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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my ex-h is a complete ar**hole?

51 replies

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 19:44

I left my ex-husband who was extremely controlling bordering on violent four years ago after five years of systematic mental and emotional abuse. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and a child with me. He has never been a 'great' dad. he has always been extrememly lazy and basically can very rarely be arsed with the whole parenting thing. After two and a half years battling with the CSA I'm finally getting regular maintenance.

My main problem at the moment is this. Whenever he has our son, he never picks up his phone ever. I only have his mobile number as he changed the house number when I moved out. I have got on with my life with my new partner and we have two lovely children together.

I have no idea where i stand legally but he is demanding to take my son away on holiday. I dread this as he does not pick up his phone when his thirty miles away let alone in a whole other country.

Also his 12 year old daughter has just told him she wants nothing more to do with him as he constnatly messes her around (hasn't seen her since Christmas). I found out today that she has started cutting herself over it.

I really dont' want my son around this man when he has a completely negative attitude towards me and women in general. he is constantly fighting with his new girlfriend around my son but if I ever say anything he just tells me to fuck off.

Any advice please?

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 23/03/2008 19:46

Do you have a solicitor? If not - I think you need one. Personally I wouldn't let a man like that take my child out - let alone out of the country.

Original poster

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 19:49

Getting divorced cost me £6000 alone. I've always been told by a solicitor that he has as much rights as I do as far as our son goes. I have had solicitors letters written to him before about his conduct and he just ignores them. He belives he is completely above the law.

His family won't even speak to me as he has brainwashed them into believeing I'm evil and mad etc. I hate my son going there I really do.

OP posts:

windygalestoday · 23/03/2008 19:58

what if you stop answering your fone and not being in when he comes to collect your ds?

Original poster

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 19:59

Last time I did that he pushed me over when I was eight months pregnant and tried to 'kidnap' ds. Phoned the police and they did absolutely nothing. My son was screaming why is daddy hurting you? It was awful.

OP posts:

teabreakgirl · 23/03/2008 20:06

I would leave to a new town or country without telling him tbh. Its not something Id recommend to anyone but if he is violent and behaves in such a way what choice do you have? Go to the CAB first and find out what you can do i.e access.

windygalestoday · 23/03/2008 20:14

im sorry my advice was a bit crap - you should keep logs of events just in case ...he sounds a right barsteward

Original poster

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 20:18

I moved county to get away from him. Left the hosue with just a plastic bag. He spent my half of the money we made on a flat which totalled to about £35000 and the judge ruled that I was only 'entitled' to £24000 of t back.

Would love to move country but have been told that if I do then I am abducting my son for all intents and purposes!

OP posts:

Janni · 23/03/2008 20:18

I think you should post this again under relationships, or somewhere other than AIBU.

No, of course you're not being unreasonable. This is a serious situation, but I'm sure lots of other MNers have dealt with similar or worse and can give you really sound advice.

Janni · 23/03/2008 20:23

Wow - you did! That was quick!
Good luck - hope you get some good advice xx

Original poster

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 20:24

Thank you xx

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 23/03/2008 20:28

I think it may be good for your son to go on holiday with his father. Surely if he lived with his father you would want to take your son on holiday sometimes. Isn't it only right fathers should have that contact even if they aren't the ideal kind of parent? Arguing with a partner is not grounds to deny someone contact with their own child

Original poster

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 20:34

My concern is that he will take my son away and I will not know where he is going, who he is with and not be able to speak with him. His girlfriend is Eastern European, my ex-h could decide to take my son over there and not bring him back for all I know.

When he is in this country and has weekend contact, he rarely drops him back when I ask him too. It's all a mind game with him. I can't imagine the fun he would have with it if he is hundreds of miles away.

The attitude of the pair of them towards me is not healthy for my son to be around. I am mature enough to hold my tongue as hard as it is. It's pretty tough when I'm constantly hearing 'my daddy hates you'. 'so and so thinks you are fat' etc!

OP posts:

Nighbynight · 23/03/2008 20:54

squinny, your ex h IS my ex h.

have you got parental responsibility? was it decided when you divorced?

Judy1234 · 23/03/2008 21:05

Why should he have to tell you what he is doing on his time? Do you tell him when the child is with you? Most parents would say the destination but not necessarily allow calls. it's his time not yours and I don't think it's unreasonable. Anyway different views. I suspect the courts would be with me

Original poster

squinny101 · 23/03/2008 21:17

Xenia I appreciate lots of different views on this but perhaps put yourself in my shoes. If you child went away and you could not contact them for two weeks. The parenting style of the parent that they were with was shoddy at its best. I am sure you would be concerned as well.

OP posts:

Nighbynight · 23/03/2008 21:25

Can you give your ds a mobile phone?

2GIRLS · 23/03/2008 21:26

I would be worried sick to let my dc's go with someone who behaves likes this. What sort of custody agreements do you have?

