Settle this tiff I had with DH (Valentine's Day)

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

Before Valentine's Day we had a one-sentence conversation to the effect that neither of us was expecting anything for the day. We celebrate plenty, but VD doesn't mean anything to us.

On the morning, DH presents me with a bunch of cut flowers. (Not a lovely bunch of flowers, fwiw - a "11pm at Sainsbo's" sort of bunch that looked like it'd been in a fight.) I say thank you. Later that day he asks me what I think of them, and I remind him about the time 2/3 years ago when I told him that I'm really not a fan of cut flowers. He said he remembered this. I jokingly list a few other things I do like if he is ever short of inspiration - it was something like instant coffee, Lego, garden plants, a nice card, slobbery dogs, terrariums, curry... so jokey but also quite honest. I'm generally easy to please.

Yet later he comes in and asks me to remind him about the things I'd listed earlier. At this point I actually feel hurt. I expect my husband of a decade plus to have a rough sense of things his wife likes/enjoys without a list given twice over. (To add, when it's for me to buy him something it's done very well - I generally keep a list of stuff he mentions during the year so that come birthday or xmas time I can "surprise" him with the thing he's inevitably forgotten he'd seen/wanted.)

No financial issues, not that that should matter here - but it's not a case of a supermarket bouquet of flowers being the only option.

It turned into a (minor) argument. AIBU? I think the "give me a list" thing took it from thoughtless to quite hurtful.

Seems like he is in the wrong whatever he does. He is the only one that has any right to be hurt in this, you sound difficult.

I didn't say he forgets milk you gobber. We're talking about gifts

Good to know

Why did you remind him abiut nit liking cut flowers, surely if someone buys you flowers you say " they are lovely !"

90% of the arguments on here are because people can't just be pleasant.
He's tried to do a nice thing. Give him a kiss, say thank you. End of.

Yes, that's what I said. All men seem to do this.

YABU for liking slobbery dogs. Even dog lovers generally aren't keen on those.

Name-change fail?

He was trying to be nice by buying you some flowers - I don't think it was really appropriate to reel off a list of more "acceptable" gifts.

You may have preferred something else, but I think it's a bit unkind to say it. It's not like flowers are permanent or something you have to eat/wear forever. Just say thank you and bin them when they die.

You said you didn't want anything for Valentine's Day and he got you some flowers, and now you've turned it into an argument. Give your head a wobble OP.

Surely it’s the thought that counts?
Every evening I ask my DH what times he will be working the following day, and every morning I ask him again because I’ve forgotten.I’d have no chance of remembering a list!

So you keep a list but you're hurt that he wants to keep a list? Obviously he didn't write it down when you said it, so he asked again so that he COULD keep a list....like how you do.

The flowers were a gesture. Why shit all over a gesture? You make it sour and make him less likely to make any gesture of love in future.

It's really all about you and I dont even see what the problem is. So what if he asked you to remind him of things you mentioned? Like what of it? I don't think there would be any pleasing you in this situation.

He's trying. You said you didn't do VD. Then he got you some flowers. You're testing him and it's not fair.

I hate cut flowers. Would prefer nothing all day long. Or at a push would like a plant or some crisps.

I would also be irked that DH got me such a formulaic gift that I won’t like. It’s not nice.

I would hope we would be able to have a laugh about though.

Look, OP. I don't think your husband is at fault here, he tried and made effort. My (very decent) husband wouldn't buy any flowers for any occasion, no financial issues either. But - just never! I know some people would get hurt by this, but I'm sure it's weighed up by the good stuff with your husband as it's with mine. ☕

What gift can you get that relates to slobbery dogs? A mop?

Dear lord, that is some leap - I’m sure that some women just respond to posts in order to trigger a split between perfectly good couples.

Very often the MN posts about disappointing gifts received are from people who say they always put a good deal of thought, effort and money into the gifts they buy. Almost as if they expect to be rewarded for the quality of their gifts. OP herself says when it's for me to buy him something it's done very well.

I've learned that no matter how much effort and thought I put into a gift, I'm not actually very good at getting it right, and so I'm delighted someone thinks enough to get a me a gift, whatever it is. And I content myself with buying something on their "wish list".

Your DH makes a nice gesture.

But is it really a nice gesture when the person really does not like cut flowers.

You’d think your partner would remember that. I don’t think it is a huge deal, but I can see op’s point.

But is it really a nice gesture when the person really does not like cut flowers.

I think not everything has to have some kind of hidden message. He saw the flowers, thought of her and bought them - to me, that's sweet.

I know I've bought DH things in the past that were completely off the mark, and if he then gave me a list of better things instead, I'd be pretty hurt tbh.

I always wonder when people say they give very thoughtful gifts, of 'lovely' things, how many of them end up in the charity shop or regifted. I would guess at quite a high percentage.

Ha, exactly. What's thoughtful to one person is complete tat to someone else.

I generally think it's better to think the best of your partner - most people don't set out to be deliberately hurtful, after all, and flowers are pretty much never meant as an insult.

It wasn't a birthday, anniversary or Christmas. It was Valentines Day, the day when husbands buy flowers for their wives. You had already said you weren't expecting anything so, DH turning up with flowers is a romantic gesture.

Yeah, this seems like an argument that absolutely didn't need to happen.

I'd feel really deflated if I surprised my DH with a small token gift on a day neither of us particularly celebrated and he responded by telling me I should have remembered a conversation ages ago when he told me he didn't like the thing I got him - and then told me all the things he did like, and then got cross with me for wanting to double check to make sure I didn't fuck up and disappoint him again next time.