AIBU to invite them all to ours?

[Shlr]

TLDR (Too long didn't read): lots of family staying over, they're really stressing DH out, should I invite them to hang out at our house tomorrow as the weather looks too bad for a walk?

My mum, brothers, their partners and kids have all been planning a belated Christmas celebration this month. The location was tbc for a long time but more recently it was decided that it would be in London, where my brother who has a newborn lives, as travelling is difficult for them. We live in London too. Other brothers have travelled from Wales and elsewhere to be in London with us. We're a big group, 11 adults and 6 children aged 2 months - 6 years.

My mum and one brother and his partner are staying in our house for 2-3 nights whilst others are staying either at my other brother's or with friends.

It's been tricky to decide on a good place to all hang out as we are such a big group. We've done a museum followed by hang at my brother's, and we've done a pub lunch followed by hang at our house.

It's busy and chaotic but I love having everyone here. We don't have guests often and I tend to get a bit lonely in every day life, so I really like this.

To backtrack though, my DH feels the opposite. He's had an incredibly busy and stressful year with work, and has finally been given a week off to recover. Ideally for him, he'd have had no plans whatsoever and been able to rest and catch up on life admin.

Unfortunately it has been half term so we've had both kids (2 and 5), plus it just so happens that this family event is occuring at the same time. So he's pretty unhappy about it all in general.

While he's a social guy, he likes to have his own space. He thinks our house is too small for our little family of 4, so when 17 people pile in he feels cramped! It also doesn't help that he hates mess, whereas my family don't really notice it and can be quite messy.

Earlier in the week DH had asked me to not have too many people stay over (I had to ask one bro to stay at a friend's when we could easily have squeezed him in). He asked me to ask my mum to leave on Sunday instead of Monday so he could have his Sunday night to chill as he was anxious about starting back at work on Monday. He also asked me not to invite everyone here on Sunday morning as he finds it too stressful. He also didn't want me to let anyone know that these were his requests so as not to fall out.

I did the first two things. I felt guilty and awkward asking my family members not to stay and it was so hard to be tactful and not hurt their feelings.

Since all of this, DH is actually now feeling less anxious about work on Monday because he's managed to arrange a few additional days off next week. I also tried to take care of the kids all last week and give him the space be needed to recover from this year of really stressful work. (I should point out it's been quite a stressful year for me too, with the kids, as he's been so absent). DH now says we should have let my bro stay (too late) and that my mum doesn't have to leave on Sunday. She feels better knowing that.

So anyway -
Tomorrow (Sunday) we don't have a plan but want to get together. We were going to plan a walk but it's supposed to rain. My mum keeps pushing for us to all hang out at our house again (even though DH specifically requested not to). The others all agree that our house is bigger than my brother's place and has more toys / entertainment for the kids. I agree, and it's nicer in my opinion! Plus, even if the weather was good, a walk would be hard on my mum who has arthritis in her hip and walks slowly with a stick. And museum trips are too tiring and everyone goes off in different directions, and pubs are very expensive/ not to mention hard to get a table late notice for such a big group.

So when everyone was asking me what we'd do tomorrow, it seemed so logical to me that everyone should just come here again. Plus my mum keeps pushing for it, along with others, so I was in a tricky position. I knew it made sense, I knew my DH didn't really want it, but I didn't want anyone to feel unwelcome. So I went along and said in as uncommitted a way as possible that we should probably hang out at ours and would confirm in the morning.

That's where we are. DH is pushing for a walk even if the weather isn't great. He would way rather we went to my brother's place but no one else wants to and I don't have a good reason to request it without telling people DH doesn't want them here.

If it's really rainy in the morning I'm not sure what I'll do!

Would I be unreasonable to persuade DH that everyone should come here? Or should I be more considerate towards him?

What do all these people do normally at Christmas? Do you stay in one house for days on end? Whose house?

I agree hiring a holiday house might be an alternative but surely that would be worse for the DH as he’d have them for the whole long weekend with no chance to escape, and it’s not ideal for the family with the newborn, plus hiring a holiday house for 17 people anywhere (but especially in London) will cost a fortune, plus it’s an administrative nightmare for someone to take on (especially when theses a perfectly nice house with stuff for the kids to do available).

