to think my ex-h is a complete ar**hole?

[squinny101]

I left my ex-husband who was extremely controlling bordering on violent four years ago after five years of systematic mental and emotional abuse. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and a child with me. He has never been a 'great' dad. he has always been extrememly lazy and basically can very rarely be arsed with the whole parenting thing. After two and a half years battling with the CSA I'm finally getting regular maintenance.

My main problem at the moment is this. Whenever he has our son, he never picks up his phone ever. I only have his mobile number as he changed the house number when I moved out. I have got on with my life with my new partner and we have two lovely children together.

I have no idea where i stand legally but he is demanding to take my son away on holiday. I dread this as he does not pick up his phone when his thirty miles away let alone in a whole other country.

Also his 12 year old daughter has just told him she wants nothing more to do with him as he constnatly messes her around (hasn't seen her since Christmas). I found out today that she has started cutting herself over it.

I really dont' want my son around this man when he has a completely negative attitude towards me and women in general. he is constantly fighting with his new girlfriend around my son but if I ever say anything he just tells me to fuck off.

Any advice please?

Well, if the OP refuses to let her ds go with his dad - at weekends or on holiday - it will then be down to the ex-H to apply to the courts for a contact order (unless there is already one in place in which case he could issue proceedings on that basis).

She needs to keep a contemporaneous diary of events, including any violence or times when he doesn't turn up, any offensive language used in front of children, etc.

How old is ds? If he really doesn't want to go with his dad, the courts may take his views into account. In any event, if ex-H does commence court proceedings, a CAFCASS officer will be appointed and he/she will interview ds and make a note of his views.

squinny. Solsitice is also a good organisation that has legal advisors for women in your situation. This be very hard for you and i hope you find some help. How old is ds? Cafcas are also quite good. Do you work can you not get legal aid? To xenia i think you are bang out of order. Would you want your dc to go away with a man like this? I think you sometimes get too judgemental of others have never been in the situation yourself. Its all well and good to sit on your private island in your mansion giving advice but life is not as easy for most people as it is for you. This poor woman is going through hell and your advice is not helpful. Just judgemental

great advice from freckle as usual

In most cases it is appropriate for the children to see both parents. It is a huge wrong that children aren't ordered to be with both parents for 50% of the time after divorce and so many fathers are denied meaningful contact.

However as the law standard the courts cannot really order a mother to let a father ever see a child as they refuse to imprison mothers who deny all contact so yes, the advice simply to refuse all contact (although morally wrong in my view) often works. There are plans (thank goodness) to bring in additional methods of making parents who refuse contact agree to it short of going to prison for a refusal so that might help the plight of fathers a little more.

Xenia, do you really think it is in the best interests of a child to be forced into having unsupervised contact with a parent who has a proven track record of violence? Surely violent people forfeit the right to unsupervised contact with their children on the grounds of the children's safety.

Most mothers who deny the father contact lie. I know two men - one who just had a bath with the child and was then denied contact for a year and untrue child abuse allegations were made so it's best to assume it's untrue until it's proven. Secondly I don't think he's ever touched the child has he on what is written above. If I were denied contact I might well want to push the other parent. nothing like enough here to stop contact and very few parents are violent to their children even if they were violent to their wife.

Anyway as I said if she entirely denies contact then I doubt much can be done to make her - that's how the law mostly works and it's very unfair on fathers.

I would not let someone like this take my child on holiday abroad.
Get a better solicitor as the original advice you got was crap. Look into supervised access only for the father and no extended unsupervised visits (i.e.holidays). You clearly do not trust him and I can see why you are so unhappy at the thought of DS being away with him out of contact for weeks abroad.

Womens aid can help you through the legalities.
And hide you son's passport, at a friends house if possible.

I don't believe most mothers lie Xenia. That is a sweeping statement to make considering you very limited experience of this

Haven't read this thoroughly but have you thought about getting a residence order via the courts? I was in a similar situation (violent XP who ran off with DS on one occasion) and it means that although we both still have parental responsibility DS lives with me and, if XP ever attempted to take him again, the police would have to act sharpish. It did cost lots of money but worth it for peace of mind.

No he has never touched my ds. But when my stepdaugther was two and a half he blacked her eye for spitting food on to her plate.

He also came home drunk and threatened to 'get my son' if I did not have sex with him.

He has also made him clean his own shitty pants after having an accident whilst potty training.
Made him sleep in bed with him and his girlfriend so he could get a lie in. I'm not saying anything inappropriate happened but I don't think this is appropriate given that he is five years old.

Why would I make up any of the above statements that I have made? I am not proud of the fact that I married this man and was taken in by him and let him fleece me of every penny! I came on this for some advice from other mothers who may have experienced the same situation and ask what they have done. I'm not a liar.

I think I would spend the money and get a residence/contact order so when he breaks it you can have it enforced. Do you have a passport for your ds? If not make sure you get one and you keep it.

I agree most children do benefit from a relationship with both parents. I am very fortunate my exdh and I have a completely fluid contact arrangement for our dd but in your situation I would be worried about your ex's behaviour and motives.

for you and your ds.

