AIBU to invite them all to ours?

[Shlr]

TLDR (Too long didn't read): lots of family staying over, they're really stressing DH out, should I invite them to hang out at our house tomorrow as the weather looks too bad for a walk?

My mum, brothers, their partners and kids have all been planning a belated Christmas celebration this month. The location was tbc for a long time but more recently it was decided that it would be in London, where my brother who has a newborn lives, as travelling is difficult for them. We live in London too. Other brothers have travelled from Wales and elsewhere to be in London with us. We're a big group, 11 adults and 6 children aged 2 months - 6 years.

My mum and one brother and his partner are staying in our house for 2-3 nights whilst others are staying either at my other brother's or with friends.

It's been tricky to decide on a good place to all hang out as we are such a big group. We've done a museum followed by hang at my brother's, and we've done a pub lunch followed by hang at our house.

It's busy and chaotic but I love having everyone here. We don't have guests often and I tend to get a bit lonely in every day life, so I really like this.

To backtrack though, my DH feels the opposite. He's had an incredibly busy and stressful year with work, and has finally been given a week off to recover. Ideally for him, he'd have had no plans whatsoever and been able to rest and catch up on life admin.

Unfortunately it has been half term so we've had both kids (2 and 5), plus it just so happens that this family event is occuring at the same time. So he's pretty unhappy about it all in general.

While he's a social guy, he likes to have his own space. He thinks our house is too small for our little family of 4, so when 17 people pile in he feels cramped! It also doesn't help that he hates mess, whereas my family don't really notice it and can be quite messy.

Earlier in the week DH had asked me to not have too many people stay over (I had to ask one bro to stay at a friend's when we could easily have squeezed him in). He asked me to ask my mum to leave on Sunday instead of Monday so he could have his Sunday night to chill as he was anxious about starting back at work on Monday. He also asked me not to invite everyone here on Sunday morning as he finds it too stressful. He also didn't want me to let anyone know that these were his requests so as not to fall out.

I did the first two things. I felt guilty and awkward asking my family members not to stay and it was so hard to be tactful and not hurt their feelings.

Since all of this, DH is actually now feeling less anxious about work on Monday because he's managed to arrange a few additional days off next week. I also tried to take care of the kids all last week and give him the space be needed to recover from this year of really stressful work. (I should point out it's been quite a stressful year for me too, with the kids, as he's been so absent). DH now says we should have let my bro stay (too late) and that my mum doesn't have to leave on Sunday. She feels better knowing that.

So anyway -
Tomorrow (Sunday) we don't have a plan but want to get together. We were going to plan a walk but it's supposed to rain. My mum keeps pushing for us to all hang out at our house again (even though DH specifically requested not to). The others all agree that our house is bigger than my brother's place and has more toys / entertainment for the kids. I agree, and it's nicer in my opinion! Plus, even if the weather was good, a walk would be hard on my mum who has arthritis in her hip and walks slowly with a stick. And museum trips are too tiring and everyone goes off in different directions, and pubs are very expensive/ not to mention hard to get a table late notice for such a big group.

So when everyone was asking me what we'd do tomorrow, it seemed so logical to me that everyone should just come here again. Plus my mum keeps pushing for it, along with others, so I was in a tricky position. I knew it made sense, I knew my DH didn't really want it, but I didn't want anyone to feel unwelcome. So I went along and said in as uncommitted a way as possible that we should probably hang out at ours and would confirm in the morning.

That's where we are. DH is pushing for a walk even if the weather isn't great. He would way rather we went to my brother's place but no one else wants to and I don't have a good reason to request it without telling people DH doesn't want them here.

If it's really rainy in the morning I'm not sure what I'll do!

Would I be unreasonable to persuade DH that everyone should come here? Or should I be more considerate towards him?

I would feel exactly like your DH but I can see having them at your house would absolutely be the right thing to do.
Could DH go off and escape somewhere if he’s finding it too much?

i agree with the above can he take himself out for a couple of hours?

I'd see if DH could go out? Give him some money to go to the shops?

Or? Is there a museum nearby? Or a pub?

It really does around like your DH needs a break

So who's going to cater and clean up after the noisy messy 17 people?

I’d see it that DH gets a day to go out so whatever he wants so he’s not expected to be part of the chaos but he’s not scuppering 16 people’s enjoyment.

My bil once told my sis to tell me to leave early ( over Christmas) when I was staying there. I was there for very sad family reasons. I won’t bore you with the details but I never forgave him, it was totally unnecessary and unkind. Very awkward for her as well. They’re divorced now.
I think he is entirely unreasonable to not suck it up when he knows it will give you a lot of pleasure, but he’s spoiled it now anyway. Selfish fuck.

Tell him to go for a walk / to a cafe / go to the pub / whatever.

if he doesn’t like it (which is fineeee) and wants peace and quiet let him go out rather than inconveniencing 17 people.

I assume they aren’t moving in with you both permanently? A couple of days is very common, he is being a bit moody. Why doesn’t he go elsewhere for the day. Or book a soft play area for the whole family. Just get there early,

So some people think 'hey dh know you're working and tired and stressed, but my family have decided our house is their social hub, so some are staying here, 17 of us will use it to socialise in, be chaotic and create mess, you're of no note or opinion because what we want goes'?

