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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really hurt

54 replies

Takenobull · 16/02/2024 23:20

My cousin is getting married and initially told us (family) that they were having a very small ceremony to keep costs down with only 10 guests of immediate family and best friends.
A week or so after the ceremony they are going to have a party to which we are all invited to.

I was disappointed to not be going to the ceremony as I would have absolutely loved to have seen my cousin getting married to her fiancé who is already a big part of the family. They have been together years. However, I accepted that was how it was going to be and genuinely wished them well and looked forward to the party.

We are a pretty close family and often have family BBQ’s, have spent numerous NYE‘S together, birthdays etc. They were all invited to my own wedding a few years back.

Talk of their wedding has been going on for around 3 years now as they have struggled with what to do. In an ideal world they wanted to get married abroad which we were all very excited for but, due to my cousins father being quite elderly now it isn’t an option. We’ve all been bouncing ideas around whenever we’ve been together and at one point I offered our garden to have it in. Due to all of these discussions I had assumed we would be invited to the whole thing before I knew it was going to be kept very intimate.

Fast forward to around a month ago and my cousins daughter has updated another family member of all the plans and it now transpires that in actual fact the ceremony is a far bigger affair. There will be around 40-50 people and they’ve booked a hotel for a meal etc afterwards. There are now bridesmaids, a full wedding dress, hen do everything!! Lovely. BUT- We are not invited. I feel incredibly hurt.

I have grown up very close to my cousin. My dad has done so much over the years for her and we have spent a lot of time together over the years so, I’m so baffled as to why we wouldn’t be invited. And gutted as I never saw it coming.

I think it’s more the fact that it all feels a bit cloak and dagger with us being told it’s one thing when actually it’s very much another now.

I obviously won’t say anything but just wanted to see if anyone else thinks my thoughts are valid or if I’m being silly?

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 16/02/2024 23:39

Yes I can see why you're hurt. Is there any way of talking to her about it..?

RuinsLover · 17/02/2024 00:15

‘When people show you who they are, just believe them’, is that the quote?

I’m sure you’ll get comments along the lines of you shouldn’t expect an invitation, it’s not all about you, they can invite who they like, blah blah blah. I’m not one of those people though. I’d give the whole relationship you have with them a lot of thought.

Maddy70 · 17/02/2024 00:29

I can see how you're hurt but a wedding of 40 people is actually only 10 from each side plus a partner. By the time yiu have had parents grandparents best friends and siblings thats it!

Ella31 · 17/02/2024 00:53

Maddy70 · 17/02/2024 00:29

I can see how you're hurt but a wedding of 40 people is actually only 10 from each side plus a partner. By the time yiu have had parents grandparents best friends and siblings thats it!

I agree with this - it's very little people, mothers, fathers, siblings and their partners, bridesmaids, and partners, best friends and partners on both sides. That easily adds up to 40. Also why shouldn't she have bridesmaids, dress, hen ect....even if you aren't invited. I know it's hard to accept but you have to. It's not personal. It's the wedding they want.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2024 01:01

40 people is nothing. Siblings, their spouses and kids, parents, grandparents, close friends and their partner and kids, etc. They add up fast. Several of my cousins have had weddings like this and I, a long with other cousins, weren't invited. I really don't see the big deal.

Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 07:49

I suppose I could but, I really don’t want to be that person. I know just how stressful weddings are and I would hate to make her feel bad.

I genuinely don’t think there’s any malice in it- I guess I just see them as a lot closer as maybe they see us which i’m sad about.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/02/2024 07:57

I would be happy for them would wish them well and hope they have a great time, we could catch up another time

Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:05

SheepAndSword · 16/02/2024 23:39

Yes I can see why you're hurt. Is there any way of talking to her about it..?

@SheepAndSword
I suppose I could but, I really don’t want to be that person. I know just how stressful weddings are and I would hate to make her feel bad.

I genuinely don’t think there’s any malice in it- I guess I just see them as a lot closer as maybe they see us which i’m sad about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:07

RuinsLover · 17/02/2024 00:15

‘When people show you who they are, just believe them’, is that the quote?

I’m sure you’ll get comments along the lines of you shouldn’t expect an invitation, it’s not all about you, they can invite who they like, blah blah blah. I’m not one of those people though. I’d give the whole relationship you have with them a lot of thought.

Thankyou. This is exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:15

Maddy70 · 17/02/2024 00:29

I can see how you're hurt but a wedding of 40 people is actually only 10 from each side plus a partner. By the time yiu have had parents grandparents best friends and siblings thats it!

The thing is the original wedding consisted of the brides daughter, sister, BIL, Nephew, Father and step mother. Her fiancé has no family so was inviting his 4 best friends who are family to him.

Us-the brides extended family consist of 2 cousins and 2 uncles- that’s it. We’re a small family and although we’re cousins we’ve been brought up VERY close. I see this particular cousin like a sister and I thought it was the same the other way around.

