Is my life a shambles?

[clickyourredshoestogether3times]

There's 4 of us. 2 adults 2 primary children. All children ours no blended families

Hubby works but is self employed so understand has quiet periods

I was working in retail but lost my job last year and have been on the hunt ever since but it's tough going

We privately rent but a lot of our monthly money is UC as my earnings are nil and his can be low like around 1200

We do manage but I feel like will it ever get easier?

Also would u judge me based on the above

Benefits will pick up the slack though, and as the op says they likely get quite a large amount. Effectively he’s moving into a life on benefits being a lifestyle choice.

i don’t judge anyone being a part timer if the other person is picking up the slack, but the op is also having to go part time, when she is employed.

id not judge but id think they could do a lot to improve their situation. Benefits stops them being in complete poverty , which is what they are there for.

Op didn’t say she was superior, why have you said she has?

blended families are part of life, as is costs of blended families.

op may or may not have added this additional information so as to be clear what the situation was - people often ask on threads if the dh is childrens dad, it’s not unusual

I wouldn't judge you and don't think your life is a shambles, but would ask don't you want more from life? Lots of good suggestions here, but I couldn't settle for what you have now, there's too much out there to do in such little time.

The UK jobs market is actually much tougher than we're led to believe, op. Keep going with the search, but I think you're being limited in terms of opportunities by your perceived childcare restrictions. Part time jobs that work around childcare are surprisingly limited. Have you thought about re-training? An option could be something like a teaching assistant, which works with school hours.

I left my job in August and have been searching ever since. My problem is that I want to break into the charitable sector, which is actually far harder than you'd think. But I've seen it as an opportunity to develop other skills and have done some professional development training in the meantime through a membership organisation. I'm just about to take on my first contract as a self employed consultant. It came about through a LinkedIn connection and former colleague, rather than applying for loads of jobs (and I've applied for absolutely loads). Three days a week, good day rate, and I'll still have enough left over to save at the end of each month. Once I've got a foot in the door, it's likely to lead to more work.

You may need to start thinking outside of the box. And you do needs to be realistic.

Why are you advising him to get a part time job?

You need to get a part time job.

Not judging for being on UC - many families are, but one of you needs to get a proper, FT job.

Having your own business is all well and good if it pays, but not if you're fannying around waiting for jobs to come in and expecting other tax payers ( many who Are also struggling but working long hours) to cover you.

*Why are you advising him to get a part time job?

You need to get a part time job.*

Because he doesn't work a lot nor earn a full-time wage. He should get an evening or weekend job to top up his wages. She's already looking for a part-time job and knows she needs one. If he won't up his game, what she actually needs is a full time job.

Why doesn't he get a full time, employee job?

Of course you're struggling, you don't even have one full-time job between you. I'm surprised UC haven't been on your case about your DH's low self-employed earnings. He needs to seriously consider whether his business is viable and/or get additional work on the days he's not working for himself.

I'm also surprised you haven't been able to find work. I appreciate that things may vary a lot between regions, but here they are crying out for staff in retail, hospitality and care. They are all sectors where it's relatively to straightforward to find work that will fit around childcare needs.

I know someone who does 5 night shifts a week in a care home, does the morning school run then goes to bed for the day. Her partner picks the kids up from after school club on his way home from work, and they pass like ships in the night before she goes off to work again.

They still have the whole weekend to spend together doing family stuff and, while it's tough, it's the only way they can cover their mortgage at the moment (he was made redundant and couldn't find anything close to the salary he was getting).

It works for them, because they're a team, they are both committed to providing for their family and he isn't fannying around in self-employment that doesn't bring enough to the table.

If he was working Wed-Fri and you were only working Mon-Tue I do judge you a little bit I think. So you were both working part time really and no one was (or is) taking the opportunity to work evenings and weekends? I know many people want to avoid that if they can but if your household income is so low then really needs must and all that. I don’t imagine you were earning a great deal either with a 2 day a week retail job.

I'm deffo going to look into McDonald's as it's been mentioned here a few times now

I am actually happy to work weekends so not an issue

My DH does still behave like he's a young child free adult which is annoying I admit.

Yes actually she needs to get a full time job.

My point was more that whilst small, his income is the only earned income they have. Bit rich to not have a job yourself and tell the person who is at least earning something that they need to get one.

If she "can't" find one, why is her solution that he easily can?

