AIBU to think that you should ask if people are willing to be guardians to your child?

[AskDontAssume]

A friend has just been told that she’s to be the guardian for her friend’s 4 children. That is she’s expected to take them in. Not just oversee them. This is news to her and she isn’t willing to do that which she told the parent and this is causing a lot of upset.

I had a similar situation years ago with a friend who thought I should be the guardian for her 3.

AIBU to think that for everyone’s sake that you should ask and not assume. I appreciate how terrifying it must be but please ask before you make any formal arrangements.

Should definitely ask.

How does this work? Is it written into a legal document / will? I've not done this.

I don't have friends so I'd assume my sister would look after them?

Of course you should ask - it's a huge responsibility and commitment taking on the care of children. DH and I are both only children so asked trusted friends if they would be guardians to our two kids. It was written into our wills along with financial provision for the guardian's expenses.

Yes you should ask but it's not a legally binding contract anyway so a person doesn't have to assume guardianship if they don't want to.

Of course you should ask but what are the odds outside of a bad romcom of it actually happening?

They should definitely ask and not assume.

It sounds like they think it's such an honour, your friend would be flattered.

However, the reality would be very very different.

Asking is important, to ensure the arrangements are clear. Throwing a strop about being asked, which your "friend" clearly did with the silly "this is news to her" comment; or throwing a strop about being rejected, which the requestor clearly did with the "causing upset" comment, is ridiculous behaviour on both sides. Sounds like neither are fit to raise the children.

Throwing a strop about being asked, which your "friend" clearly did with the silly "this is news to her" comment; or throwing a strop about being rejected, which the requestor clearly did with the "causing upset" comment, is ridiculous behaviour on both sides. Sounds like neither are fit to raise the children.

That’s a reach that even a giraffe couldn’t make. My friend didn’t throw a strop, and I haven’t directly quoted her but she was understandably annoyed and taken aback that the parent had decided to make it formal(Whether or not it’s legally binding) without even asking her if she’d be willing. I doubt many people would be thrilled by being told that they’re expected to take in 4 children if their parent dies.

Of course you ask. We did when our kids were younger as our friend was known to them and we knew their life would continue similarly to the then current situation. Our family were abroad and they didn't know our cousins. We even told our friends (a couple BTW as it impacted them both) to discuss it and get back to us next week at the earliest so they could think about it properly and not feel that they had to give an on the spot decision.

They were fortunately not just willing but thrilled and said they felt honoured we would trust them with out kids. We then wrote a clause within our Will to reflect this although as other said there is still no onus on them upon our deaths to actually do it

Also asking is fine. A discussion is fine but she didn’t ask. She just announced that was what she’d put in writing.

no one can be forced to take on guardianship of children whatever it said in a will. even if someone previously agreed circumstances change plus the local authority would no doubt be involved in any placing of children and would require various checks to be completed before anything progressed.

Yes, of course parents should discuss with potential guardians and others involved. DB and I did this for our respective families. My SIL died when DN was in primary school. One of her early questions was “who will look after me if daddy died?”. My mum was able to tell her without hesitation that mummy and daddy had arranged for Auntie Daisy and Uncle Mike to look after her , and she would live with them, together with Fred and Maisie. she was very relieved to know.

It's a big ask, hence why it needs to be an ask.

Here are the options:

• Friend already has children and is at the maximum of how many she can practically look after
• Friend has no children as she never wanted any, so why would she want to take in someone else's?
• Friend has no children and she couldn't have children, so dangling over the prospect of 'maybe children' is quite cruel

I guess that's why it often falls to the grandparents, who by that point, are often too old to look after them and end up struggling.

There are no good solutions for when a minor's parents die. Open adoption, maybe, where they get a new family but get to keep in touch with their blood relatives?

I remember my parents discussing it with my aunt. And they had a reciprocal agreement.

Of course you ask! We’ve had the conversation with my sister, and ensured that, in the event of our deaths, she is in a position where she can afford to care for DS till he’s an adult.

Yes, written into the will. We are listed as guardians for our nephew and niece in their parents' wills incase they both die. It's not legally binding, but we take it very seriously and wouldn't have accepted if we weren't going to follow through.

This is a no-brainer, surely?
You want your kids' future to be secured in the event of your death(s) so you make sure your friends or relatives are very happy to take them on. That's all.

Yes you should ask. Really more than just ask, it should be a serious discussion including finances. You need to think about provisions in your wills for the cost of bringing up additional children (including housing) and how that will be managed. Few people have the means to absorb additional kids into the household with no negative impacts. Add grieving kids into the mix and it’s a very difficult ask. Not impossible, but difficult, and not something to be agreed to lightly.

Yes, my younger sister and I had the very same agreement when our DC were little. She has one left at 17, all our other DC are adult DC now. We both knew we'd have to move houses to get extra bedrooms to fit them all in.

Of course you should ask but children aren't possessions to be willed away and even if you have made arrangements, the people you have made an agreement with can change their minds

Of course you should ask. Most people would not be prepared or able to take on 4 children, so your friends friend is being completely unreasonable.

Had the same, many many years ago. DH’s best friend and wife decided that if anything happened to them, DH and I should have their children - at the time 4 under 5. Had changed wills and everything before “mentioning” it to us.

We were child free by choice then. When circumstances changed and he told his friend we were expecting DD they were furious, because we “obviously couldn’t have their children now” because we would “prioritise DD over them”.

Still makes me mad over a decade later!

I'm not surprised that made you mad, why on earth did they think a Childfree couple would want their children anyway? The mind boggles