Squinny - sorry to hear this and please don't take any notice of some of the above comments. The thing about abusive men (or women, for that matter) is that they are often very manipulative and capable of 'jeckle and hyde' behaviour - i.e they might seem to the outside world like laid-back, fantastic parents but inside the home are violent and abusive. This is, in part, how these people get away with ill treating their partners - the 'victim' feels she or he won't be believed as everyone else thinks the abuser is 'such a nice guy'
Sure I don't need to be explaining this to you Squinny (you are probably all too aware of it) but would like other people to understand how isolating the experience of DV is, particularly when you don't feel believed.
(Wasn't going to rise to above 'you're all liars' comment but can't help myself!)

I don't think it's wrong for a 5 year old to sleep with its parent and partner as long as they aren't having sex in the bed at the same time. If your son came into bed with you and your new man I don't think that would be wrong either.
If you were there when he hit is step daughter then yes that may have happened but is not necessarily enough to stop contact in terms of greater damage done by denial of it. Anyway as I say you would probably get away with not allowing contact so if you thinks that's best do it. There are virtually no penalties that work against mothers who do that.

Could you not say offer contact when he is with his parents at their house or even at a CAFCASS contact centre if that's the only way you will feel he is safe?

Haven't read all of post but can say

all ex-husbands are a**hole's I'm sure!!

not that I'm bitter or anything lol

xeina- honestly your comments are not helping the OP here. the OP was asking about her DS going on holiday with him not stopping contact per se. and also 50% of the time honestly it wouldn't work in most cases. certainly wouldn't in mine.

I do feel thou you should keep a diary, get in touch with caffass (sp) and try to get a legal agreement of some sort drawn up.

what time did he return your son today? things like this he needs to know are not OK. as I say i'm all for the other parent seeing the child but in some cases it's not as simple as that. What does your current DP/H say about it all?

He dropped him back at 10am. Said he thought that was the agreed time.

My DP becomes quite exasperated with it all. For example at Christmas I was crying because DS was with his dad and he wouldn't answer his phone just so I could wish him happy christmas. He said that I knew he would do this.

He is a fantastic dad to my ds and my ds adores him. noticably when i had my parent/teacher consultation at the school the teacher said that he goes on about my dp all the time and never speaks of his father.

DP is of the impression that I should make him sign something everytime exh picks up DS and drops him back so I have something in writing to fall back on should he not drop him back.

I just want to get this straight. I have never once stopped contact between my exh and ds even though I think he is a shit father.

All I really wanted was some support as to what I should do regarding the whole contact by telephone and holiday situation.

What a difficult situation. You have my sympathies. I think seeking advice from somewhere like womens aid as others have suggested is a very good idea.
I think anyone who makes blanket statments saying every child should have contact with both parents and joint custody are worth ignoring. For some families joint custody works, for some especially where violence or neglect is an issue this would not be in the best interests for the child.

squinny, can I just say I think you have been remarkably generous and magnanimous in allowing your XP (yes he is a *rsehole)the contact you have.

Why is it that some men can behave so unbelievably badly and people will STILL leap in to defend them because 'parents should always have contact'. Even when there is evidenceof abuse FFS!

I agree with skeletonbones IGNORE these comments. You don't need to justfy yourself.

And BTW the short answer to you original post squinny is no, YANBU!!

Also second the advice to contact womensaid. They will have dealt with this before.

Glad that you have a supportive DP to help you through all this

I can't believe that you could be made to let your ds go on hoilday with your x - but I don't have any experience or knowledge on this so I can't say for certain, sorry, I'd love to be able to help you.

I would take all the good advise you've got from here and see what steps you can take, anyway if you've got his passport and birth certificate it becomes very difficult to take him anywhere unless he reports the passport stolen and applies for a copy of the birth cert to get a new one, but does that seem like too much bother for him?

YANBU at all, I would try everything in my power to stop x from taking him away, and I would do everything I could to limit the contact too (sorry if that's not a popular view).

Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum with a lovely family.

Speaking from a personal situation, as a child my father was a twat. I was only 10 when they divorced and he was pretty much the same. After 7 yrs old the courts have to take what a child says into consideration. Maybe you can go at it from this angle? Would def get a second opinion. I havent seen my father since and i dont want to. Despite what some people have posted I dont believe that all fathers or mothers have the 'right' to see their children if they cant behave in a positive and respectful way. Sometimes you are better off without a particular person in your life, family or not.

Thank you for all your messages of support. My ds asked me only yesterday why his daddy hated me so much. I was a bit stumped as to what to say. So I just replied that it was very sad that daddy was saying these things to him and I didn't hate his daddy (fingers crossed firmly behind back).

He told me it makes him sad when his daddy says horrible things about his mummy because I'm his best friend.

He also told me he loves me more than anyone else in the whole wide world and he never wants to live with his daddy.

I'm not sure what happened to prompt all this but the idea of him taking my son away even on holiday fills me with dread!

for you squinny and your little man-I'm sorry, I don't have anything constructive to say,he sounds a utterly vile man .

Xenia...what planet are you on??? If you had even a whiff of suspicion that someone may have violent tendencies would you let your DCs go off with them to a foreign country for two weeks?? I for one would have serious concerns. I am all for being fair and hearing both sides of an argument, but awful things do happen to children at the hands of those who are supposed to care for them. The benefit of the doubt is not always a safe option. Remember Victoria Climbie?

DS has now told me that his daddy is taking him to America at Easter.

I have mailed Exdh half jokingly saying hope this isn't true and he hasn't replied.

Can he apply for a passport without my permission? We were married so he does have parental responsibility.

Also it would just be a replacment as his current passport has expired so doesn't need birth certifcate etc.?