Tell the wife?

[kaymc3]

About a year and a half ago I caught a male friend of mine cheating. I called him out on it and got the usual excuses of 'my wife and I don't have sex' 'my wife doesn't love me' etc etc. Had a long chat with him and he said he would end the affair. I didn't tell his wife at the time as I didn't really want to get involved and he assured me it would stop. I don't really know his wife, it's him I'm friends with.
Anyway I have just discovered he is still at it but with other women!! At least 2. And now I feel awful for his wife and wish I had told her when I found out about the first time.
Now I think she should know but how to go about it? I thought about writing a letter so it remains anonymous?
What do you think? Or should I just leave it while knowing he is being a piece of sh** and she has no idea while raising their 2DC.
I feel angry and disgusted by him.

Stay out of it; nothing to do with you. You also have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors

I'm astonished by these threads by how many people say to butt out.

I would want to know and hope that someone would tell me in this situation and I would be thankful for it. I think the right thing to do is to tell her, but I know that is difficult.

He's not a friend I would want to have, so in my opinion the friendship is done. I'd like to think I would tell him to tell her and if he doesn't then I would. I'd like to think I'd follow through with the threat but without being in that position I can't say for sure what I'd actually do.

I can only assume these people must either be cheats themselves or prepared to tolerate cheats for the lifestyle they provide them with. Because I find it morally abhorrent that so many people would sit quiet if they knew something like this.

I would want to know and hope that someone would tell me in this situation and I would be thankful for it.

You say that, but I’ve seen people told (not by me!) that their DP is cheating, and tbh, the only person to get shot is the messenger.

For me, not unusually, the knowledge that dozens of people had aided & abetted his cheating was almost harder to stomach. I'd been wondering for ages, been through all the "am I paranoid or not?" self-doubt, hunted for clues and all that. It's a horrible thing to go through. I realised afterwards that one or two had tried to drop hints but, while I appreciated the concern, hints only added to the problem.

I'd have been upset, sure, if one or some of them had sat me down with a drink and told me. More than that, though, I'd have been incredibly grateful. We all know it's a hard thing to do and I would have recognised that.

Since you aren't that close with his wife, it doesn't matter in the long run whether she disbelieves or 'blames' you. You're going to lose his friendship anyway, so you may as well do the right thing.

I feel like you have nothing to lose. You don't want to be friends with this guy anymore, anyway. So him being angry at his wife finding out won't make a difference. You already don't really know the wife, so if she gets angry at you, again, it's not like you hang out anyway. If the cheating is something she knows about/accepts, the message won't concern her overly. And if she doesn't know about the affair, you are helping her out of a toxic relationship with a cheater. Don't make it anonymous. Make it very factual and preface it as this is something you would want to know if you were in this situation.

It’s none of your business. Withdraw from your friendship by all means, but don’t be that person. You’re not judge nor jury and have no business here.

We know that one of our best friends was unfaithful to his wife (in extremely seedy circumstances) about 20 years ago. The wife is one of my oldest friends but I’ve never told her. It may have destroyed their happy marriage and I simply wouldn’t do it to her.

I feel sorry for your 'friend' to have someone like you around- how is her marriage happy if she is living with a cheating piece of sh...? You're no friend, let's face it.

You could have given her a choice to find happiness with someone who owuld appreciate her.

But your reply gave me an idea what sort of people tell OP to back off. Cheats or hypocrites. With friends like you, who needs enemies.

Wtf. What is happy about a marriage that everyone else knows is based on a lie? You've all made a fool of her. What horrible people

So what. Sometimes the right thing to do is to do the right thing even if there is a risk someone will shoot the messenger

I would communicate only with him. Tell him exactly how you feel knowing he has broken his word to you , that you know about his other flings, that where there is no truth there can be no friendship. Warn him that is wife will find out eventually (I doubt if you're the only one who knows) Then cut any ties you have to him. The wife is the innocent party its not for a relative stranger to give her this news.

Like her dh is gonna tell her? I'd want go know, who ever told me

Please tell her. My husband is a cheat and I’m glad I found out. The wife might be waiting for a good opportunity to divorce him and this would do the job.

I meant she would find out either by her husband being careless with his lies or someone else in her own friendship group/family would find out and tell her. I'm pretty sure he would never 'fess up himself. Probably confident that he's too smart to get caught

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Personally I would tell your “friend “ that if he doesn’t tell his wife then you will. If he’s going without sex , not happy etc from his wife (which I doubt) then he should leave and allow his long suffering wife to move on with her life and find someone who is loyal and will love her and the children like they should be! He obviously has no respect for his wife or children so he needs to be told to come clean or you will.

End the friendship with him, he's a cheating bastard. You can't tell his wife, she won't believe you and will get defensive. End the friendship and tell her you can't be friends with him and let her figure it out.

Someone told me about my ex husband and I will be forever grateful to her. Cannot understand people saying not to tell!