AIBU to think that you should ask if people are willing to be guardians to your child?

[AskDontAssume]

A friend has just been told that she’s to be the guardian for her friend’s 4 children. That is she’s expected to take them in. Not just oversee them. This is news to her and she isn’t willing to do that which she told the parent and this is causing a lot of upset.

I had a similar situation years ago with a friend who thought I should be the guardian for her 3.

AIBU to think that for everyone’s sake that you should ask and not assume. I appreciate how terrifying it must be but please ask before you make any formal arrangements.

Me and my husband are childfree, he has A LOT of siblings and when we were all around 30 they all started having children. A few years later we were all together and somehow two siblings were talking about what would happen to their children if they died and it turned into an argument over whose children me and my husband would take if they both (and their spouses) died, then the other siblings got involved. Turns out we were expected to take on the children of seven couples if anything happened to them. They weren’t happy when we said no way but my in-laws stepped in and set them all straight and made it clear they should all make an agreement between themselves and leave me and my husband out of it.

Of course you ask/discuss.

I asked friends but made it clear it's because I didn't want my parents involved, DH parents wouldn't want them etc. I didn't expect my friend to have them just to be their advocates and to be a link for the DC to their birth parents.

I think it was highly likely one of my friends would have wanted to take them on but it wasn't expected. Hopefully someone would have moved in shortly term whilst longer term solutions were sorted so they didn't up in foster care.

YANBU; you definitely should ask.
I'm very lucky to have a sister who I love and trust, so I asked her and she agreed; she asked me too (a few years later) and I agreed.
We have 2 children each, though; if we'd had more I would've hesitated! Would still agree but it's not ideal is it.

Did you read that load of garbage back before you shit posted and thought, ‘yep, that’s great, I’ll post that’??

My friends sister was murdered by her husband. He's banged up for life. The kids are with my friend (her brother) and his wife now, have been for about ten years. It's been no romcom I assure you.

I also know another family on my town where the parents died in a car crash and their three kids now live with the maternal grandparents. Also not a romcom.

I'm the nominated guardian for my nephew, but my brother asked before he wrote it anywhere! It's a bit different though as he's an adopted child so there was a requirement for them to nominate someone just in case. I'd have to be vetted by social services I guess, if the worst happened. I've already agreed I'd move to their house and try to keep his life as normal as possible - not changing schools etc. Hopefully it's not a conversation we ever need to revisit.

The problem with not asking the person first is that if they have to be asked formally is the level of shame, guilt and fear you put on them if actually they are totally unprepared and unable to take responsibility for grieving children.

Would you leave your cat with someone for a week without asking first? Of course not, so why would you expect someone to look after your children for years without asking and without being prepared for the answer 'no'?

Of course you ask. And just because you've written it in your will doesn't mean someone has to do it.

Definitely they should have asked, although I guess even a yes isn’t guaranteed if it were to become reality and the magnitude of that request is suddenly upon them.

It’s something that worries me for my youngest as I’m an only child and I wouldn’t want my childless SIL to raise dd and my parents are too old. I’m hoping my ExH’s wife is feeling kind if worst came to worst and both my DH and I die. My ExH has said he’d have both eldest (his) and my youngest but would rather present it as fact if that happened rather than discuss something with his DW that hopefully won’t happen.

Of course you should ask and make sure it's wanted, they're your kids so you should make sure they're going somewhere! If you choose to have 4 kids, thats way more than most want for themselves or would even agree to babysit for. I wouldn't! So no way in hell would most take 4 kids, especially as the person taking likely would have either kids of their own already, have raised their kids and have no desire to go back and do all again, or decided they didn't want any. If you already had your own 2, taking on 4 more would make 6! How would you house them? Unless the parents are leaving a substantial amount of money behind how would you finance it? Absolutely mental.

Yes, you ask. We asked my DSis and BIL before we named them. They are in our wills as our desired guardians, along with being named as trustees of the trusts to be established for the DC should we both die while they are minors, so they can afford to raise them. We were pretty confident they would say yes, but I would definitely not have put pen to paper without confirming.

Obviously you would ask.

Can't believe anyone could think otherwise.

