AIBU to think that you should ask if people are willing to be guardians to your child?

[AskDontAssume]

A friend has just been told that she’s to be the guardian for her friend’s 4 children. That is she’s expected to take them in. Not just oversee them. This is news to her and she isn’t willing to do that which she told the parent and this is causing a lot of upset.

I had a similar situation years ago with a friend who thought I should be the guardian for her 3.

AIBU to think that for everyone’s sake that you should ask and not assume. I appreciate how terrifying it must be but please ask before you make any formal arrangements.

You would ask someone in advance if they were looking after your child for a weekend, why on earth would someone think you wouldn't need to ask them if they were going to be looking after your child for the rest of their lives?? Of course you ask them.

I am a guardian to my brother's child and while there is no way I would have not taken her in, it was still good to be asked. Not least of all because then we could talk through practical sides regarding finances, what sort of schooling they wanted etc. As I am childfree, I also asked them to think through if they didn't want to choose friends with children instead, but after a while, they decided that they still wanted me. Much better to do this discussion in advance rather than when sitting in the middle of a sudden tragic situation.

@TeapotTwister even if you do name someone it is not relevant to the courts who decide based on their assumption on the best interests of the child. You might be able to proactively put yourself forward but the will is not enforceable or would be chased.

@LimeViewer that’s incorrect. If you name a guardian in your will for your children then pursuant to Section 5 Children Act 1989 they obtain parental responsibility on the death of parent(s) with legal responsibility - the court does not choose.

@TeapotTwister that is correct

this has recently happened to us - my friend died and I didn’t know that I was left as guardian in the will.

if there is a living parent with PR at the time of the death then it isn't the case that it goes over to the person in the will UNLESS there is a court live in order.
if there is s court live in order and the parent that has the order dies then the person listed in their will gets PR as well as the other living parent keeping theirs.

if both parents die and are still together etf then there listed person auto gets PR.

I haven't yet put it in writing but DH and I discussed then asked my DSis if she'd be happy to take on DS and DDogs if the worst happens to both of us.
YANBU to think it should be discussed first

We were named as guardians for our friends' child, and were named in both of their wills. Of course they asked us first. It was a big deal and, although we were willing, it would have been a massive upheaval for us.
Fortunately, the "child" is now 21!

I asked my friend when I had one child, I then had twins !! So I asked again... 6 years later 2 were diagnosed with ASD/ADHD... so I asked again... at each point I made it very clear than I understood what I was asking of her and she was completely free to say no without affecting anything. On the last asking she was horrified I felt I needed to ask as she said they needed more love and security than ever. But I felt as the future had changed so much, I couldn't foist that on her without asking. I chose her as I knew she would love them as her own alongside her own slightly older children, and had the same values and priorities as us, unlike our siblings.

Yes of course you should be asked, I’ve been asked and of course I said yes, but I really hope I never have to, because I don’t want to lose a good friend or have to navigate such a huge loss with young kids. But I would do it without hesitation

What a nerve!

Of course you should be asked/ask.
As the eldest child, when I turned 18, my parents asked how I would feel about being guardian of siblings if something happened. I was also told who else the options were before I turned 18 and was clear it would be my choice.
Now my siblings are all over 21 and having their own children we've all discussed our choices before making/changing our wills - and this includes for pets as well as children. We also discuss financial elements, organ donation and funeral wishes. I really think having open discussions on these things is important.

I’m childfree. I was beyond hurt and devastated when my DB told me his DBIL was the first choice as guardian for my niece and nephew because they already had kids.

I think it might be regarded as private fostering ie social work need to approve it

This should absolutely be discussed before anything is put in writing.

Years ago my sons best friend’s mother asked me if DH and I would be guardians for her 2 children should it become necessary. She was a widow at the time, and her sister was guardian, but after a severe illness, where her sister came to help, she realized that her sister wasn’t cut out for mothering. She had provided financially for her kids.

I prayed every day for her continued good health!

My BIL asked us by text and then did a thumbs up when we said okay.
I genuinely hope never happens. I love my nieces but we already have four kids and both of theirs are neurodiverse (as are 2 of ours).

6 kids 😱. 4 ND . Between the kids we would have 4 different 4 allergies, a coeliac, a vegan and 2 vegetarians. 😭

My cousin asked me once and didn't like my "fuck no" response, so doesn't speak to me anymore! I'm very happy with that arrangement as neither him, nor his children are housetrained 😂

Not a good idea. We're they worried that no one would say yes and decided the next best thing was to spring it one someone and hope they'd feel too guilty to say no.

Absolutely you should discuss it and check clearly and directly with those involved - it is a massive responsibility for someone and not something to just assume that they will be fine with this!

It's a potentially massive obligation to undertake - of course you should ask!

DH and I are listed in my DSis and DBIL's wills as guardians for their children, but they spoke to us about it first. I said yes immediately but they insisted I think about it for a while before agreeing.

To just assume is a real cheek.

Yes you should definitely ask and also make sure enough money is available from your estate so that the family who take in your DC can buy a house big enough and pay for them as they grow up.

My childfree friend was asked18 years ago by her cousin who had 4 children. My friend was already listed as a potential guardian on her sister’s Will so said no on the basis that theoretically (although very unlikely) she could’ve ended up with 7 kids. She said at the time it was one of the hardest things she’d had to do, saying no. Especially as the cousin had no family in the UK apart from my friend and her sister (her husband is from overseas). The cousin hadn’t wanted to ask the sister because she already had her hands full with 3 boys. I don’t know what happend after that.

All 7 children are adults now so it wouldn’t have been an issue, but I think my friend was right to refuse. You should only say yes if you mean it.

Why don't you have friends?

Yanbu. We recently made wills and I even asked my sister before naming her as guardian in the event of our death. She was more than happy with this and we have a reciprocal arrangement in place for dniece. But I'd never just have assumed! You should also ensure that provisions are made to ensure that person is not out of pocket for raising them, too, leaving financial support for their upbringing.

You 100% ask. It is unlikely to happen, but it is a huge task if it does, and it could be expensive if the parents die and don't have money that could be used towards the child's care. I also think being a guardian doesn't have to 100% mean that you look adopt the child, especially if the child was in it's teens, there might be another person who would take the child in and the child would be happier with. However, it would be the guardian's responsibility to work out, help the child work out what was best, until someone else adopted them.

My childfree uncle and partner offered to have mine, but they were secondary age at that point.