Page 9 | Terrified i'm dying!!!!

Lostmymind11 · 2024-02-16T16:37:56+00:00

Sorry if this is on the wrong thread but i'm not sure where to put it Nearly 2yrs ago i had surgery to remove a sarcoma (no treatment afterwards as not needed). My 6 month scan was clear and i had another scan 4wks ago to check if it had come back. The hospital have rang today and told me they had booked me in next Friday to see a member of the surgery team. I am abaolutely terrified and beside myself with worry. I am a single parent to a very young child who has no contact with dad due to domestic abuse. I barely have any family/friend support. If the cancer is back i really don't know what i will do. I feel physically ill

bubbletubble · 24/02/2024 12:47

5YearsLeft · 24/02/2024 02:40

@Lostmymind11 , I will not pretend that life is fair. And I will not give a big pep talk about being a fighter because the truth is, I don’t believe in that. The cancer is in your body and I don’t think you should fight your body - your body needs all the love you can give it right now. Think of hope as a tiny seed that has to be fed and watered by doing things you enjoy, things you’ve put off because you were too busy, things you want to do with your child, things you want to do for yourself. If the worst news does come, handle it then. Do NOT give up these days to the fear of days that either will come, and then you’ll have wasted your best days in fear of them, or hopefully will never come, and you’ll have still wasted days that are priceless in fear of them. I know, I KNOW, it’s impossible not to be afraid sometimes. I’m still afraid. Especially at night. When it’s dark. And quiet. And the fear seems bigger, and the hope seems smaller.

But you just treat your fear like you would want someone to treat you - tell it that you can’t guarantee it will all be ok, but you’re going to aim for it to be the best it can be. Give it a blanket and a warm cup of tea. Give YOU a blanket and a warm cup of tea. Buy one of those world’s softest blankets online and don’t feel badly about it. Have a special tea just for you and your little one. Find rituals that will give you peace.

Because you can’t fight a storm. But you can stand in the middle of it and have peace. And I know how hard that is, believe me, as I’ve been trying and learning and failing and getting angry and trying again for two years now and I’ve probably still got a year to go before the end. You just keep trying. I really, really hope your scans aren’t too difficult and the news isn’t too bad. Get yourself a treat afterwards, whatever that looks like for you. In fact, have a treat every day and know that today, whatever day today is, you were braver than a lot of people have to be. Very, very best of luck.

This post brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for sharing such beautiful words. Sending lots of love to you and the OP xxx

Pinksuede98 · 24/02/2024 12:47

So sorry to read your update OP. Thinking of you and your little one and sending you a hug and lots of strength x

Shityshitybangbang · 24/02/2024 13:00

5YearsLeft · Today 02:40
your post made me cry, such lovely words. Every word is true. I’m going through it all too and will look at your post when I’m feeling afraid or down xx

5YearsLeft · 24/02/2024 14:26

Lostmymind11 · 24/02/2024 07:17

Morning everyone, i am shattered after a horrible night but my little one is up and wanting to play. Coffee time for me then i'll grab a shower and plaster a smile on my face because what else can i do. Inside my heart is breaking

OP, I just wanted to say, this is so normal. And PLEASE, don’t ever feel like a failure for having bad days or not being able to “fake it.” I understand the impulse to want everything to be as normal and as happy as possible for your child, but you’ve just been hit with life-altering news, you’re grieving the normality you’ve currently lost (even when situations turn out with restored health, as I’m sure you already know it can still be so tough to lose that normality to the disease during treatment! Much less to the fear that things won’t turn out all right). Yes, you’re a mum, but you’re only human. If you tear up, if you get too sad, you can just explain to your child in age-appropriate language that sometimes mums get sad, too. You are dealing with a very unfair situation, and the news is very fresh, and you can’t stay in bed and cry it out for three days because you’re a mum, and you seem like such a caring one (also, your child might jump on you in the bed ). As for what else you can do? You just do the best you can. No one has a right to ask for anything more.

And @Shityshitybangbang I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. The upheaval to our spirits can be just as hard as the upheaval to our bodies. Take care of yourself.

RatatouillePie · 24/02/2024 14:38

Lostmymind11 · 24/02/2024 03:27

I wish i had never gone to the appointment today. I would be none the wiser and could have happily carried on living my life until the inevitable happened. I had so many plans this year for me and my child and now i doubt we will get to do any of them. I don't know how to carry on living with this hanging over me

Really sorry to hear you got bad news about the cancer returning.

It might all seem doom and gloom and scary at the moment, but there is always light and hope. What's important is the here and now, enjoying every moment and making memories.

Plans can still happen, they might just need to be adjusted a little. Take photos, videos, make a scrap book of you and your child having fun and laughing, then hopefully you can look back through it together in years to come.

A friend of mine has two young children and has had a tough breast cancer battle. She found keeping an Instagram blog of her feelings really helpful. She also found lots of online support groups where she was able to discuss her symptoms and talk through options with people.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 24/02/2024 14:59

@Shityshitybangbang thinking of you too, I’m sorry life is this way.

Babyroobs · 24/02/2024 15:09

Op, Macmillan have people you can talk to if you need someone and also online forums. So sorry to read what you are going through.

itsarealhumdinger · 24/02/2024 15:29

I am sorry. I appreciate you might be quickly overwhelmed with information, but I’d really recommend Eat To Beat Disease by William Li and learning about the benefits of fasting before chemo, and in general - there is evidence it helps your body to kick into defence mode, and has reduced the doses of chemo drugs needed. I think the Feel Better Live More podcast did something on this a while back. I wish you and your DC well.

stayathomegardener · 24/02/2024 16:51

This is the route we are taking for my DH with cancer.