You can hire holiday houses in small areas so everyone has their own space but you’re all together still. Or going to somewhere like Centre Parcs and having a couple of cabins between you.

Seems a lot of people if the house is already a bit cramped TBH. I think escape for lunch (in London must be spoilt for choice!) and maybe in future somewhere else .17 people is a lot!

I am glad my husband is more respectful than you seem to be! Your DH has been given the week off to recover from a stressful year at work and you are completely ignoring this. He asked you not to have everybody at yours today, why would you offer to host??
Just go to a free museum, settle in the cafe as your base and people can come and go within the museum as they want in smaller groups, meet back in the cafe, etc.

This. I think it’s cruel.

17 messy people in a house, what a nightmare.

So @Shlr your h was in desperate need of a week off to do as little as poss etc and he chose half term? Thats the first problem.

had he have said, I’ll take the following week, he’d have been totally clear of this event and you would have had to say to brother to step up and do the heavy lifting on the family hub business

he does need to take himself off for some peace and quiet and ultimately suck this up, it’s too late to get pissy about any of this when people are here, this event would have been clearly weeks in the planning.

I would have a breakdown if I had to cram 17 additional people into a house that DH thinks is a bit tight for 4. I know some people love the chaos and think it's fun but I would have raging anxiety and would probably cry.

Can DH go to a hotel for the day/night so he can rest, watch TV, relax? It is unfair on him really as he is missing out on time with his DC but I would prefer that to the situation you describe.

Why should he bugger off out of his own his to accommodate 17 people he asked not to be there....

Because its faaaamily and according to some that trumps the actual resident of the house!

Hahaha now I've got a medley of eastenders characters shouting faaaahmlaaaay going around in my head

Imo you are being totally unreasonable, the house is your husband's home too he has an equal say in how it is used, who is invited to it and how long they stay for.

You blithely state this : He thinks our house is too small for our little family of 4, so when 17 people pile in he feels cramped! It also doesn't help that he hates mess, whereas my family don't really notice it and can be quite messy. Happy to have your family totally disrespect your husband and his home.

No, your husband should not have to leave his home to suit you and your family either, as a previous pp said imagine the response on here if the roles were reversed.

Try thinking about and considering your husband and not just yourself and your family.

If the sexes were reversed there's no way you would have told the OP to leave her own home.
I don't believe anyone on here who says they would say the same thing.

Me neither.

Indeed. Women are expected to stand their ground and be respected in their home.

Men are expected to fuck off out if they don’t like it and shut the fuck up, other wise they are controlling or abusive.

Well I would expect my husband to suck it up, as it is occasional, it would be different if it were regular. Putting your self out for your partner, and being nice to their family is an important part of marriage to me. I factored it into my choice of husband, and I would not have married someone who would do this for me. But I personally do not like the narrow nuclear view of family as a couple and their kids. It is difficult if there is a mismatch of expectations around this and I think that often happens.

I've got 2 people staying for 2 days this week and I'm stressing! Should have rented an airbnb/big house elsewhere.

Maybe next time they could organise an air bnb. That way no-one is super inconvenienced and everyone can pop in and out when they want.
17 messy needy people including kids, in a small house, sounds stressful to me.

Well I would expect my husband to suck it up, as it is occasional, it would be different if it were regular. Putting your self out for your partner, and being nice to their family is an important part of marriage to me. I factored it into my choice of husband, and I would not have married someone who would do this for me. But I personally do not like the narrow nuclear view of family as a couple and their kids. It is difficult if there is a mismatch of expectations around this and I think that often happens.

He has put himself out for his partner - he had a week off work to recuperate from the stress caused by said work, Op admits that he has had a very difficult, stressful time at work and needs this time to recuperate. Ideally he would have just spent the week with OP and children and relaxed but he has had 3 extra people staying in the house for 2-3 nights, has had 17 people in the house causing mess and disruption, again Op admits it has been chaotic with so many people. All he asked for was a day and night of relative peace and calm before returning to work on Monday, that is hardly a lot to ask.

OP wants to repeat the chaos and mess of 17 people, her husband doesn't that is perfectly reasonable, he has already compromised on what he originally wanted for his week off work.