I guess I’m now just questioning our entire relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:20

Aquamarine1029 · 17/02/2024 01:01

40 people is nothing. Siblings, their spouses and kids, parents, grandparents, close friends and their partner and kids, etc. They add up fast. Several of my cousins have had weddings like this and I, a long with other cousins, weren't invited. I really don't see the big deal.

That’s just it- we don’t have any of that. Grandparents have all passed. Her mum (my aunt) passed 10 years ago. Fiancé has no family whatsoever so was only having is 4 best friends at the original intimate wedding.

We’re a very small but very close family who do lots together. I guess I’m just questioning it all now.

OP posts:
Wictc · 17/02/2024 08:22

Are the two cousins and two uncles all single? If not that’s nearly 1/4 of the wedding party taken up. It’s a very small wedding, most people have partners so when you think about it it’s only 10 friends each (plus their partners).

RatatouillePie · 17/02/2024 08:25

YABU.

It's just a wedding.

And 40 people is tiny so certainly wouldn't extend to cousins once you've invited close family and best friends!

Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:33

Ella31 · 17/02/2024 00:53

I agree with this - it's very little people, mothers, fathers, siblings and their partners, bridesmaids, and partners, best friends and partners on both sides. That easily adds up to 40. Also why shouldn't she have bridesmaids, dress, hen ect....even if you aren't invited. I know it's hard to accept but you have to. It's not personal. It's the wedding they want.

Show quote history

Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was saying she shouldn’t have all that at all- it’s just so far from the original plan they had told us.

They had said there would be none of the usual. It would purely be a registry office ceremony. My cousin was planning on wearing trousers etc. They specifically said as low key as possible. I actually encouraged her to still wear a dress and have her daughter and sister as bridesmaids.

I guess I just can’t help but feel a little like the wool has been pulled over our eyes. I think that’s why I’m hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:35

RatatouillePie · 17/02/2024 08:25

YABU.

It's just a wedding.

And 40 people is tiny so certainly wouldn't extend to cousins once you've invited close family and best friends!

I appreciate in most families- cousins are often not invited but, I see them as sisters. We are very close.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:42

Wictc · 17/02/2024 08:22

Are the two cousins and two uncles all single? If not that’s nearly 1/4 of the wedding party taken up. It’s a very small wedding, most people have partners so when you think about it it’s only 10 friends each (plus their partners).

All single except myself.

Her fiancé has no family so his best friends were already included in the original intimate ceremony

OP posts:
Ginandjuice57884 · 17/02/2024 08:45

Probably didn't tell you because you might read something into it and make it about you.

Feb123 · 17/02/2024 08:45

I think you should ask your cousin about it. I think if you don’t , the relationship will suffer anyway. Give her the option to explain this to you and then see how you feel. But im with the first poster here. I’d be rethinking the relationship because it’s very hurtful.

there is a chance that the 40 people are close friends/family and it might make sense once you’ve asked about it. So asking and airing the subject is going to be important for your ongoing relationship.

JussathoB · 17/02/2024 08:47

The only thing I can suggest is to try and get together with your cousin for some 1-1 time - go for a walk and lunch or coffee and something else you enjoy, and chat about things. Show your affection for your cousin and your interest in the plans and she might open up more.

Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:50

RatatouillePie · 17/02/2024 08:25

YABU.

It's just a wedding.

And 40 people is tiny so certainly wouldn't extend to cousins once you've invited close family and best friends!

Personally I believe weddings are more than “just a wedding”.

Its sacred

OP posts:
Wictc · 17/02/2024 08:51

But if she has 10 people plus partners to invite and she’s invited her daughter, her sister and partner, that only gives her 7 people (plus partners if they have them) to invite. That’s barely anything!!

RatatouillePie · 17/02/2024 09:06

Takenobull · 17/02/2024 08:50

Personally I believe weddings are more than “just a wedding”.

Its sacred

Show quote history

So speak to your cousin and tell her how hurt you are.

aandrelax · 17/02/2024 09:08

Of course your feelings are valid. You are bound to feel a bit upset.
Maybe you could spend a little bit of time before the wedding with her? Help her get ready and have a few photos? That is a very sacred part of the day and she may love you to be a part of it.

Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 09:09

Feb123 · 17/02/2024 08:45

I think you should ask your cousin about it. I think if you don’t , the relationship will suffer anyway. Give her the option to explain this to you and then see how you feel. But im with the first poster here. I’d be rethinking the relationship because it’s very hurtful.

there is a chance that the 40 people are close friends/family and it might make sense once you’ve asked about it. So asking and airing the subject is going to be important for your ongoing relationship.

Thankyou yes I think you’re right. I’m already thinking of swerving the party so it’s definitely having an effect.

I know for sure it’s friends as there are no other family on either side.

I guess I just thought we were friends and family as we socialise a lot, spend birthdays, New years etc together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Takenobull · 17/02/2024 09:10

RatatouillePie · 17/02/2024 09:06

So speak to your cousin and tell her how hurt you are.

Show quote history

Yes simple on paper but I equally don’t want to make her feel bad. Weddings are funny things on all sides.

OP posts: