To think MIL is being ridiculous

[Emeraldrings]

I have 3 DCs. Eldest is 17 she is doing an apprenticeship in childcare and also has local boyfriend and close friends so we don't see a lot of her.
MIL comes round twice a week for tea and keeps moaning because DD1 isn't here and she never sees her now and why don't I (not DH) make her stay home when she's coming round?
She is usually here one evening when MIL is and she will pop in after work (but refuses now because MIL still nags about her not being here when she is).
It's bloody ridiculous. She has two other GC who are here. She barely acknowledges our 3 year old (I'm sure it's because she doesn't like having a GC who is "so slow " her words but only said once in my hearing) and she does talk to 15 year old but she's not very sociable and is probably sick of being asked where her sister is.
MIL and DD did have quite a good relationship but MIL doesn't seem to realise she's growing up. In a few months she'll be 17 and could potentially move out
My own mum sees DD less than MIL but understands she has her own life.
Is MIL being ridiculous here, especially given DD is usually here one night when she is? Surely grandparents don't expect their older teenage grandchildren to arrange their social life around them? I've, gently, told MIL, she's going to ruin her relationship with DD but nothing changes.
I'm surely not being unreasonable to not insist DD stays home both nights when MIL is visiting.
So I guess I'm asking who's being unreasonable and if its MIL what should I say to her.

She is being ridiculous. I spend as much time as I can with my grandchildren now because I know in a few years I'll just be an afterthought to them.
But, then when they're older and I'm not here they will remember me with fondness, as I do my grandparents.

MIL is being ridiculous but good luck with getting that through to her!

She's being quite OTT - perhaps your DH could have a word if she's not listening to you? You're right, she'll push her away. You can't make her stay especially when it sounds like she's so busy!

Your MIL is being ridiculous and needs to adjust her expectations.

However I think at 17 your DD is old enough to manage her own relationship with her grandmother.

I'd tell my DD that I support her. She isn't beholden to her grandmother's summons and you won't be pressuring her to stay home.

If MIL tries to recruit you to her cause just say 'DD is almost an adult, I'm staying out of this' and change the subject.

Children grow up and spread their wings. Emotionally mature parents and grandparents may feel bittersweet about this but ultimately are sensible enough to know that this is what should want for your child/grandchild.

You are an absolute saint having this woman for tea twice a week.

Good grief! Your MIL is being preposterous! She should think herself lucky - many inlaws live hours away (mine included) and don’t get to see each other from one 6 month period to the next!! Could you get DH to have a word? 17 year olds have their own lives and don’t want to sit in with the olds being moaned at!!

Most 17 year old I know are the ones popping into their nans, usually to tap them for money, not waiting in for them to visit. We've had to tell my sister straight about hiw her behaviour puts people off ffrom mixing with her further. It goes in circles, they get a bit older and have time for family again.

I think mil is being ott demanding your teen is there for every visit, however I do have a 22 and 20 year old and remind them that their grandparents won’t be around for ever and to make an effort, they try and meet once every 8 weeks for lunch.

Yeah MIL is being a bit silly , your daughter is developing her own independence . Which means she spends less time with those she was dependent on .MIL presumably knows this and is having a hard time adjusting to it , try to help her adjust and keep reminding her she is growing up .

Yeah your MIL sees her teen GC a lot more often than most

She’s doing a good job of making her grandchildren not like her. If she carries on like this they won’t want to see her at all when they’re older, and that will be a valid choice for them to make. They won’t miss someone who nags them like that.
She doesn’t seem to even like her GC, she just wants them to have a duty to see her.
Unless she would listen to you or DH being more blunt, and telling her she’s alienating everyone with her moaning, there’s not much you can do.
However I would not have someone round twice a week for tea if they complain at everyone every time and call my young child slow. She’s incredibly rude.

