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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To still be disappointed in my mom for this?

83 replies

minieggcheesecake · 15/02/2024 23:40

This upset me a lot at the time, and I’ve never really fully forgotten about it, but it happened when I was 14 so over 10 years ago now- obviously I don’t think about it regularly but it popped into my head recently and just wondered if I was being OTT to have never fully forgiven my mom about it all.

my mom lived in a different pert of the country and worked as a long haul cabin crew. She invited me last minute to go on a trip with her- not enough time to get injections etc, it was literally the night before. It was to a really dangerous city (at the time I didn’t even realise it was dangerous - I was just excited to go away on a trip with my mom, the people who I lived with were unhappy with me going though)

the trip itself was fine- it was 4 days and the other cabin crew and pilots were a bit surprised I was there as it wasn’t a typical trip to bring someone on. We couldn’t go outside the hotel complex and had an armed guard on our coach from the airport to the resort. My mom actually took me for a walk outside the resort and we were quickly taken back by the local police as it was too unsafe. Anyway, I still had a lot of fun at the pool at the resort.

when it came to going home, I had to go through the airport myself as my mom and her crew had their own staff security etc. I’m not fully sure of the details but I think I was on a staff travel/standby ticket. I remember sitting at the gate myself and they wouldn’t let me on but wouldn’t explain why. It turned out that the flight was full and I didn’t have a seat. I was getting really upset - i asked the staff to get my mom but they wouldn’t, they just kept telling me to sit down. Eventually my mom and the captain came down the airbridge thing and were chatting to the people at the gate. I was terrified as I thought I was going to be left myself and my mom was SO chilled about it. I remember she was like she’ll be fine here, she can get the next flight (2 days away) the captain was flabbergasted and said something like ‘that’s your 14 year old daughter you’re talking about’ and my mom just shrugged and said she’ll be fine she’s grown up for her age. I remember feeling so disappointed and let down and like I couldn’t even trust my own mom because she wasn’t helping me. I was crying and she told me to stop being such a baby

i honestly don’t know what she thought I’d do. Stay in the airport maybe for 2 days? No idea

the captain was NOT going to leave me, a child, in this third world country with nowhere to stay, no adult, no money. He made some calls (crewing I think?) and it caused a lot of drama because they had to bump off someone else so I could get their seat, and I believe they had to pay them or reward them in some way. I think that’s what my mom was scared of happening in case she got in trouble for it so that’s why she was happier just to leave me

my mom still talks, even after all these years, about how it was the best trip ever and she was such a cool mom and more like a cool big sister. AIBU to have felt so disappointed she would have happily just left me behind? Am I being ridiculous or is that utterly crazy considering I was only 14 years old?

OP posts:
minieggcheesecake · 15/02/2024 23:41

I know that’s a really long drawn out boring post, apologies, and obviously I know it sounds a bit dramatic to still be hurt by it all these years later, but I honestly feel like something changed in the way I saw my mom that day and I never really got over it

OP posts:
PoliteTurtle · 15/02/2024 23:43

I would be very traumatised by that whole experience! This doesn’t sound like a one time scenario by the way she talks about her self either…
Sorry she did that to you 😥

JMSA · 15/02/2024 23:44

Good God, she was away with the fairies! Confused

JMSA · 15/02/2024 23:44

Sorry that happened btw, and YANBU.

Musntapplecrumble · 15/02/2024 23:46

Wow babe perhaps a little chat with her about what really went down..."recollections may vary!" 😳

wallowinginmywellies · 15/02/2024 23:48

You lost your trust in her.

I suspect that she would not have left you behind and was pretending to, as she couldn't act herself, and thought the captain would if he knew the situation

in reality, these cabin crew tickets are always unreliable, and anywhere she took you, the same thing could have happened

Swipernoswipingg · 15/02/2024 23:49

What a truly bizarre thing your mum did. At every level it sounds bizarre and neglectful. I would’ve been calling social services (cps) when you guys got home.

Sometimes parents/people use laughter as a way to smooth over the sheer lunacy of their decisions to ease their guilt. You are perfectly valid in feeling the way you did. In fact, it sounds like the captain was so horrified that he bumped someone off. Your feelings are valid and you’re owed an apology. Don’t think you’ll get one after all these years though

Emerald4512 · 15/02/2024 23:49

She sounds like a nutter!

padsi1975 · 15/02/2024 23:49

Awful! I'd hate that situation as an adult!

