If your grandparents, would this be too much?

[Sprogonthetyne]

Trying to work out if we're taking the piss with our school holiday arrangements. The situation is that I work nights, can take all of the school summer, Easter & christmas off (so no issue there) but usually have to work 2-3 nights during half-terms. DH can take these days off, but would find it difficult to keep the DC out all day or quiet in the house while I sleep.

The solution we've used for the last few half terms is that DH & DC all go and stay with the in-laws, for those 2-3 days. They're not doing childcare as such, as DH is there too, but there's likely to be a lot of "granny, look at this, grandad play with me .." from the kids. They have never expressed any issues with this, but it's always DH asking if they can come, so not sure if they feel put on the spot. DPil live about 2 hours away, and apart from this we see them 6-8 times a year, with either them coming here or both going to another relatives house.

If you have grandchildren, would you be happy for them to be in your house for that long, three times a year? Or would you be getting sick of it and prefer it if we made other arrangements and stuck to day visits?

That would be fine with us, particularly with dad there too, to do the “parenting”.

Are your inlaws retired or do they still work? How old are your children?

I'm retired now and I'd love this arrangement, especially if Dad stays too.

I went to my parents every half term for years, they loved seeing us.

I'm not a grandparent but every school holiday, bar maybe a week in the summer where we had a family holiday, we were packed off to grandparents- who lived opposite ends of the country.

The only people who can tell if if it's too much are your PiL.

This is going to be impossible to gauge-it is going to be too much for some people, but not for others. I think DH needs to ask his parents how they feel about it.

Assuming I was retired I'd be happy with this. My parents would be too.

Personally I'd be delighted! But it depends on a lot of things - are the gps working? Are they fit and healthy? Etc. But in and of itself 3 nights 3 times a year is not taking the piss at all.

One is fully retired, the other has dropped their hours to part time, and can be flexible on which days, so will work at most 1 day they are there.

The kids are 7 & 4, both go to bed at a reasonable time (one 7pm, one 8pm) and sleep through the night, but can be quite full on / excitable during the day.

DH and I are early 60s, no gc yet, but one dc is married and the other one their way to it, so I reckon in 10 years we could have 4 school age GC between, say 3 and 7! We'll be retired then and early/mid 70s.

We have tons of space and if they had a parent with them and have boundaries similar to those set for our children, I think it would be lovely and would like to help. If one of us were not in the best of health I can see that three meals a day for four extra people, making up beds, industrial shopping and cooking could be too much. In those circs we'd probably pay for a local hotel for them but see them lots.

Sounds ideal, DH there to do the actual parenting, grandparents for fun stuff. As long as everyone happy with the arrangement dont worry OP.

Tbh I think it's a massive upheaval to expect your whole family to move out because you work nights. Get some earplugs.

I do this with my parents - not because of the night shift thing but just generally and they love it. They would be happy to do it more

Also you're doing almost all of the school holiday childcare, I'm sure it's nice for you to have a proper break from the kids

I'm sure they absolutely love it. How lovely to have grandchildren taken to them with their son present too.

If they had other plans they could still go.

I see your point but it's DH driving it no me. PIL live in the kind of place where people go on holiday too, so another aspect is that he finds it easier to keep them busy there, and probably does appreciate having another pair of hand if needed.

Is this an easier option for DH than having the kids at your own house and keeping them quiet or taking them out himself? I did nights for years-earplugs and an eye mask work wonders. If needed, couldn't you stay elsewhere- with your own family?

We can't say how the GP's feel about your arrangement, but I've give them the option of at least 1 or 2 holidays without the mandatory visits.

I think it is fine as long as your DH is pulling his weight with caring for and entertaining the kids. Not so much if he is sat on his arse playing with his phone and expecting to be waited on by his parents.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that DH is taking the easy option. I would love this. I adore all my DILs and my SiL, but it is nice to see them all separate from their partners as well as when they are in a couple

Well I see my DGC every day, sometimes with their parents, sometimes without. Sometimes they sleep here. We live pretty communally and its all very flexible, so it would seem very little contact to me. However, there are GPs who would find it too much. Point is, everyone's different and you need only know how your in laws feel really, not how we do. Why not get DH to ask them? They're his parents, so surely he can have an honest conversation with them.

I assume DH finds it easier, or maybe just enjoys the visits. Until now I've taken the approach of making sure DH knows which days he's got the kids, then leaving it up to him, much like he doesn't worry what I'm doing with the kids in the holidays when I have them and he's at work.

I'm just conscious of the fact he's fallen into a pattern of doing this every half term, so worried I might need to point out 3 times a year is a lot (he's not always good at picking up on hints, and MIL isn't good at being direct). But it's also possible I'm just over thinking, as many here say they'd be fine with it.

Having grown up with my parent working shifts for my whole childhood, my experience was that it's miserable being constantly expected to keep noise down because dad is sleeping, don't flush the toilet because it's next to where dad is in bed, no toast in case it sets the smoke alarm off, no friends over because they might forget to be quiet, no playing music, ..... etc

If I were a gran, I'd love having DS and the kids for a few days and treasure the time with them.

I think if they’ve never offered it and your DH always asks, it may mean they feel they can’t say no. If they loved it surely they’d make some noises like “can’t wait to do it all again next half term” - do they do this?

I'd love it.. l have four Grandsons age 18 16 15 and nine.. nine year old sleeps over at least once a week.
Eldest used to take it in turns.. they are too old now but they come to see me on their own.
I'm going to stay with them for a week while their Mum is away soon.
I'm 65.. became a Gran age 46.
It's not too much for me on my own.. so doubt be too much for you.

I’d be testing the water. Eg ‘we are really appreciative of this arrangement but don’t want to impose. Would you prefer we take it down to 2 days rather than 3?’

Ask them? If it gets too much, dh can take them out.

Honestly this sounds like a perfect arrangement. The Grandparents get some quality time with GC, see their son and yet dad is there to take the strain.
It's not a weekly obligation which I think is much harder on grandparents.