So your mil wants her granddaughter to say “I’ve got to go home now, granny’s coming to tea” twice a week!

yeah, that’ll work!! 🙄

> She barely acknowledges our 3 year old (I'm sure it's because she doesn't like having a GC who is "so slow " her words but only said once in my hearing)

What on earth does this mean?! I hope I’m misunderstanding it because she sounds awful if not…

All DC grow up and it's not just parents who have to let them fly, it's grandparents too. Your Mil could focus on the 2 DGC she has right in front of her on the day her favourite dgc is not present.

You can't make her.

When I was older 17+ I used to love driving round to my grandparents without my parents. It's such a special bond and always liked being a bit spoilt by them.

As pp said... Just say... She's old enough I can't make her do anything.

I think you are all right and from now on will just refuse to discuss it with MIL. I have always made it totally clear to DD that if she has plans she doesn't need to change/alter them to please MIL.
She has always favoured DD, although she denies this and is obviously annoyed that DD is now choosing to live her own life.
With regards to my youngest he hasn't been diagnosed with anything yet, he's only 3 but he does have significant development delay. I notice MIL rarely even speaks about him and I think she is ashamed even though he's the sweetest little boy ever.
I don't really want her round twice a week but FIL has been dead for several years and DH insists we can't leave her on her own, all the time.

I don't really want her round twice a week but FIL has been dead for several years and DH insists we can't leave her on her own, all the time

He can go to see her on his own then! After all he's one of the only two people she likes.
I'm guessing that he doesn't want to do that because he doesn't want to sit there listening to her moaning about you, your kids and almost everyone else.

I don't really want her round twice a week but FIL has been dead for several years and DH insists we can't leave her on her own, all the time.

Why can't DH go round to hers?

Your Mil has no right to insist that your Dd should stay at home just for her.

This is what teenagers do in preparation for flying the nest, and you obviously understand that it both natural and appropriate behaviour from your Dd.

You could turn the tables and remind your MIL that as she is the adult and it is up to her to reach out to your Dd if she wants more one to one time with her. Any sensible parent or grandparent knows that at this age teenagers are easy to bribe with money. Perhaps your MIL could offer a shopping trip with your Dd?

My mother was like this. We had a family gathering where my Dd hadn’t seen my relatives for ages. All her same age cousins were there and she had a lovely time catching up.

My mother complained a few days later that my Dd hadn’t come up to talk to her after saying hello. We had all been sitting in the garden, my mother was hale and hearty and fully mobile and my DD was only 12 yearly old. I also wondered who was the adult here.

Regarding the longer term issue, I think you need to start stepping back re the hosting. If you can make sure your husband is always at home when MIL visits and cohosts. Then start finding reasons to leave the room and leave your DH with his mum. Baby steps, subtle and gradual until you hardly have to be there. Then she can moan to her son that she never sees her DIL anymore! (That would take the pressure off you and your Dd!)

Even better your Dh takes himself to visit his mum and whichever kids want to go.

His mum, his responsibility.

Yeah, she’s being silly, but each time I’d shut it down with, ‘talk to your son about it.’ Then leave it.

Sorry, you lost me at ‘MIL comes round twice a week for tea’
That in itself is excessive imo. My own mum is widowed but once a week is a max here. Perhaps if DH feels that strongly he could keep her company himself at her home on one of the most evenings!
Re your DD, she is being ridiculous and driving her away with her whining

My mum has lived alone since I left home 24 years ago. She has made a life for herself with friends, church, hobbies and doesn’t rely on us to entertain her. She’s out more than me.

and she doesn’t make comments about not seeing her grandchildren often, she messages them and they do go out for lunch with her every few months. She knows they are growing up and have their own lives too.
maybe your mil should be encouraged to join some clubs and make friends .

Is DH an only child?

My MIL is similar and although she doesn't say anything often, I can tell she's disappointed when DD isn't with us.

On the odd occasion shes said something, I've just said "well she's getting older and you remember what it's like at that age, your social life was more important than family"

I’m not surprised your DD doesn’t want to be around her. She sounds insufferable.