Well, @clickyourredshoestogether3times now that you've clarified you were both only working part time, that's quite a drip feed! Of course you're going to struggle. Many families with both partners working full time are struggling. When did this sense of entitlement start with some adults, that working a normal full time week is something they shouldn't be expected to do?

That’s more or less what we did in the eighties! DH was self employed, great earnings some times, very lean at others. No top up benefits back then so it was up to us to make changes. He stopped taking work away from home, and mainly worked weekends, so he was there for the children, and I found permanent, full time employment.

My DH does still behave like he's a young child free adult which is annoying I admit.

Glad you've got to the root of it. And he's not going to change by you enabling and facilitating it. Someone has to be the grown up here and cover the family finances and it's not going to be him. So he takes on the kids and you work FT, and he does his hobby around it. Or like the PP's example above, you work nights and he works days. However it tessellates best so that childcare is covered but at least one of you is working FT and bringing in enough so that you can live not just week to week but with your own safety net. You know this, but his immaturity and kicking off when challenged have somehow cowed you into thinking you have to let him have it all his way. But he's not child-free and he has responsibilities. It's beyond annoying to let it slide, it's not tenable.

Please don't just 'get into care work' if you don't actually have an interest in it. I spent years working in care with lazy people who only did it because they were told it was an easy ride/guaranteed a job. It isn't easy. But it's very rewarding, if you want it to be.

I wouldn't be judging you. This kind of thing can happen to anyone. No matter how much they earn or where they live. I'd be worried about you if you were my pal. It's a natural emotion to be worried about your friends when they fall on hard times. I hope the job hunting goes well. Have you considered NHS admin?

My point was more that whilst small, his income is the only earned income they have. Bit rich to not have a job yourself and tell the person who is at least earning something that they need to get one.

It sounded like the him-not-working-enough is a long-term issue and she's told him many times over the years to get an extra job i.e. when things are quiet and he's got no work coming in for his business. Whereas her situation is only recent and she has actively been looking for a job, while he won't even countenance the idea even though his income is nowhere near enough.

I don’t know that your life is in shambles but you are one mistake away from being in serious trouble without having a backup and that’s irresponsible given you have brought two innocent kids into this world. It happens all the time that people get sanctioned when it comes to their benefits and you wouldn’t be able to cover that yourselves.

I would judge both of you when it comes to the blatant sexism. Your DH has a part-time job that brings in less than minimum wage but you both still expect you (the only one with reliable earning potential) to work around that and that limits your options massively. Ideally you should both work full time, rely less on benefits and build up savings, including pensions.

I wouldn't judge you. Your life is what it is. Everyone has struggles.

I would wonder why you hadn't got yourself a little job though?

My DH does still behave like he's a young child free adult which is annoying I admit.

does he not know how much it costs to run the home and how much he gets in benefits then? Or does he just think it’s the states job to provide for his kids?

Nothing to judge and it's chuff all to do with anyone else. I know it is hard now but remember your current situation is not your final destination. Aim for small you goals this year. If you can save a few pounds for a lunch out treat, or to buy something small for your home, something that you see everyday and will lift you, maybe a couple of new cushion covers. Just aim for little goals until you change the big ones. Keep going, it will get better.

Well you have many positives if you are in a stable living relationship and your children are happy, well-cared for, healthy and loved. That is not a shambles.

Going forward, what you do would depend on a number of variables really. What does your husband do? Is he very good at it? If there is lots of demand for his work but he's not great at admin, could you work together to build his business?

What are your qualifications? What do you enjoy? I worked as a TA when kids were young and then trained as a teacher ( not that I'd recommend it). Try looking 10 years down the line. Where would you like to be and how could you get there?

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Most people are far too wrapped up in their own selves to care what you're doing! Good luck.

Yea I would judge you for not being able to find a job when most companies are advertising. I'd think you weren't trying hard enough or being flexible enough.

And I would judge your DH for not being able to earn more than £1200 per month. I think if you can't earn more than that self employed then time to get your head out the clouds and get a real job.

Would I voice my judgement in RL? No of course not and tbh I wouldn't even particularly care even if I had insider information on your financial circs. Most people seem quite happy to be on UC and tootle along so your family is not out the ordinary.

You have primary aged children, why aren't you both looking for full time work? Does this mean that quite often you are both just kicking around the house more days than not in a week?

I wouldn't judge you, but I do think you both have a rather laissez-faire attitude to having a very low, benefit enhanced lifestyle.