When doing our will, we did ask the concerned person if something happens to us if they will be able to look after the kids. You cannot not tell them it is a lack of respect and motlre likely the person will refuse to do so if it hasn't been discussed with them

Of course they should ask as it’s a definite possibility it could happen. One of my close friends was widowed a couple of years ago and has two young daughters. Her mother is disabled and they have no other family. She wanted to put DH and myself as their guardians in her will.
We had a frank discussion and I told her that whilst I genuinely would have them, I wasn’t in a financial position to do so and I wouldnt want to promise something I couldn’t keep as it was unfair to the girls.
No hard feelings on either side.
She came back to me a few months later and said we were the people she felt most comfortable with and we knew her DDs well.
She said if she left the proceeds of 1/2 her house in trust for the girls and half her house plus life insurance to us (obviously conditional on taking the children!) would we take them and give them the best life we could.
We looked into it and the money would enable us to build an extension for 2 more bedrooms and pay for the girls until they were through university
Hopefully it will never happen and my friend will live to see her girls grow up. But if it does, and she hadn’t made provisions, her girls would have ended up in foster care and possibly separated
Whilst it is not legally binding, her solicitor told her it shows her clear intent and, providing we are still willing and suitable, there should not be any reason why they couldn’t come to us.
Anyone with children should make provision for a guardian for them in their will, and make sure there is money for them or anything could happen

Why would you assume this? You need to ask!

You must ask and not assume how rude. I asked for my kids and have it written in my will who they will go to in the event of my death but only after speaking to the persons involved.

This is why we've specified who is to make the final decision on with who DDs would live, instead of who will look after them. Circumstances change. Finances. Space. Schools. Its one person from each of our families.

We have specified who isn't allowed to look after them though!

You should ask and you should do it because if both parents die then relatives can make a claim for guardianship. There was no way SIL was going to raise my children.

According to Google there’s currently 85000 orphans in the uk being ‘looked after’/in care.

And that’s not including parents who have become too ill or disabled to take care of their children. I assume that number is far higher

Of course you should ask, but frankly I think most people would say “of course” on the basis very unlikely both parents would die and children left orphans, it’s only a “request” and not legally binding (although I would hope if I had said yes and for some unforeseen reason I couldn’t I would ensure child was placed with a suitable relative) and the reality is who can actually say what they would do at that point (although I think most people would hopefully take children in and manage).

My elderly neighbour has 6 children (3 hers and 3 were her brothers she took in - at one point she had 6 under 7). Brother and wife died in car accident. No will. She lived in a 3 bed semi (they had girl room, boy room and her and her husband room). When I said how amazing she was to take children in, she was very much “well of course I took them in what else would someone do?”

I always tell friends when doing wills to consider putting 2-3 individuals/couples as guardians (and something along the lines of whoever feels most able to take them at the time), but also a list of things you wouldn’t want and if necessary any family members you would not want child to go to and reason why. So for example I’ve said I would prefer not grandparents because of age and health problems and risk children would lose guardian at a relatively young age when they would need stability (I’ve told my Mum who utterly agrees, but not in-laws as I know they would be really upset and would want children to live with them (but working on basis when the will is read I’ll be dead so won’t have to deal with that…).

Also make sure you have good life insurance which has kids as beneficiaries should your spouse die, and provision in will that money should be held in trust for their upbringing (with a trustee who is not the guardians to keep an eye on their interests). That way you should avoid putting a guardian in difficulties and hardship raising your children.

I looked after a friend's 2 dc whilst she was at her solicitor's.. She came back and announced she had named me as their guardian should anything happen to her.. Dps were much older and her ex was in jail.
I already had dc in double figures of my own...
We lost touch so I hope she has altered that will...

We asked the people we named as guardians in our wills. But now the kids are teenagers they get a say in who they'd live with but (my sister) would still be their legal guardian. That has been discussed with the teenagers as well and about who they would be most comfortable with.

When our children were born we arranged who would have them if anything happened to both of us . All agreed by the four of us, written into our wills , and house , funds etc put in trust with the guardians as the trustees up until 21 so all costs would be covered .

By contrast , we found out via a throwaway comment that another couple had written us in as guardians for their children in their wills , with no prior conversation. I’m sure people will say it’s nice to be trusted like that , but honestly it felt like a huge assumption.

@PuttingDownRoots you’ve been badly advised. If you don’t name a legal guardian in your will the court decides who the children shall live with. The court (and effectively its social services that jump in and advise court) may of course take views of person mentioned in your will, but ultimately court will decide.

@PuttingDownRoots it's all irrelevant whatever you have decided because the courts prefer blood relatives and make the decision.