To feel really hurt

[Takenobull]

My cousin is getting married and initially told us (family) that they were having a very small ceremony to keep costs down with only 10 guests of immediate family and best friends.
A week or so after the ceremony they are going to have a party to which we are all invited to.

I was disappointed to not be going to the ceremony as I would have absolutely loved to have seen my cousin getting married to her fiancé who is already a big part of the family. They have been together years. However, I accepted that was how it was going to be and genuinely wished them well and looked forward to the party.

We are a pretty close family and often have family BBQ’s, have spent numerous NYE‘S together, birthdays etc. They were all invited to my own wedding a few years back.

Talk of their wedding has been going on for around 3 years now as they have struggled with what to do. In an ideal world they wanted to get married abroad which we were all very excited for but, due to my cousins father being quite elderly now it isn’t an option. We’ve all been bouncing ideas around whenever we’ve been together and at one point I offered our garden to have it in. Due to all of these discussions I had assumed we would be invited to the whole thing before I knew it was going to be kept very intimate.

Fast forward to around a month ago and my cousins daughter has updated another family member of all the plans and it now transpires that in actual fact the ceremony is a far bigger affair. There will be around 40-50 people and they’ve booked a hotel for a meal etc afterwards. There are now bridesmaids, a full wedding dress, hen do everything!! Lovely. BUT- We are not invited. I feel incredibly hurt.

I have grown up very close to my cousin. My dad has done so much over the years for her and we have spent a lot of time together over the years so, I’m so baffled as to why we wouldn’t be invited. And gutted as I never saw it coming.

I think it’s more the fact that it all feels a bit cloak and dagger with us being told it’s one thing when actually it’s very much another now.

I obviously won’t say anything but just wanted to see if anyone else thinks my thoughts are valid or if I’m being silly?

40 people isn't a tiny wedding, and excluding you is, on the surface, a shitty thing to do. I think you have to ask her why she hasn't invited you because it's going to be the elephant in the room every time you see her. Sadly though, I think your relationship with her will never be quite the same. It's definitely her and not you.

Thankyou. I really am questioning it all. I’d never have dreamt not having her at my wedding.

Thankyou so much for this. This is exactly how I feel and I think why I feel so sad as even if I speak with her; what is done, is done.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt OP. This is very strange, given you are such a small family. It wouldn't take much to just add on you and your DH and the other cousin. And you've been talking about it for years - and you even offers your garden for her wedding! Could she have been more thoughtless?

I expect they started out meaning to have fewer guests and less fuss and it's all gradually snowballed.
I agree you need to spend some time with her to allow her the chance to explain.
Don't let this ruin your close relationship.

Really strange. I would have to mention it. No surprise at all you’re hurt-I would be too.

Her wedding - her choice. This does not mean that you are not entitled to feel incredibly upset by it. In your position I would feel the same. Brides can sometimes forget that their loved ones have feelings too, and that their actions can change relationships going forward.

i would just ask her if what you have been told is true and go from there. Good luck ☹️

In which case this is very cruel. I would also take a step back from the relationship. What a shame - people do odd things. Family (especially small) should be appreciated in my view.

Yes I’m sure this is what’s happened. I totally get it. I’ve been there.
I imagine she’s just thought that we won’t mind as generally we’re all quite easy going as a family.

Yanbu to be hurt. I would be hurt, too. Do you have plans to see her any time soon? It's going to be a bit odd if she doesn't mention anything about it at all? Can't you say oh I've heard you've booked xyz for the wedding. She'll have to tell you her plans then. I'm very close to my cousins and went to their weddings, I was bridesmaid for one cousin. So they are families out there who are close to their cousins, and I completely understand your hurt.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt if you're really close, I would be too. I wouldn't go all out asking her why you aren't invited but I would definitely say you've heard she's booked x y z and whilst you know you're not invited, would she like you to help on the morning etc. You can still go to the registry office and see her go in and come out though can't you?

Why would she want to do that unless she is a doormat.

I'm fairly sure this was posted recently.

It is her wedding and her choice. You have a different idea of what your relationship is than she does. She may have a wider circle or other people she feels closer to. If you have a smaller friendship group then you may feel closer to her than she does to you.

The wedding is still comparatively small and not an invite everyone I know wedding. Whilst she may be in your "top 40" guest list it doesn't mean she doesn't like you if you don't feature in her top 40. Just that she has a wider group or people who she feels closer to.

Is she someone you could talk to about something like this is would she go on the defensive?

Oh god don't do this! You'll look like a right wet blanket who's desperate to be involved. You'll make yourself look silly

I'm sorry your feeling hurt. I would be too in that situation.

The only way you can find out why you're not invited is to ask her. Even then, you might not find out the real reason.

Do you maybe feel closer to her than she does to you?

Either way, it's a shit situation to be in 😢

Funnily enough we have my daughters christening which they are invited to!!

I suppose if she mentions nothing at all; I’ll know for sure!

This is what I keep thinking and going over in my mind but I don’t think that is the case. They’ve always been the ones to invite us to NYE celebrations etc.

I really do think it’s more the fact that as a family we’re all pretty laid back and easy going so she maybe think that we just won’t mind.

I don’t think she’d be defensive but I think she would feel really bad which I obviously don’t want to do to her.

Course you are hurt

You have been publicly told you are not amongst their favourite 40 people. When you thought you were as close as sisters.

I'd wait for her to bring it up. Her having constantly discussed her wedding with you over the years is tactless if she never intended to invite you if she could.

Maybe they don’t see it as “sacred” - maybe they see it as a way of legally formalising their long relationship. Especially with the groom having no legally-recognised family. People marry for various reasons. Some just want a party/nice lunch and that’s ok too.

Im not trying to diminish your feelings because they are what they are and you’re entitled to then. Fwiw unless their budget is very low I think that adding you, DH, and the other single cousin wouldn’t be a big deal, after they’ve accounted for immediate family and close friends. If you talk to her (and tbh I’m not sure you should) perhaps avoid using emotive language.

No sense in bring drama on yourself by trying to talk the cousin into making it a bigger family affair. Just take a step back from your involvement with the cousin as you would with anyone who you feel has excluded you and not been entirely honest with you. That is the consequence of this rather than bringing down potential trouble on you.

Good advice.

”So cousin - what is the reason I’m not invited to your wedding?”