Is my life a shambles?

[clickyourredshoestogether3times]

There's 4 of us. 2 adults 2 primary children. All children ours no blended families

Hubby works but is self employed so understand has quiet periods

I was working in retail but lost my job last year and have been on the hunt ever since but it's tough going

We privately rent but a lot of our monthly money is UC as my earnings are nil and his can be low like around 1200

We do manage but I feel like will it ever get easier?

Also would u judge me based on the above

@ArchetypalBusyMum thanks for ur lovely reply and yes my kids are indeed well looked after and loved etc. they even have more savings than we do lol

@StartupRepair some months it's really good but last few months been low. I have always advised him however to get an extra part time job but he refuses and says we can manage as we are. I've stopped trying tbh as it just caused endless rows

Meant with kindness but you really need to get your head out of the sand, in all respects!

As for his family living long lives….never ever count on this…my gran and great gran lived into their 90s, and my mum and her sister died at 67 and 69 respectively (and they were non lifestyle related deaths)

OP probably said no blended families to clarify there's no maintenance and no other parent in the mix to share the burden of childcare.

I certainly wouldn't judge you, but I would encourage both of you to put more effort into improving your lot.

There are loads of jobs in retail going near where we live, and in cafes, bars etc. Where do you live that a retail job dried up just before Christmas and there wasn't another to be picked up during January sales? if it's an area badly hit by recession, you may need to rethink what you can or will do.

There is always care work and delivery work around. Neither are great pay but you could sign up with an agency and specify similar hours to your previous job. You could offer yourself as a mother's help - that's like a live-out au pair - an unqualified nanny who is never in sole charge of the children but helps out. I had a mother's help when DS1 was tiny and DS2 born with SEN and lots of physical issues. She was brilliant at assembling kids' furniture, sterilising bottles, a bit of housework etc as well as looking after one child while i gave attention to the other. Her only qualification was having been a mum herself.

And self employed people need to spend quiet times building the business until there are no quiet times. Check in with ex-clients, advertise and publicise locally to raise your profile, create offers to drum up trade etc. Is your DH doing all this?

My heads not in the sand. I'm just very matter of fact

Personally if your husband earns so low, I would expect him to do the limited hours and manage the kids, and you go full time. Min wage is 22k a year and he is well below the tax threshold if often brining in 1200 a month.

I wouldn't be letting childcare commitments limit your employment opportunities - your DH should cover childcare as he's earning less than NMW and doesn't seem very switched on about the need to support his family financially. If he's in this 'not a pot to piss in' no planning lives week to week mode, and you're apparently happy for him to amble along like that, then he needs to be the one covering the kids while you get any job that's going, not waiting for one that works around the school runs. Surely that's the upside of his self-employment that he can do that.

so many ppl on here have much higher salaries than us well into 50k and above and most seem to have their own houses

this is an odd thing to write. Min wage is 22k so two adults earning the min would be on 44. 50k plus is not far above min wage.

the average full time salary is closer to 35k. You write well into 50k like it is big money, when in reality it’s just above min wage.

If your husband is self employed why can't you work more than a few days a week or be flexible in your hours? Surely days you can't pick up he can? Your kids are at primary not tiny and at nursery - lots of admin type roles are hybrid now making life easier.

I'm not being snippy I just work in projects getting unemployed people into work and a lot of women put limits on themselves because of having children and having to work around the school run. You need to get back into work to make your lives better and be a better example to your kids. I'm saying this as a parent of a SEN child who has had massive difficulties with him attending school full time due to his disability so I'm not unempathetic (if that's a word) but realistically £1200 is not a great amount to live on - is your husband's business working? Is it worth it or would he be better off also looking for a job - even part time to secure a wage coming in.

I don’t really understand why you would put yourself up here for judgement when you are worried about being judged

I think you both could definitely do more to improve your lot, as another poster said

@Lampslights 50k isn't comparable to min wage. I think the issue is when you get to figues like 40k/50k people don't stop to do the maths and take tax and NI off.... so it sounds more than it is.

I have always advised him however to get an extra part time job but he refuses and says we can manage as we are. I've stopped trying tbh as it just caused endless rows

Is this also why you have to cover childcare, because otherwise he'll row with you? It's very easy for him to be chill about everything when you're taking all the pressure and having to live off benefits. But if he has to take on an actual responsible regular job or do the childcare, he's suddenly mr obstinate and angry? I don't like the sound of that.

I agree with previous posters, you need to get a FT job and he works around you, given that his earnings are so low. He doesn't sound very motivated so I would worry about the longevity of his business, therefore its vital that you work FT (given that he won't).

It's an unfortunate situation but as others have said, it can be fixed.

For two earners on min wage it is 44k. So a total household income of 50k is absolutely comparable due to tax treatments.

irrelvant though, thr point I’m making is the op wrote it like it was big money,

I'm not judging you but I am judging your husband a bit. His business isn't earning enough so he needs to step up the effort or get another job. Or if his earnig capacity is limited he needs to step up on the childcare to allow you to earn full time.

£1200 pm to support a family of 4 is tiny.

You will get another job soon - retail and hospitality are desperate for people, especially at the weekends.

Wasn't OP taking about 1 person earning 50k not a joint income of 50k. Totally different if so.

I agree my DH deffo needs to increase his chances of extra work. He generally works around 3-5 days a week which leaves me 2 days to work myself so for example in my last job I worked Mondays end Tuesdays and he did the childcare then he was really just working wed-Fri. So that did work for us it was just unfortunate I lost my job

Why does it matter whether people judge you or not? Your situation is not great and you are doing/need to do something about it. What a stranger thinks on the internet isn’t going to make it easier or harder.

This.

the question is how do you feel about it?

I think OP meant one person's salary of £50k (which is significantly higher than minimum wage).

He generally works around 3-5 days a week which leaves me 2 days to work myself

Sorry, but that is nuts. He brings in 1200 a month. You can work full-time and he can do the childcare. Why you're prioritising his job when he's not supporting the family with it, is beyond me.

I'm sorry I am judging now. Benefits are basically supporting your husband's lifestyle choice of a hobby business and not stepping up with domestic responsibilities.

He is behaving like someone winding down to retirement, not someone with a young family.

Yes, I do look askance at self employed people who don’t earn enough to support themselves and expect benefits to pick up their lack of earnings. If he doesn’t earn enough to survive he has a hobby, not a business. With you not working also he needs to kick his backside into gear and find himself an actual job.

Apologies I haven’t RTWT but if your DH is self employed and earns so little why isn’t he the one flexing around your childcare needs? It sounds like his ‘self employment ‘ is an indulgence when he has a family to support and he’d be much better off even in a minimum wage job with a company pension scheme. Or he takes on more of the SAHD role and works around the kids and you look for full time work. Has he actually looked at what life on a state pension would look like?

If both your kids are in primary school then you could get a job as a TA in a secondary school. Most are very short on TAs. Training on the job. Pay isn't brilliant but it fits around school hours.

Your DH doesn't quite seem to have the right mindset to be self employed. I agree he needs to out more effort into developing his business to being more money in.