Doing things for your partner works both ways.

Completely irrelevant.

Wow thank you everyone for all your input, very divided opinions!

So to add some clarity:

It's 17 people in total, including the 4 of us.

DH actually had two weeks off work to recuperate: this past week and the week before. Unfortunately both kids were sick the first week and, although I tried to keep them away from him, they love their daddy and I couldn't take them out of the house so he didn't get the chill he'd needed. Plus I was in hospital with one of them some of the time.
Then unfortunately this past week was half term. Also DH had planned a long weekend theme park holiday for the four of us in the middle of his time off. I feel like I've been bending over backwards to give him breaks for the last two weeks and it's been really challenging and still not enough.

I should say though, when I did help him get some downtime he used some of it to sort out really important things for our family that neither of us had managed to do yet, like organise our finances. Or sort out the shed. So I wish he'd had more available time too, it benefits us all and this has been frustrating for both of us.

The family get together date has been in the diary since Christmas. I do admit it was badly planned. We should have planned a day somewhere today but I couldn't think of anywhere good to go. It's so hard to actually see anyone when you go out somewhere, like a gallery or whatever, everyone goes in different directions. And can anyone think of a big soft play in London where you can stay for ages and non-parent adults will be happy? If anyone has suggestions please let me know!

We usually have these events at my mum's house up north. It was decided fairly last minute that we would hold it in London because of the new baby. We could have realised this earlier and planned it better, but I didn't think of it and the baby's parents didn't say anything earlier so there you go. We didn't see each other at Christmas, I was in London with DH family.

My extended family will be having a holiday all together again in a rented air BnB in the summer, so this really is a one-off occasion due to specific circumstances. It's just very unfortunate about the timings of DH time off.

His work is project-based which is why the time off had to be taken now rather than next week.

He sadly now probably can't take the days off next week like he thought. So it looks like he's at work tomorrow. On an easier project at least.

In response to the suggestions for him to go out for the day, he didn't want that at all. Just wants peace and quiet at home. I completely agree with him and it really is a shame about the timings. But I also feel strongly about family time being important. He agrees luckily. It is just a lot of people and bad timing.

For yesterday's gathering at our house, I cooked everyone a big soup and he didn't have to do much hosting at all. People mostly made their own cups of tea. We're all quite relaxed, it's not a big formal thing. He ended up chatting to people, playing with the kids and eventually watching TV with them when they got tired of playing. I did washing up and clearing plates and cups, some family helped. DH ran around tidying before I'd had a chance.
When I say my family are messy, they're not terrible. They're not the best at clearing up after themselves but don't trash a place. It's probably our own two kids who make the most chaos to be fair!

The reason why I was asking Mumsnet about this is because he has said he didn't mind them coming over again but seemed reluctant. I was wondering whether to go ahead or not.

Oh and our house isn't actually small. It's a 5 bed London terrace. Quite narrow, not especially large but I feel very lucky to live somewhere like this in London. He just has a thing about wanting a much bigger home (ideally outside London!)

I feel quite sad about having to ask my family not to stay longer, I hope I was tactful enough and they do understand the circumstances. I hate being in that position and it's happened before but I can't remember when. We've never had a big group come like this.

A pp mentioned his work stress is getting in the way of enjoying family life. Bang on. Thinking of ways to improve this.

ANYWAY, we got very lucky today with the weather! Phew! We made the (very true) excuse that if we stayed inside our kids would go stir crazy. We did end up walking and doing playgrounds and cafes. We drove part of the way to minimise walking for my mum. I think it was a lot for her but we did our best to meet her in the middle and she enjoyed the day. We actually all had a really nice time.

DH enjoyed it too, although is now really tired before work tomorrow. I gave him plenty of opportunities to go home to rest while we were out but I think he was loving playing with our DS on the slide!

Everyone has gone home now, things are peaceful just the way he needed them. I am actually sad everyone has gone and miss them already! I had told my mum she could stay but she left today anyway. I've spoken to her about the situation and she does understand but I do sincerely hope she doesn't feel put out. She is the person I feel a little guilty for after this weekend :(

Thanks everyone for your insights, they have been helpful.