The thought of 17 people sitting in my house expecting to be fed, have cups of tea made, and entertained is horrific.

Do you even have enough mugs for all the cups of tea?

I feel sorry for DH. He has asked you not to do this and you're looking on mumsnet for reasons and excuses to ignore him. It's not as if you haven't already had a few days with your family!

He's had an incredibly busy and stressful year with work, and has finally been given a week off to recover

i think it was a bad idea to plan this extended family get together at a time when he needs to recuperate. All meeting up for a day maybe but just days sitting in his house when he’s stressed, is too much.

I think your DH is being a bit pathetic actually

It's not as if this is every weekend

Logically, come to yours. DH wanting a walk despite your DMs arthritis and the weather, is selfish

If it's really that hard on him, can he not take himself off to the cinema and then for a pub lunch or something and have some time on his own away from your family and all the children

Why didn’t you organise this big family event and hire a house that fitted you all?

I would be like your DH and the thought of 17 people in our house fills me with horror. How many rooms do you actually have? Do people have to sit on the floor?

All this 'he needs to leave his own house if he doesn't want to entertain them' is awful! Can you imagine how apoplectic MN would be if the op was 'my dh says I need to leave the house if I don't want to host 17 members of his family all day again' the LTB would be sky high!

I'd do this. And apologise to your DH that this family get together was badly planned but that now they have travelled to see you, you can't think of a better plan for today so as a one off you are going to have them here but you know 17 is too many to host on such short notice really, so you don't mind him going out (and don't make him feel guilty for that) and it won't happen again.

In future you need to plan seeing family differently as this clearly doesn't work for anyone. See different bits of the family seperately, not all together, unless anyone has space AND WANTS TO properly host a get together. Which could be one day. Or meet somewhere for one day. Or hire a big holiday house you can all fit in. 17 is just too many to be hanging out for days with no real plans.

However, even as an introvert who would also freak out at this level of hosting, I do lose sympathy for your DH on the time off thing. Most parents deliberately need to take the majority of their leave to cover school holiday childcare? Not have a week to themselves, so why is he poor me that it happens to fall that week? Especially if he now has a few days entirely to himself next week, if I understand rightly. That's a massive luxury for most working parents.

Could they all chip in for a takeaway or something so you don't have to mass cater.

I understand where your dh is coming from

And what happens like its already done if ops family doesn't want their fun to end and refuse to leave at the end of the day? Does he have to stay out till night time? Or one of them has the great idea they'll all just stay over 'it'll be such fun for the kids!'

Id feel exactly how your DH is feeling, except it’s my family that visit in large numbers! It feels as if my calm sanctuary is being invaded and it really stresses me out > spot the introvert!

There needs to be compromise, can you not say DH has to meet a deadline and will be working today, this way he can stay out the way ‘working’.

I think he has to accept if you tell them that it's not possible for everyone to come to your house, that you tell them the reason why.

Are large family gatherings often inconvenient and a bit stressful at times? Undoubtedly.

Are they important and valuable? Yes.

It’s one weekend. So often I read posts about asserting boundaries but in many (not all) cases it’s people doing what is most convenient for them. A life of everything being to your own preferences seems pretty narrow and unfulfilling to me.

I've had this a lot of the last 30 years with my DH's family. I think your DH just has to suck it up this time. As PP says these things are part of being in a big family and part of the reason my DCs are so close to their cousins. If he's that stressed maybe a walk on his own would help him?!

Yeah I agree with other PP’s, this doesn’t sound like a regular occurrence and I would be very disappointed if my DH was going on like this. The fact is you have two young children so “chill” time is limited anyway and quite a luxury at the best of times. Id say that if he really wanted to chill out then to take himself off somewhere for the day (although I think that’s quite unreasonable in itself but hey ho!).

We have a similarly large family Fortunately my single sister loves to host so she usually jumps at the chance. When we have hosted, I know my oh is happy its over although he would never admit that and whilst he loves my family, he likes his own space at home.

I think as much as possible you need to come up with a plan b. Even if that is taking a flask and a ball to the park so the kids can get muddy and play and the adults sit and have a drink, even if it is raining. Or go to brothers house if he is willing to host? Or a pub just for drinks not food to keep the costs down.

I'd use the excuse of oh not feeling well so cant host. 17 is more a party than hosting family. And in my experience of family get togethers, it is pretty chaotic with the kids all together so for someone to be a reluctant host, when you have ready had them all round once and agreed they wouldnt coke this morning before hand, its a lot to ask

17 is just too many to be hanging out for days with no real plans.

Definitely-I wouldn’t be doing this again any time soon. Share a holiday house, meet up for the day somewhere in the summer in a park, meet in smaller groups, but this hasn’t really worked.

You’ve been considerate of your DH, he’s backtracked slightly (but too late) so it seems fair he takes himself off for a walk and the pub and an early night whilst you have your family over. On his walk he can buy some noise cancelling headphones.

It’s my idea of hell too! But it’s one day, and a late Christmas by the sounds of it. He’s had all his own way until now by the sounds of it. He sounds a bit pampered.

In future would you consider an air bnb for all of you- or perhaps your DH😆.