Settle this tiff I had with DH (Valentine's Day)

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

Before Valentine's Day we had a one-sentence conversation to the effect that neither of us was expecting anything for the day. We celebrate plenty, but VD doesn't mean anything to us.

On the morning, DH presents me with a bunch of cut flowers. (Not a lovely bunch of flowers, fwiw - a "11pm at Sainsbo's" sort of bunch that looked like it'd been in a fight.) I say thank you. Later that day he asks me what I think of them, and I remind him about the time 2/3 years ago when I told him that I'm really not a fan of cut flowers. He said he remembered this. I jokingly list a few other things I do like if he is ever short of inspiration - it was something like instant coffee, Lego, garden plants, a nice card, slobbery dogs, terrariums, curry... so jokey but also quite honest. I'm generally easy to please.

Yet later he comes in and asks me to remind him about the things I'd listed earlier. At this point I actually feel hurt. I expect my husband of a decade plus to have a rough sense of things his wife likes/enjoys without a list given twice over. (To add, when it's for me to buy him something it's done very well - I generally keep a list of stuff he mentions during the year so that come birthday or xmas time I can "surprise" him with the thing he's inevitably forgotten he'd seen/wanted.)

No financial issues, not that that should matter here - but it's not a case of a supermarket bouquet of flowers being the only option.

It turned into a (minor) argument. AIBU? I think the "give me a list" thing took it from thoughtless to quite hurtful.

It’s the thought that counts……

except there is no thought. He knows she doesn’t like cut flowers. Yet can’t care enough to remember that or remember what treat she would like.

it’s nothing to do with money- it’s the careless nature of it all.

I get it OP!

It took my husband years to remember I do not like fake brightly coloured chrysanthemums. In fact I’m not keen on chrysanthemums full stop.

Eventually the children remembered…… thank goodness for them.

I once got a perfume from someone despite me saying what I wore ( the names of a few ) and how I struggle with other perfumes . Yep you guessed it. Totally overpowering and they hadn’t smelt it themselves. It’s just thoughtless really.

I couldn't get upset over this. Me and DH are not that romantic (been together nearly 30 years), if I'd like something for an occasion I tell him, and give him the link if possible so no chance of mistakes! He will do the same. People's taste and interests change over time so I think communicating nearer the date is good rather than letting him choose.

Thank you cornish for articulating it. Yes, that's how I see it (apparently contra nearly everyone else on here - oh well). "It's the thought that counts" is exactly what upset me -he knows me well enough to choose something I do vaguely like rather than something I said I actively dislike.

Anyway, all back to normal chez Falls.

"Here's a present for you"
"I don't like it, here's a list of things I like so you don't get it wrong again!"
"Let me write that down so I don't forget"
"You thoughtless bastard!"

Can you see how ridiculous you're being?

I get it OP. Ex used to bring donuts with him every time he stayed over. Every time I said we don't like donuts. Every time. They'd end up in the bin every time he left. His ex liked donuts. His ex liked donuts, roses and the colour pink. So everything I got was always pink, donut based or roses (like you I had made a point of saying I really don't like them and would rather have a potted plant than dead or dying stems - multiple times). He never bothered to pay any attention and is presumably buying the same for the next girl. It is rude. No I don't think the "effort" was a nice thing, rather it's shown him up for being thoughtless and not listening to his wife of 10 years.

It’s not "I don't like it, here's a list of things I like so you don't get it wrong again!" @KrisAkabusi . It’s - “Hey. You know me really well, you know what I like and what I don’t. What gives with the shit flowers when so many other easy, lovely things would gladden my heart?”

That's just as rude tbh.

If a present is from SIL or Friend - you must accept graciously

If present is from DH/DP - they ate inconsiderate if its not the one thing you mentioned 5 years ago was your favourite

That's what I've learnt from MN

He picked you up some flowers as a sweet gesture.

You told him he got it wrong and gave him some ideas

He asked for the list again to make a note because he'd forgotten something before so would make more of an effort

You got angry at him for caring

See whose BU here?

Forgetting if your DP likes flowers or not isn't uncaring. We all forget things.

I can tell my Mum 5 times over what I'm working and she can still forget. It doesn't mean she doesn't care.

Always being told to "just ask/tell them" on MN

He's followed this advice by asking again to make a list

And ungrateful and rude.

On the contrary, it has been shown more often that women are just glad to get anything, any sniff of something even if they have been clear they do not like something. It's just so remarkable a man has thought to buy a gift it doesn't matter that it's something you've specifically said you don't like. As for telling your mum, if you told her you liked bees she'd be all over that every present like a rash and you know it. It's not hard. If you told her you really don't like strawberries she wouldn't make you eat them. Yet some women think men doing this is fine and lovely and aren't they just being thoughtful? Yes, most of the thread! And there's another thread running asking why men think women are stupid...

Wow talking about making assumptions to fit your narrative of man hating

I have had gifts off female relatives/friends which have been things I've said I have no interest in. For example I rarely wear perfume but get perfume every year off an aunt.

I can't always remember whether another relative LIKES getting a certain flower or HATES it, just that they have strong feelings about it.

And there are plenty of MN threads where people complain about gifts off female relatives (usually in laws) and are told to suck it up and be thankful for anything because all gifts should be taken gratefully

If I got a gift like flowers I'd just politely say thank you as you can't return or exchange them.

Then near your birthday I'd remind him you're not a fan of flowers but you do like x y z.

You were a bit rude but hopefully he hasn't taken offence

"You know, like instant coffee."

"Hang on, you can't really mean instant coffee because if you like instant coffee and you have no money worries then you just have instant coffee in the house all the time so it's not really a gift, is it, unlike flowers..."

"Well, OK, curry"

"Curry? As a gift? I should buy you "curry"?. I mean we could go out for curry for Valentine's but you said we weren't really doing it so I was just buying you a little token, really."

"A slobbery dog."

"I should maybe write these down because these don't really even make sense "

"You bastard."

You don't care for Valentine stuff
He buys you flowers
You're not impressed
You give him a list

So you do want stuff, just not what he's bought.

I bet he's pretty hurt too.

Let it go - he meant well. Just give him some birthday clues beforehand.

I think you sound a bit ungrateful. You should have just accepted the flowers and said thanks, after all you were not even expecting to exchange gifts, so why are you even bothered? We didn't exchange gifts for Valentines day either, but if he had got me surprise flowers I would have accepted them graciously and I don't particularly care for flowers either.

My dh of 12 years still chooses to cook a certain type of food as part of a meal that he knows I don't like but as he cooked dinner I didn't moan about it. He still can't remember which flowers I don't like. I find it hurtful and I think is where you're coming from as if he doesn't know me or care about me.
Even though we don't celebrate VD I'd have secretly loved it if he had bought me flowers at all. Thats totally my fault though as I said years ago that it was a waste of money so again I can't complain.
I he's caring in other ways I'd let it go.

Gosh, the bar is low.

what I have learned from this thread is that, even from people we actually live with, who should know us and our likes and dislikes, any old thing they buy from a supermarket is a brilliant gift.

this is really really awful to me, and very sad. ,

I am still totally agreeing with you OP, a gift of flowers WHEN YOU DONT LIKE THEM is a shit gift. In fact worse than a shit gift as it says I don’t listen to you, or care enough to remember what you like.

So many women on this thread seem to think they and you and me should be happy with a shit gift

what I have learned from this thread is that, even from people we actually live with, who should know us and our likes and dislikes, any old thing they buy from a supermarket is a brilliant gift.

Except that's not what anyone has said.

I’d be more annoyed my DH went against our no acknowledgment agreement. My DH knows what I like and could buy me presents without a list. However, he prefers the list with specific suggestions as it means he’s guaranteed to get me something I need/want.

If your DH is generally thoughtful and considerate of you, I’d let this go.

Yet some women think men doing this is fine and lovely and aren't they just being thoughtful? Actually, I apply the same reasoning to men and women. I struggle to apply it to the women in my immediate family because there aren't any, except the cats, and even there I accept the dead mouse in the spirit it was given, even if it wasn't at the top of my wish list.

I just want to say that I’m a woman and I am terrible at buying presents - not least because I’ve lost all confidence in choosing things for people as my family is full of formidable characters for whom no gift is ever good enough and every attempt to make them happy ends up wounding them mortally and leaving them feel desperately misunderstood because if we really cared we would know through careful loving observation that they don’t like earrings with these kinds of backs / they love ultramarine but can’t abide cobalt blue / they don’t wear big patterns / they like rum truffles but champagne truffles are insupportable etc etc.

In the end I gave given up bothering with presents and they can just think I’m a thoughtless arse, as they’ll think that anyway no matter what I do.

No, it's not that the bar is low. The OP has just created a drama out of nothing in this scenario. In her own words they don't celebrate Valentine's Day, she wasn't expecting a gift from him, she has received a gift she doesn't like and instead of just accepting said gift , an argument has happened.

I would agree with the OP and understand if she had been expecting a thoughtful gift for Valentine's day or if it was her birthday or special occasion and she received flowers she doesn't like. That would be different. However they had planned to get each other nothing, so IMO it is just unnecessary drama.

i must just be super fussy then, as even for a random gift, I’d like my partner of many years to get me something that I actually like, rather than something I have repeatedly said I don’t like.
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