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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL is being ridiculous

72 replies

Emeraldrings · 16/02/2024 09:12

I have 3 DCs. Eldest is 17 she is doing an apprenticeship in childcare and also has local boyfriend and close friends so we don't see a lot of her.
MIL comes round twice a week for tea and keeps moaning because DD1 isn't here and she never sees her now and why don't I (not DH) make her stay home when she's coming round?
She is usually here one evening when MIL is and she will pop in after work (but refuses now because MIL still nags about her not being here when she is).
It's bloody ridiculous. She has two other GC who are here. She barely acknowledges our 3 year old (I'm sure it's because she doesn't like having a GC who is "so slow " her words but only said once in my hearing) and she does talk to 15 year old but she's not very sociable and is probably sick of being asked where her sister is.
MIL and DD did have quite a good relationship but MIL doesn't seem to realise she's growing up. In a few months she'll be 17 and could potentially move out
My own mum sees DD less than MIL but understands she has her own life.
Is MIL being ridiculous here, especially given DD is usually here one night when she is? Surely grandparents don't expect their older teenage grandchildren to arrange their social life around them? I've, gently, told MIL, she's going to ruin her relationship with DD but nothing changes.
I'm surely not being unreasonable to not insist DD stays home both nights when MIL is visiting.
So I guess I'm asking who's being unreasonable and if its MIL what should I say to her.

OP posts:
ScartlettSole · 17/02/2024 21:12

FasterthanaButteredOtter · 17/02/2024 21:08

@ScartlettSole In 10 years time if my daughter said she would rather be out with friends/boyfriends and couldnt spare 2 hours a week to see her gran id point out how selfish she is being.

Your own words. ConfusedHmm

Once a week, not twice.
2 hours a week not two evenings.

Again, read and comprehend.

CatamaranViper · 17/02/2024 21:15

Ah see the one thing that made me less interested in seeing my grandparents as a teen was always being nagged about not coming round more. It was always "oh did you remember about us?" "Thought you'd forgotten where we lived" "ah are we good enough for you now?" Etc etc

Heathers4evs · 17/02/2024 21:20

Can you go out one of the evenings - your husband can entertain his mother, twice a week sounds very grim.

She probably doesn't expect her son to do anything with his kids, so she can feel useful as she's helping him mind them while you do something appallingly self-centred like visit a friend or go to the supermarket.

TerriPie · 18/02/2024 01:03

Bugger that, twice a week! Twice a year was enough for me.

I would start taking youngest DS out when she comes round and leave DH to sort his Mother.

Middle child can hide in their room and do teenage stuff.

GB81 · 18/02/2024 08:06

Cut her down to once a fortnight and arrange all children to be there. Then she can’t complain and everyone wins.

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2024 09:36

Tell your Dh to take the youngest round to replace one of her visits to you. Time she got to know him properly.

Xmasdaft2023 · 18/02/2024 09:51

This would grind my gears!
my 13yo now has a social life and isn’t expected to be at home when GP visit or be with us each time we visit them GP (once a week), honestly MIL needs to realise that your daughter now has her own life. She just misses her I’m sure!

what I will say is by the time I was driving I visited my GP as and when I pleased and often a couple times a week so I’d just reiterate to MIL for one last time that unless she stops mentioning it your daughter just won’t bother at all but life as is it’ll change because it always does and she’s likely to visit off her own back in the coming years!

i would however encourage daughter to keep up her relationship with her GM whether that’s be home once a fortnight, drop in to see her off her own back or maybe on her lunch break from work (I met mine every Wednesday for lunch when I was in a city job), I think it’s just adjustment of what MIL has been used to for many years :)

RLouiseH · 18/02/2024 10:00

Yep, she is being ridiculous!
Your daughter is 17, absolute prime time for getting out and about and making her own path in life.
And a key thing your MIL doesn’t seem to realise is that, if when she DOES see her, all she does is moan and whinge at her for not being around the other times, that’s only going to push her away and cause resentment.

soundsys · 18/02/2024 10:05

Yep MIL is being ridiculous but not sure what more you can say/do!

DD is at the point she can decide what to do with her time... and she's unlikely to want to spend it with someone who just moans!

LadyBird1973 · 18/02/2024 12:32

Part of your problem is your dh saying that you can't not invite her round, but he's not the one having g to deal with her. I think that has to change. What is his response to his mum's attitude towards your youngest? Because he should be the one to remind her she has small grandchildren at home who would like some attention.