How is your ds when it's time to go and see him? It's not healthy for your ds to hear things like that about you and children can become very conflicted if they feel they have to 'choose' over their affection depending on who they are with.

As for him being violent with you after you divorced, it's utterly unacceptable what did you do? (Not that violence BEFORE divorce is acceptable).

Any normal father wouldn't have a problem with speaking to you whan he has your ds, but then you probably wouldn't need to call up a normal father.

If, as you say, he plays mind games it's to get at you, he just uses your ds as a tool to achieve this. Is there any way you can behave differently so that he's not getting the reaction he wants, and so might stop?

bb99 · 23/03/2008 21:31

Does your son have a passport? If not how easy would it be for ex to get one for him (then foreign holiday may not be too much of a problem)?

Does your ex have a visitation order or a custody / joint custody order and is YOUR solicitor a specialist in family law? Could you change solicitor?

Have you spoken to CAB and was his unpleasantness ever recorded by the police?

Good luck - I used to be terrified that my ex would take DC1 out of the country and not return - then I realized that he was so unmotivated, it would be barely possible for him to organise

Hope it all works out - find out about the custody etc.

Kids do need fathers (most of the time), but maybe a more planned approach would make it easier for you all.

Original poster

squinny101 · 24/03/2008 08:11

I have my son's passport and I also have his birth certificate etc. so not sure how he would go about getting one.

My son has a fantastic father/son relationship with my new partner. And I do encourage him to see his dad even though he cries and says he does not want to go.

When he behaves the way he does I try not to give him a reaction as this is what he wants so desparately to see that he is getting to me.

I called the police after he pushed me over and tried to take my son. But apparently he went to the police station first and told them that my dp assaulted him. He never all he did was push him from the front step and told him to get off our property. I then ran into my ex-h by accident whilst I was out with my younger two in the park across the road with my ds on his bike.

He snatched ds off his bike and started to carry him off, I had my dd (2) screaming as she was frightened. I tried to take ds off exh (but bear in mind I was 8 months pregnant) he pushed me off, I managed to stay on my feet. He then took DS and tried to put him in the car. DS was screaming and screaming and so was dd.

I said to him I would just calm him down and then he could take him but he wouldn't have it he started calling me a fucking slag in the street.

When he went round to his side of the car to unlock it and drive off. I opened the back of the car and got DS out and went in teh house.

He then went off to speak to the police, I called the police but they wouldn't do anything. They just said it was a domestic argument. Even when I said he pushed me they said it was my word against his! Gives hope to all victims of domestic violence out there I know.

So the case is a lot more than ' I just don't want my ds to go on holiday with my exh'. I am concerned for his safety. I am concerned for the care that he will recieve and I do not think his father is a healthy role model for him. Even after all he has done to me I still allow him access!

I really cannot afford to go down the solicitor route again. It almost bankrupted me before. I was hoping there might be a MNetter who also is a solicitor who might be able to give me some free advice!

OP posts:

mehdismummy · 24/03/2008 08:28

ring womens aid. They can give you numbers for legal advice. I dont see how he can take your son out of the country if you have all the documents. Speak to the cab or womens aid. I would feel exactly the same tbh and would not let my ds go with this spiteful man

Judy1234 · 24/03/2008 08:37

it may be because you won't let him go on holiday and deny his contact that he is driven to that. It's hard to get the full picture with just one side of postings. In most cases courts think children should see a lot of both parents. It takes a huge amount to deny that.

Why not agree a bit more contact with him and see how that goes and do what I do - I don't see or speak to my ex - he rings the bell, the twins go out to the car and there's no contact between us as a couple at all and no words spoken so no acrimony.

oops · 24/03/2008 09:06

Message withdrawn

oops · 24/03/2008 09:08

Message withdrawn

davidtennantsmistress · 24/03/2008 09:15

xenia - wtf are you on, this mans lucky to get any contact.

fwiw i'd recommend cab for legal advice - mnetters can only do so much, it doesn't sound like x will listen to legal letters so you need to try and arrange some sort of legal contact and ensure it's all maintained - not sure how it works out thou with going to court etc - then if he doesn't play by the rules as it were then he will be held accountable.

you're def not unreasonable no.

Original poster

squinny101 · 24/03/2008 09:33

Just to give you some more background as I don't think I am being unreasonable. I fled the house that we shared together with just my ds and a black bin liner. To this date, I have not gotten any of my possesions out of the property. My exh promptly spent the money that we had made out of a flat together that was supposed to go on renovating the new property. In total he spent £35000 of my money. THe judge ruled that he only need pay £24,000 of it back. I signed the house over, moved county all to get away from his controlling ways.

In the last four years he has only seen his son when it suits him. He did not pay any maintenance for nearly three years until I am finally getting some from the CSA.

Finally, even today, he was suppposed to drop ds back at 8pm last night. As of 9.33 this morning he is still not back!

OP posts:

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