Guavafish1 · 15/02/2024 23:50

Not a nice experience.

Have you told your mum how unhappy you were about the return airport experience.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/02/2024 23:51

That sounds traumatising OP. Things that happen relating to your Mum/ parents that make you feel lost/ abandoned can stay with you for a very long time.
If you feel it would help, could you raise it with her when you are both in a good mood. Like, 'what happened there Mum? I still remember it now'. I guess it was her workplace but how did you not have a booked seat? It might make you see it with a bit more clarity, or not when she tries to explain it, but at least you tried.

If it would help, maybe you could look into counselling to talk about your past etc?

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 15/02/2024 23:51

I’m really sorry, that was upsetting to read and must have been really traumatising to live through.

you mention the people you lived with, so i’m guessing your mum was always at best a bit flaky and not your main care giver? I can see it is easier for her to constantly rewrite it as “i’m such a free spirit who had adventures with my daughter” rather than face up to “i’m an irresponsible parent who put my own daughter in danger and betrayed her trust”, but that doesn’t mean you have to buy into it.

it is up to you how you process this going forward - you have choices from NC to confrontation to forgiveness, but i think it would definitely be best discussed with a professional counsellor of some sort to tease out your feelings on it.

padsi1975 · 15/02/2024 23:51

I think I'd have to challenge her....so she'd stop bloody taking credit for it!

PhoenixStarbeamer · 15/02/2024 23:53

I was ready to say grow up before reading that. I'd never speak to her again OP. She didn't care about you in the slightest as a child so why would she now. Never leave any children you may have with her. If she doesn't care about her own kid she won't care about someone else's.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 23:54

I already started to judge (possibly unfairly) when I saw she moved away from you! Who did you live with? She does sound more like a big cousin than a mother

Merryoldgoat · 15/02/2024 23:54

Oh OP - is that typical of her behaviour towards you?

She sounds completely negligent.

LouOver · 15/02/2024 23:56

OP I think your reaching the age of when you might be thinking about having your own children and just maturity in general so it shines a light on the practises of your parents.

You may find this happens again when you have kids. Just remember you don't own your mother anything and you can call her out on it.

underneaththeash · 15/02/2024 23:56

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minieggcheesecake · 15/02/2024 23:58

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what? I’m most definitely real, thanks!

OP posts:
minieggcheesecake · 15/02/2024 23:59

LouOver · 15/02/2024 23:56

OP I think your reaching the age of when you might be thinking about having your own children and just maturity in general so it shines a light on the practises of your parents.

You may find this happens again when you have kids. Just remember you don't own your mother anything and you can call her out on it.

Yeah I think that might be it. I don’t have kids yet but I’m at the age where I’ve started thinking maybe in the future and I think that’s brought everything up again! It’s so bizarre because I spent so long thinking this was a relatively normal thing because it was what my mom was always like so I didn’t actually realise how batshit crazy it was for a long time

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 15/02/2024 23:59

YANBU. Your mum was crazy and negligent. Would it help to tell her your perspective?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2024 00:00

Sounds awful and utterly traumatising. I’m not surprised you still feel resentful towards her. What did she expect you to do for two days? Just sit there in the airport?

She sounds quite strange all around - with the ignoring how dangerous the city was, last minute decisions and no vaccinations etc

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/02/2024 00:02

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GPT

And I’m not sure what makes you think that!

IrisM22 · 16/02/2024 00:16

You're absolutely right to feel the way you do, that was terrible behaviour by your mum and if it's bothering you now, you should speak to her about it and tell her how it made you feel.

My dad once took me on a fishing trip when I was about 10 years old and did something that really upset me when we got home. I put it out of my mind for years (in fact thinking about it now, I don't even think I realised at the time he was in the wrong) but as an adult I often thought back to that day and got angry at his behaviour and was unable to understand how a parent could act that way to their child (especially since I had my own kids). It was made worse by the fact that he'd often talk about that day as a cherished memory and I'd be boiling with anger inside as it was obvious he remembered the trip but not what happened afterwards that really upset me.

Speak to your mum.

Rachel1509 · 16/02/2024 00:22

I was recently bumped off a flight in a very safe country, with the next flight 4 hours away, with plenty of money ect. And I cried - that’s from a 49 year old woman.
Your mum sounds totally reckless and irresponsible