If this was me I'd tell my husband that if he wants his mum there twice a week, he also needs to be there to manage her.
You are right not to make your dd stay home - as pp said, if she's seeing her once a week that's actually pretty good.

Andilew · 18/02/2024 13:09

MIL sounds awful, especially about your youngest. Your DD popping in to see her once a week is plenty, asking her to come twice a week is ridiculous. If your Mil was a fun, loving grandma to all your kids I'm sure DD would want to keep up the relationship without being nagged. Just tell Mil daughter is nearly an adult and she needs to talk to DD herself but if each visit is just nagging then DD will probably stop coming at all. Good luck

Ilovecleaning · 18/02/2024 18:45

Sometimes, people who act like your MIL are just not very bright.

FindingNeverland28 · 19/02/2024 05:27

Tell MIL that if she wants DD to be there every time she comes round then MIL is only going to be coming round once a week from now on.

user1492757084 · 19/02/2024 06:40

Being there once every fortnight would be reasonable.
Your daughter can organise her own socializing with grandparents.
I would also expext that DD is home for her family birthdays and homeenough to study hard and complete homework in preparation for a career.
Suggest that your DD calls in by herself to see MIL every few months. That is cute and telling MIL that DD is her own woman.

crumblingschools · 19/02/2024 06:56

I wouldn’t be letting her in the house if she continued to act like she does round your youngest child, and both your other DC are old enough to see how she treats him.

Onionbelt · 19/02/2024 08:13

You are not being unreasonable. What is it with Grandparents who complain about not seeing their GCs and when they do, say hello, hows school, and spend the rest of thier visit talking only to the adults. Seen and experienced this so often!

Notaregularmummy · 19/02/2024 08:35

I would give MIL the option of not coming over say something like ‘are you popping over for tea tomorrow because GC won’t be here so I understand if you don’t want to come’ then she can’t moan because you’ve given her fair warning.

Whoopaday · 19/02/2024 10:30

You don’t need to get stuck with twice weekly visits.
Actually if she said that about my son and refused to interact with him then she would not set foot in my house again. Mix it up, change the date each week so it’s not a fixed day. Send your DH round. Would your DD like to spend time with her as in suggest she takes DD for a meal out or coffee? Only if she’s decent though to your other kids.

Bur seriously; not your responsibility to entertain her especially with her attitude to your youngest that would be a hard nope

EmeraldA129 · 19/02/2024 12:47

Twice a week every week is a lot… and totally unreasonable for any teenager to be there every time.

Bronguin · 19/02/2024 15:11

"MIL has DDs number but she prefers to moan at me. DH says it's just because she's lonely but she doesn't help herself at all.:

But her loneliness is her responsibility - not DH's, and certainly not yours. It's down to her to make more friends. 💐 to you, OP

OneSpunkySnake · 08/03/2024 14:01

Emeraldrings · 16/02/2024 09:12

I have 3 DCs. Eldest is 17 she is doing an apprenticeship in childcare and also has local boyfriend and close friends so we don't see a lot of her.
MIL comes round twice a week for tea and keeps moaning because DD1 isn't here and she never sees her now and why don't I (not DH) make her stay home when she's coming round?
She is usually here one evening when MIL is and she will pop in after work (but refuses now because MIL still nags about her not being here when she is).
It's bloody ridiculous. She has two other GC who are here. She barely acknowledges our 3 year old (I'm sure it's because she doesn't like having a GC who is "so slow " her words but only said once in my hearing) and she does talk to 15 year old but she's not very sociable and is probably sick of being asked where her sister is.
MIL and DD did have quite a good relationship but MIL doesn't seem to realise she's growing up. In a few months she'll be 17 and could potentially move out
My own mum sees DD less than MIL but understands she has her own life.
Is MIL being ridiculous here, especially given DD is usually here one night when she is? Surely grandparents don't expect their older teenage grandchildren to arrange their social life around them? I've, gently, told MIL, she's going to ruin her relationship with DD but nothing changes.
I'm surely not being unreasonable to not insist DD stays home both nights when MIL is visiting.
So I guess I'm asking who's being unreasonable and if its MIL what should I say to her.

You can tell her its their relationship, you would not want to interfere. She make of her relationship with her grandchild what she wants. Let them communicate directly.

Make her do this make her do that is not on.

Easipeelerie · 08/03/2024 14:05

Your husband insists on you hosting her. He should insist on going round there to keep her company. But I expect it’s easier to have her over so you can do the wife work.
Sorry my reply isn’t to your question but his expectation that you host us to me the most annoying part of all this.

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