Jane McElland how to starve cancer book and online course. Approximately £150.

Care Oncology on Harley Street work both conventionally and holistically prescribing off purpose drug treatments. They are not extortionately expensive.

My DH is also having intravenous vitamin c at high doses and hyperbaric oxygen treatments which can be free to those with cancer via the MS trust I believe.

poetryandwine · 24/02/2024 17:07

HesterRoon · 24/02/2024 08:16

I’m just a stranger on the internet but have read your very moving thread and wish to say please don’t give up hope. Chemo is really good these days and non surgical treatment can keep you going for longer than ever. We’ve got palliative patients who have been going years. All my very best wishes to you and your family. Treat yourself kindly. Buy that blanket. Go for that meal. Lean on your friends.xx

Yes, my elderly DF is an example of a sarcoma patient in this category. He does radiation every few months to keep his tiny lung mets under control and otherwise lives normally.

There is still a lot of room for hope in the OP’s case.

Acapulco12 · 24/02/2024 21:49

5YearsLeft · 24/02/2024 02:40

@Lostmymind11 , I will not pretend that life is fair. And I will not give a big pep talk about being a fighter because the truth is, I don’t believe in that. The cancer is in your body and I don’t think you should fight your body - your body needs all the love you can give it right now. Think of hope as a tiny seed that has to be fed and watered by doing things you enjoy, things you’ve put off because you were too busy, things you want to do with your child, things you want to do for yourself. If the worst news does come, handle it then. Do NOT give up these days to the fear of days that either will come, and then you’ll have wasted your best days in fear of them, or hopefully will never come, and you’ll have still wasted days that are priceless in fear of them. I know, I KNOW, it’s impossible not to be afraid sometimes. I’m still afraid. Especially at night. When it’s dark. And quiet. And the fear seems bigger, and the hope seems smaller.

But you just treat your fear like you would want someone to treat you - tell it that you can’t guarantee it will all be ok, but you’re going to aim for it to be the best it can be. Give it a blanket and a warm cup of tea. Give YOU a blanket and a warm cup of tea. Buy one of those world’s softest blankets online and don’t feel badly about it. Have a special tea just for you and your little one. Find rituals that will give you peace.

Because you can’t fight a storm. But you can stand in the middle of it and have peace. And I know how hard that is, believe me, as I’ve been trying and learning and failing and getting angry and trying again for two years now and I’ve probably still got a year to go before the end. You just keep trying. I really, really hope your scans aren’t too difficult and the news isn’t too bad. Get yourself a treat afterwards, whatever that looks like for you. In fact, have a treat every day and know that today, whatever day today is, you were braver than a lot of people have to be. Very, very best of luck.

What a gorgeous post ❤️🌺

48wheaties · 25/02/2024 10:54

You nailed it @5YearsLeft. All the very best to you also 🙏💕

Strugglebus · 28/02/2024 21:43

Hope you’re getting on okay OP x

poetryandwine · 28/02/2024 22:13

Yes, thinking of you OP

Tilllly · 29/02/2024 02:45

How are you doing @Lostmymind11 ?
Have you had the MRI / PET scans?

Original poster

Lostmymind11 · 29/02/2024 07:10

@Tilllly i am not good at all. Got signed off work because i just can't cope. Got my PET scan Tuesday and MRI next Thursday

OP posts:

Tilllly · 29/02/2024 07:17

This will be better when you've got your scan results and you know exactly where you are

Glad you're off sick if that's better for you - are work supportive?

Acapulco12 · 29/02/2024 09:36

Lostmymind11 · 29/02/2024 07:10

@Tilllly i am not good at all. Got signed off work because i just can't cope. Got my PET scan Tuesday and MRI next Thursday

I’m so sorry to hear this, OP 🌺 are your friends and family able to support you? Thinking of you.

poetryandwine · 29/02/2024 13:11

I am so sorry, OP. This state of uncertainty is hell. I hope you will have a plan soon, and some relatively good news. Vent here all you like. Hugs.

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 29/02/2024 14:36

@Lostmymind11

Im so sorry, I am holding you in my thoughts.

SoSo99 · 29/02/2024 16:55

Sending massive hugs at this difficult time

takemeawayagain · 29/02/2024 17:41

Take loads of pictures OP. Make scrap books, photo albums, books full of pictures your lo draws and paints. Whatever the future holds they will be wonderful for your little one to look back upon and good for keeping you busy and distracted at an incredibly stressful time.

I would hope that work would be incredibly understanding and supportive and hopefully you will soon know exactly what your options are. Be extremely kind and gentle with yourself and get all the love and support around you that you can.

Tilllly · 29/02/2024 18:20

takemeawayagain · 29/02/2024 17:41

Take loads of pictures OP. Make scrap books, photo albums, books full of pictures your lo draws and paints. Whatever the future holds they will be wonderful for your little one to look back upon and good for keeping you busy and distracted at an incredibly stressful time.

I would hope that work would be incredibly understanding and supportive and hopefully you will soon know exactly what your options are. Be extremely kind and gentle with yourself and get all the love and support around you that you can.

Perfect

💕💕💕💕

DollyPartonsLeftTit · 01/03/2024 00:31

Thinking of you @Lostmymind11 💜

STST · 04/03/2024 11:29

Thinking of you too @Lostmymind11. Best of luck tomorrow and Thursday; will be handholding virtually. Wishing you the very best of luck