If your grandparents, would this be too much?

[Sprogonthetyne]

Trying to work out if we're taking the piss with our school holiday arrangements. The situation is that I work nights, can take all of the school summer, Easter & christmas off (so no issue there) but usually have to work 2-3 nights during half-terms. DH can take these days off, but would find it difficult to keep the DC out all day or quiet in the house while I sleep.

The solution we've used for the last few half terms is that DH & DC all go and stay with the in-laws, for those 2-3 days. They're not doing childcare as such, as DH is there too, but there's likely to be a lot of "granny, look at this, grandad play with me .." from the kids. They have never expressed any issues with this, but it's always DH asking if they can come, so not sure if they feel put on the spot. DPil live about 2 hours away, and apart from this we see them 6-8 times a year, with either them coming here or both going to another relatives house.

If you have grandchildren, would you be happy for them to be in your house for that long, three times a year? Or would you be getting sick of it and prefer it if we made other arrangements and stuck to day visits?

We normally have the DGC over school holidays as do their other grandparents. We live 2 1/2 hours from them and either we go to collect or one parent drops off. The parents of course are welcome to stay but I think they enjoy the break!

NC for this. We have DGC of exactly these ages, are retired and love to look after them - without DS. It’s easier without a parent there who naturally imposes his/her own rules about discipline in our house. Here we’re far more relaxed, have a different routine whilst abiding by parental wishes about food. Our aim is for happy days building up life-long memories.

As much as I think its wild that your DH can't just have the kids at home, the PIL probably love it. But it's mad that he can't just carry on as usual while you're on nights.

grandmother here. for years when they were younger and i was still working, we worked my hours around (i owned the business so I know easier said than done for some) I did the morning school run and fed them breakfast first.. I would have done anything for my grandmonsters, I still would. I live in another country now..but go back there 2x a year and stay with them. I do think that my very close relationship with my grandkids is because i never made it a burden to help our daughter. I just did what I could. I have an amazing relationship (mostly by whattsapp now lol..but my granddaughter sends me stupid tic-toks daily and my grandson texts me daily.. can hardly wait for a week in canada in march. yes it will be cold but I will just chill with them. They are teens and no longer need gramma to babysit , but they love a movie on the couch with me. Being a grandmother is amazing

It sounds like a good arrangement OP if everyone is on board with it.

Having grown up with my parent working shifts for my whole childhood, my experience was that it's miserable being constantly expected to keep noise down because dad is sleeping, don't flush the toilet because it's next to where dad is in bed, no toast in case it sets the smoke alarm off, no friends over because they might forget to be quiet, no playing music, ..... etc
This sounds like what one of my childhood friends used to say. In very unmumsnetty fashion lots of us would play out a lot or play round each others' houses with some reciprocal childcare in place between families.

I remember thinking it was really weird that friend didn't even want to call in and get a drink when we were close to their house (with us waiting outside) because they knew they'd be nagged and told off for the kids being in the street. They spent a lot of their school holiday day times at friends' houses.

Now I look back and think it's so sad that their parents essentially kicked them out to bounce around other people's houses all day.

He needs to actually have a proper conversation

What would suit one set of GPs won't suit another

I think in this situation the only people who can tell you the accurate answer is the grandparents.
You need to sit down with them and have a honest conversation with them and listen to their thoughts.
Some would find it too much, others wouldn't mind.

It's a similar situation for us and we really love it and look forward to half terms! One GS aged 12 and GD aged six. Two older GD living abroad but now visit independently . We're nearly 80 and I'm quite disabled but GC are the light of our lives. GC grow up fast and the dynamic changes but foundations are laid and are important . Communication with DS and partner so important and really miss DDIL when unable to come through work as she's lovely. DS can wfh from ours while we can play.
If everyone is happy all is well but keep communication open as life can change in a heartbeat x

I'd love it, though for that amount of time I'd prefer just having the kids! I find it more freeing, as when the parents are here I find myself having to second guess how they want me to respond to the kids asking for things, or their behaviour etc. I'm neither super-indulgent or super strict, but things run much more smoothly if I don't have to run everything past the parents first, or worry whether I'm saying or doing what they would (not that they've ever criticised me!)

So yes, as long as they don't feel that they can't go away/see friends/whatever might clash with the dates your DH wants to go, I'd let it happen.

I would sit down with them and ask. If you tell them how much you appreciate their help but are very worried that you are asking too much. Maybe suggest a shorter time. Arriving later, leaving earlier or cutting down days. I would also tell them that at any time it is too much they are to tell you.

I am much older and I would be fine with it but I know that DH finds it hard going when they stay.

My son brought his son over for three days at half term to see me and DH - it was lovely! I got to see my son on his own, and there was room in the car for us all to go out rather than having to take two cars. I’m sure your PIL, especially your MIL, is very happy with this arrangement - I get on extremely well with my DIL and it’s lovely when they all come, but sometimes it’s nice to have my son and grandson on their own. I would assume that if it’s a problem, they would say something, but if you’re worried, just ask them outright.

I think you would need to try and get the honest opinion of your PILs. Some grandparents would absolutely love this situation and others would find it too exhausting. Depends largely on the PILs but also depends on how much parenting your DH does when he’s there. My husband would probably kick back and let my MIL take on the role of primary carer if he was in this situation.

So they get their grandkids to come and stay for a couple of days three times a year, but they also get a parent coming with the kids to do the actual hard work. Sounds like a lovely arrangement. The only way to know if it’s too much is to ask them. My parents did far far more for me when my kids were small. All because they wanted to.