Tell the wife?

[kaymc3]

About a year and a half ago I caught a male friend of mine cheating. I called him out on it and got the usual excuses of 'my wife and I don't have sex' 'my wife doesn't love me' etc etc. Had a long chat with him and he said he would end the affair. I didn't tell his wife at the time as I didn't really want to get involved and he assured me it would stop. I don't really know his wife, it's him I'm friends with.
Anyway I have just discovered he is still at it but with other women!! At least 2. And now I feel awful for his wife and wish I had told her when I found out about the first time.
Now I think she should know but how to go about it? I thought about writing a letter so it remains anonymous?
What do you think? Or should I just leave it while knowing he is being a piece of sh** and she has no idea while raising their 2DC.
I feel angry and disgusted by him.

I'd bow out of next meeting I couldn't play Happy couples chums . I wouldn't be giving a made up excuse either . If your friend's DW then asks you why I'd tell them then. If they have a suspision and want to know they'll ask . If not maybe they don't want to know .

Yes you should tell her. She will find out eventually and be humiliated and angry that other people knew.

It really doesn't matter how you tell her, anonymously or not. So long as she gets that information and can make a better life for herself.

You are not friends with his wife so it harms you not to lose her friendship should she be already be aware of the situation.
To lose his friendship would not be a loss either.

You have to live with yourself so I would tell her.
The fall out will be as it will be.

You are just the messenger, remember, and what is happening is happening already and perhaps she doesn't know and would want to know..

Stay out of it

You need to step away from this friendship. It isn't healthy for you. Its very typical of this type of man to have a female best friend, and you will have unknowingly been playing your role in propping up his ego just as his OW have, with the attention and 'long chats'. The very best thing you can do is withdraw your time, attention and headspace from this man, and embroiling yourself further in his drama with anonymous notes won't help.
As for the principle of his wife knowing, yes, she should know. But not from a stranger who has no idea of how it will land, her mental health, her support network and who will basically drop and run with no idea how she will cope in the aftermath. I knew a young man who tried to take his own life after an anonymous stranger decides to 'do the right thing' and disclose cheating, with no knowledge of his mental state at the time.

Yes, please tell her. I'd want to know if my 25 year relationship was built on lies. She can start over with the man she deserves.

I mean the risk of telling people in person is that you may get a rejection and lose the friendship.

You say you aren't friends with this woman. You are disgusted by him, so end of that friendship too. So no downside of telling her really 🤷.

He's been putting her sexual health at risk for years. She's been living in a sham of a marriage and he has had zero consequences for years of multiple affairs.

Genuinely don't understand the issue in this situation. Of course you tell her!

Keep your neb out.

I find it bizarre that you know so much about this male friend's life tbh @kaymc3 Do you fancy him yourself? You seem awfully invested in his life.

Stay out of it. They may have a don’t ask don’t tell type of arrangement.

I’d stay right out of it.

This.

It's not like you have a friendship with her to put at risk.

How about this scnario @5128gap - the wife could find now and leave and maybe find a better partner. Or unknowingly stay with the bastard, find out 10 years later having lost so many good years on him, and THEN commit suicide.
Dont project one situation of some guy who unfortunately killed himself to everyone, most don't.

@SweetBirdsong I found a friend was cheating by seeing the guy with his new fling in a cinema (I pikced an off-peak time to have more room, well, so did he thinking there is less chance of running into someone, ooops)- I was not invested in his life but knew of it, you really dont have to fancy someone to know certain details and if you can read and re-read OPs posts, yu will find out she too found out by accident.

Maybe an Anon email so she can afk more quesuons if she wants.

Also make it clear you don't know her just him (if the main concern about doing it anon is wondering who is laughing at you)

You could be someone he works with for example.

I Roth's prefer to know (with evidence) than not know and I'd not be paranoid about who sent it.

Tell her. The wife is often the last to know. It just adds to the trauma finding out that other people knew about it long before she did.

People say "I would want to know" but not everybody does in reality.

She may well have an idea, especially as he seems to be making a habit of it, and she may be choosing to turn a blind eye as she doesn't want to create upheaval for the children, and is busy creating a LTB fund in the meantime.

As you don't really know her, I would stay out of it, but I would not continue the friendship with him.

wtf are these comments?
obviously you tell her?… what is wrong with people…

A male friend of mine had an affair, I didn’t know. His wife was devastated, she actually told me. She is now a good friend and I have nothing more to do with him. I mean we were friendly before as couples but I had spent lot of time with male friend as we lift shared for years and he was my mate.

I would tell her face to face or by phone.

Astonished at all these people making excuses not to tell someone. This is how cheaters get away with it, because so many people turn a blind eye. Vile.

If you tell her you can't maintain a friendship with him- that would be hypocritical. My loyalty is always with my friends. If they did something which jarred with my own personal moral code and I acted against it, I would end the friendship.

Her sexual health is at risk. I'd tell her because my conscience wouldn't let me sit on it.

Tell her.

A friend of mine told me. I was very grateful.

@kaymc3 if the messages popped up while you were looking at his photos on his phone briefly then how on earth does his wife not see these messages popping up at other times? Unless he and the other woman have some sort of 'coast is clear' alert system maybe?!

Don't send an anonymous letter whatever you do, he'll just deny it and she'll be in a horrible sort of limbo not knowing what the truth is as you don't have any solid evidence to prove it. It would be better for her not to know than that.

There's no way I'd be going to this couples thing though, even if you decide not to tell her.

I don't know what is bizarre about her knowing any of this? Your reply is what's bizarre - guilty secret?