photo of my list and tell him to add it to his favourites!

Not sure what I think. But its not worth fighting over. Get the (stupid) book The 5 love languages and figure out how to accept his language and its dialect rather than getting angry.

My husband knows what I like and enjoy, but still prefers to have a list of some sort for special occasions so he can be sure to get me something I'll definitely love. It's not personal, he just doubts himself and prefers to be positive I'll like the present.

He's showing you that he loves you and cares about getting things you like by asking for a list. Some people just aren't great at coming up with gift ideas, no matter how well they know the person they're buying for. I think having an argument about this was OTT, and has probably left a bad taste in his mouth about trying to do something nice for you.

Think of this from his point of view:

"I bought my DW some flowers for valentines, she told me she didn't like them. I was a bit sad that she didn't like them. She then starts listing things she does like which were really odd things in relation to valentines day. Think coffee, curry, slobbery dogs. I ask her later on to remind me of the things she listed and it turns into an argument. I think her "giving me a list" thing took it from hurtful to quite thoughtless. I was just trying to do a nice thing for her."

Definitely didn’t need to lead to an argument, regardless how minor it was

I remember being at a wedding where the father of the bride told the couple that a successful marriage is where each party come to terms with the fact that each person will forget 90% of what the other says and as long as you accept that life will be easier

Slightly tongue in cheek but a fairly good life lesson

He bought you something and you told him you don't like them. You mentioned some other things, but perhaps he wanted to make sure, so doubled checked with you. This way, you get what you do want.

If my husband joked I could buy him instant coffee or a curry, I'd check too.

Sounds like he bought the flowers on impulse as a nice thing to do. You'd already agreed you didn't want anything for Valentine's Day so it's a bit unreasonable to expect a deeply thoughtful, individual gift.

Men always need lists for things, then invariably forget whatever is on them.

Even written lists. My DH can go to the shops with a list and still come home minus the milk.

I’d have just laughed and said don’t worry about it, I don’t want anything for VD… but let’s get a takeaway curry!

It was a nice gesture.

If my DH bought be flowers (not once in 15 years) I'd ask him what he had bought, what he had broken or what he had done!

I think it's actually quite sweet he wants to write down what you like so he doesn't get it wrong next time. You've clearly upset him!

Yabu. I send pictures, prices, and location of what I want from dh. The fact that he gets the things I request is enough for me. Men don't remember anything you say unless you're screaming or pull a boob out

I think you're being ridiculous.

I think you’re being ridiculous given you agreed not to too anything, and now you’re handing out a list of gifts you want.

So he got you something for a celebration you had agreed not to mark.

It was crap cut flowers. You don't even like cut flowers.

He has to ask for a list of what you like despite being together for years .

Right.

You won't get any sympathy of Mumsnet OP. You'll be expected to grateful for a shitty gift you don't like.

He, on the other hand will be lauded as a prince amongst men for that shitty gift.

The fact he cant be fucked with the mental effort of thinking of gifts that might be enjoyed by the woman he is supposed to love and cherish will be glossed over by many.

The bar is set so low for men that no human could limbo under it. And yet so many men manage to.

Makes you wonder how those men hold down successful careers if the can't remember anything.

They can remember stuff perfectly well when they want to. Your husband doesn't value you enough to bother.

I'm interested in these replies / how wrong I'm seen to be. Interesting!

I think you’re being ridiculous given you agreed not to too anything, and now you’re handing out a list of gifts you want.

Not exactly. It was like, "Here are various things that you know I like, where you could literally buy any damn thing in that category and I'd be over the moon." Said quite gently/jokingly. None of them new to him. Rather than, "Surprise! I like x, y and z."

I agree with you OP, after 1O plus years together he should know what you like and what you don’t like.
I think he is showing you how much he really cares ie not enough to remember what you like.

this is like the lady on another thread who hates white toast, and was upset when her OH made her some as a snack. These little things really do show how much care is taken of doing things for the person you are supposed to care most about in the whole world.

He didn't do anything wrong and you have a high opinion of yourself.

Seriously?

Your DH makes a nice gesture.

He gets it wrong.

He then asks for a list to he doesn't get it wrong again.

He gets that wrong too.

The man can't win, can he? I'm pretty sure he has minor annoyances about think you do too. No one is perfect but this is tiny. Don't turn it into something it isn't.

I agree that the list should not be necessary if the op is just giving general ideas, eh Lego, not a specific set. My partner of 8 years (and we don't live together) knows exactly what sort of things to get me; books, jigsaws, Lego, tea etc and what sort of themes or genre just because he observes, he takes note. He even carries around little sachets of salt in his wallet as he knows I like my food salty and sometimes in cafes there isnt any. If, after a decade, my partner didn't know my general likes and dislikes I'd be pretty hurt too. As I said, a really specific item, fine to list or remind or tell, but not general categories.

Yabu. He bought you some flowers as a gesture and instead of being appreciative you told him you didn’t like them.

You gave him a list which he forgot - so what? Then argued with him for forgetting it

meh I couldn’t get worked up about this at all

Nothing sensible ever follows “men always…”. Strategic incompetence like forgetting the milk is a your husband problem but an all men problem.

I don't think he did anything wrong by asking for the list again. He'd obviously gone away and thought about it and realised that list was accurate and not just a joke and realised it would be useful to remember for future events.

Whether he knows you, takes an interest in your interests and is considerate should be obvious all year round and not just at present giving times. Only you know this. If he's an inconsiderate shit all year round, leave. If he's really a perfectly nice partner in every other way I would let it go.