Tell the wife?

[kaymc3]

About a year and a half ago I caught a male friend of mine cheating. I called him out on it and got the usual excuses of 'my wife and I don't have sex' 'my wife doesn't love me' etc etc. Had a long chat with him and he said he would end the affair. I didn't tell his wife at the time as I didn't really want to get involved and he assured me it would stop. I don't really know his wife, it's him I'm friends with.
Anyway I have just discovered he is still at it but with other women!! At least 2. And now I feel awful for his wife and wish I had told her when I found out about the first time.
Now I think she should know but how to go about it? I thought about writing a letter so it remains anonymous?
What do you think? Or should I just leave it while knowing he is being a piece of sh** and she has no idea while raising their 2DC.
I feel angry and disgusted by him.

Anonymous letters are for cowards and writers of them deserve zero respect.

I think you should stay out of it, you are not friends with his wife and their marriage is their business but I wouldn't carry on being friends with him either, he's a louse.

Who needs enemies with friends like you

Mind your own business

Tell her. But not anonymously, that would be cruel.

I would hate it my H was cheating and people knew and didn't tell me

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yeah that's what I was struggling with. For all I know maybe she does know and is ok with it? Although from what he said I don't think so.
Maybe I will just distant myself from him. We were supposed to have a couples meet up next month but think I will make an excuse not to go; think I would feel guilty seeing them together knowing what I do

@CassandraWebb this is what I thought but the rest of the replies suggest I should just leave it.

Stay out of it

I would hate it my H was cheating and people knew and didn't tell me

Everyone says this but often

sorry

often people know/suspect but don’t want to confront it or turn & blind eye & then many forgive anyway & the “messenger” is the reminder of a bad period that they would rather forget.

Well said 👏👏👏

What the fuck is going on with these replies?!

Tell her. I wouldn’t even do it anonymously. He’s a shit bag and I wouldn’t want to be friends with him any longer.

Loyalty vs morality.

You're a sh!t friend for even considering it, but a good person.

I'm erring on no... because honestly, how can anyone take the moral high ground when you'd expect your friends to keep quiet. You tell your friend something private about your husband, should your frisnd tell him? You forget to pay for something in the supermarket, tell your friend, should they run to Tesco to dob you in?

If I knew my friend wouldn't keep my secrets, I wouldn't have them as a friend.

Id prefer to know, I never udnerstadn the 'stay out of it', it's so hypocritical, I presume lots of cheaters here who would also prefer their friends to pipe down so they can continue to sleep around.

If she knows then she will not mind, if she doesnt, she can have a choice to kick out the bastard.

I think you absolutely should tell
her and bin the friendship with him.
I was mates with a serial cheater and when she came to visit us for a dirty weekend with her married man (we found out later he was married) I broke off the friendship.

There’s a massive difference between keeping schtum when your mate forgets to pay for his avocado in Tesco, and when he’s shagging multiple women behind his wife’s back.
The fact you wouldn’t want me as a friend would be totally fine with me. I don’t care to hang around with morally bankrupt arseholes.

@C1N1C while I kind of get what you're saying I just want to make the point that he did not confide in me, it wasn't a secret he told me. I literally caught him the first time with the woman and he then confessed it had been going on for months.
This time the only reason I found out was because he was showing me and someone else pictures on his phone and messages popped up. Other friend didn't seem to notice but I did and when I asked him after he admitted it

@rosesareorange this is what I think I will do too. While yes it is none of my business in a way I'd be very upset if I found out my DH was doing this and people knew

His behaviour is terrible but like I don't see what it's got to do with you to tell his wife. Maybe it is true and they do literally never have sex and have a whole heap of relationship problems that neither of them are addressing. Maybe she knows deep down but would prefer to not rock the boat. Maybe she's oblivious who knows It's shit of him but it's quite frankly none of your business and you will explode her life.
I would be upset if my close friends knew my OH was cheating and didn't tell me but I wouldn't want or take kindly to a random stranger telling me because all they would be doing is absolving themselves of the guilt of knowing and wouldn't be there picking up the peices of my broken life for me.

If you feel disgusted by him then end the friendship but stay out of his relationship

Whether you tell her or not is up to you but DON'T do it anonymously. She'll be questioning every single person in her life. It will drive her insane.

If you are going to tell her then you need to woman up and own it.

Anonymous letters are shit and what would you do when he told you about it? Just look at him wide-eyed and innocent?

He is putting her in danger of STIs, which can kill. Tell her, but not anonymously.

Who needs friends like him, more like. Sounds like he has the morals of an alley cat.

That said, the OP really doesn't know the whole story so saying nothing to her and bailing out of that friendship is the best way to go. IMO.

In my judgment and everyone is different - you have already let a year pass so the vicitm may not appreciate it

Another point, I'd seen a few women in my office who always ranted about, cutting off their OH's ?? or kick them out straight away when they were talking about another friend cheating OH. However, come the time when they found out, most had a breakdown or as good as and time off work - a couple said they wished they never found out.

I fear that some may even say you are lying and my loving OH would never do that

It's difficult. Importantly, you did not do the right thing and grass him up there and then

Men and women who have been made fools of like this often feel seriously deceived. Its th nasty deceit that gets the victim down

Only you can decide what to do next but I feel for the wife - she may find out via STI - who knows. Its your call

As much as I'd want to know an anonymous letter would be distressing to read. I'd always be wondering who sent it and what their motives were. I'd be paranoid that everyone knew were laughing at me.

I think it's in your best interest to drop the friend and stay out of it.