To think MIL is being ridiculous

[Emeraldrings]

I have 3 DCs. Eldest is 17 she is doing an apprenticeship in childcare and also has local boyfriend and close friends so we don't see a lot of her.
MIL comes round twice a week for tea and keeps moaning because DD1 isn't here and she never sees her now and why don't I (not DH) make her stay home when she's coming round?
She is usually here one evening when MIL is and she will pop in after work (but refuses now because MIL still nags about her not being here when she is).
It's bloody ridiculous. She has two other GC who are here. She barely acknowledges our 3 year old (I'm sure it's because she doesn't like having a GC who is "so slow " her words but only said once in my hearing) and she does talk to 15 year old but she's not very sociable and is probably sick of being asked where her sister is.
MIL and DD did have quite a good relationship but MIL doesn't seem to realise she's growing up. In a few months she'll be 17 and could potentially move out
My own mum sees DD less than MIL but understands she has her own life.
Is MIL being ridiculous here, especially given DD is usually here one night when she is? Surely grandparents don't expect their older teenage grandchildren to arrange their social life around them? I've, gently, told MIL, she's going to ruin her relationship with DD but nothing changes.
I'm surely not being unreasonable to not insist DD stays home both nights when MIL is visiting.
So I guess I'm asking who's being unreasonable and if its MIL what should I say to her.

Just make sure she has dd's number and then leave it to MIL to contact her each time to discuss if she will be there. I don't think it is your responsibility.

Does MIL cook? My DC love to eat grandpas cooking. Does MIL know how to use smart phone to text and see and send pictures? I will occasionally remind my young adult children….grandpas coming. They do visit enjoy a dinner and then off to friends home. They always say goodbye to him. Of course he and grandma were attentive when dc young. Encourage DD to spend some time with MIL and shut the rest down. You are not required to herd the family for MIL. If she complains walk away or out of the room. She can sit alone then I guess

Like PP have said, you need to step back from this heavy burden of twice a week of what sounds like an unpleasant chore. She isn't interested in your 'slow' dc (horrible thing to say) or your other dd or you, so what's the point of this tedious ritual? Whittle it down to once a week, let your eldest decide for herself and tell you DH to go and visit by himself weekly. Imagine all the extra time you'll have!

No he has an older brother but he moved about 200 miles away so most of the visiting is down to us.
MIL has DDs number but she prefers to moan at me. DH says it's just because she's lonely but she doesn't help herself at all.
I will just tell her to talk to DH and perhaps I'll ask DD if I can go out with her when MIL visits (only joking, sort of).

I'm not suprised, your dd is probably itching to get away from the woman she has a really high dependency on her and that's not normal or fair on your dd.
As for her being round twice a week, my mil was like this but it was every day for years. Now it's once a week for a hour if that, cut down contact.

Mil is ridiculous she needs to appreciate that at 17 her GD has other things in life and it’s part of growing up

I think YABU for still giving houseroom to this awful woman who called your little boy "slow" and ignores him.

Your DD is already there one evening a week when your MIL visits. Maybe when your MIL complains about her never being there, point out the fact that actually she IS there for half of her visits and she spends those complaining at the poor girl, so she can hardly blame your DD for not wanting to be there more.

Your DD is nearly an adult and has her own life and commitments; I'd say to MIL that if she wants to maintain her relationship with your DD then driving her away by complaining at her when she DOES see her is not the way to do it.

If that's her attitude to your youngest she'd better learn to like her own company!

What will your DH say when your little one is old enough to notice? (and he will)

The next time MIL has a go at DD for not seeing her, DD needs to tell her… “Listen Nan, if every time I see you all you do is complain I don’t see you enough then there is no point me seeing you weekly. I might as well not bother seeing you as regularly, as even now you’re just complaining. I see you a few times a month. That’s a lot. If you can’t enjoy the time we do see each other and want to waste that time complaining you don’t see enough of me I can’t see why I bother seeing you. I’m with you now, let’s catch up if you’re missing me - stop moaning or what’s the point in me seeing you now?… I may as we’ll go out right now!!”

Seeing as your DH thinks his mother is lonely, I would suggest he goes to her house once a week with the 3 year old and MIL can catch up with your other two on the ONE day she visits your house.

I'm glad my own wise, sensible grandmother had a lot more common sense. She fully appreciated that as children are growing up they value their independence and will want to be with their friends. She understood, gave me her blessing and never tried to interfere. Perhaps this is partly the reason that in our new adult relationship she was in my confidence and we stayed close for the remainder of her life.

As for what your MiL said about your three-year-old, no one who referred to my child as 'slow' would be made welcome in my home, let alone with this frequency. This kind of attitude - let alone speaking it aloud - can be incredibly damaging to a child. What happens when he's old enough to understand?

In the circumstances I'd say it was fine to dial back your contact with her. If DH insists on maintaining visits at this frequency, let him do the cooking and entertaining. Likewise, DD is an adult and the onus is on MiL to maintain her own relationship with her granddaughter.

You've put in more than your fair shift with the Wife Work, OP.

I would keep repeating "If you're not enjoying your visits to us don't feel you have to come so often". Shut down any moaning, your DH needs to back you up and encourage positive interactions with all your family members.

I keep reiterating each time she says something

you're pushing your granddaughter away talking like this every visit, its no wonder she isn't here

you can say it gently

My granny helped my parents out a lot with childcare as i grew up. Even as a teen who had the nickname jesus because id go out on the friday not to be seen again until sunday, i still made sure i saw my gran once a week. Its not that big a hardship to stay in for dinner once a week really. I think at 17 you forget that grandparents wont be around forever.
My gran helped me out with my oldest and we were all devastated when she died. My mum now helps with the youngest both for childcare and because she likes seeing her. In 10 years time if my daughter said she would rather be out with friends/boyfriends and couldnt spare 2 hours a week to see her gran id point out how selfish she is being. That being said my mum is a wonderful gran. If your MIL has been an involved and doting gran, its not really a big ask to see her granddaughter once a week.

The children are as they are because they can see how their grandmother is. Mine all live away now but come home just to see their Nanny. They have a great relationship, they genuinely want to see her and sit and have chats with her for hours. They know she loves them and enjoys seeing them. They would never sacrifice seeing her for their friends. They see her whenever they can. You reap what you so. Also, she'd never complain if they came home and didn't visit. She appreciates it when they do.

Its definitely MIl. Not her place to expect anything from grand children but to see everything you do get as a bonus. MiL speaking here with almost 17 year old fantastic grandaughter.

"Oh dear, MIL, if you're only here to see DD then I don't think it's worth you staying for tea, she's out."

OP said she does see her gran once a week but MIL is insisting that 17 year old is present every visit

@ScartlettSole fgs please try to read properly and comprehend - the DD IS seeing the MIL once a week but MIL is complaining she's not there for both visits per week.

Yes thats why im saying once a week is fine. Or, should be fine. Obviously the MIL is quite unreasonable!

Fgs take your own advice 🙄
If you read and comprehend you will clearly see I state once a week is reasonable. If the MIL wants more than that, it is implied thats unreasonable. Not that hard to work out really

@ScartlettSole In 10 years time if my daughter said she would rather be out with friends/boyfriends and couldnt spare 2 hours a week to see her gran id point out how selfish she is being.

Your own words.

@ScartlettSole

its not really a big ask to see her granddaughter once a week

And again.

I’d be going out to see my friends myself when MIL comes around.

Thats just teenagers, they don’t want to be spending time with older people. MIL just forgets.