To still be disappointed in my mom for this?

[minieggcheesecake]

This upset me a lot at the time, and I’ve never really fully forgotten about it, but it happened when I was 14 so over 10 years ago now- obviously I don’t think about it regularly but it popped into my head recently and just wondered if I was being OTT to have never fully forgiven my mom about it all.

my mom lived in a different pert of the country and worked as a long haul cabin crew. She invited me last minute to go on a trip with her- not enough time to get injections etc, it was literally the night before. It was to a really dangerous city (at the time I didn’t even realise it was dangerous - I was just excited to go away on a trip with my mom, the people who I lived with were unhappy with me going though)

the trip itself was fine- it was 4 days and the other cabin crew and pilots were a bit surprised I was there as it wasn’t a typical trip to bring someone on. We couldn’t go outside the hotel complex and had an armed guard on our coach from the airport to the resort. My mom actually took me for a walk outside the resort and we were quickly taken back by the local police as it was too unsafe. Anyway, I still had a lot of fun at the pool at the resort.

when it came to going home, I had to go through the airport myself as my mom and her crew had their own staff security etc. I’m not fully sure of the details but I think I was on a staff travel/standby ticket. I remember sitting at the gate myself and they wouldn’t let me on but wouldn’t explain why. It turned out that the flight was full and I didn’t have a seat. I was getting really upset - i asked the staff to get my mom but they wouldn’t, they just kept telling me to sit down. Eventually my mom and the captain came down the airbridge thing and were chatting to the people at the gate. I was terrified as I thought I was going to be left myself and my mom was SO chilled about it. I remember she was like she’ll be fine here, she can get the next flight (2 days away) the captain was flabbergasted and said something like ‘that’s your 14 year old daughter you’re talking about’ and my mom just shrugged and said she’ll be fine she’s grown up for her age. I remember feeling so disappointed and let down and like I couldn’t even trust my own mom because she wasn’t helping me. I was crying and she told me to stop being such a baby

i honestly don’t know what she thought I’d do. Stay in the airport maybe for 2 days? No idea

the captain was NOT going to leave me, a child, in this third world country with nowhere to stay, no adult, no money. He made some calls (crewing I think?) and it caused a lot of drama because they had to bump off someone else so I could get their seat, and I believe they had to pay them or reward them in some way. I think that’s what my mom was scared of happening in case she got in trouble for it so that’s why she was happier just to leave me

my mom still talks, even after all these years, about how it was the best trip ever and she was such a cool mom and more like a cool big sister. AIBU to have felt so disappointed she would have happily just left me behind? Am I being ridiculous or is that utterly crazy considering I was only 14 years old?

Oh my gosh, I wouldn’t leave my 13 year old behind to catch the next bus! Can’t imagine how you must have felt. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, trauma never leaves you. Your mum acted terribly and that’s bound to hurt. You’ve every right to confront her about it. You deserve an apology at the very least, though I doubt you’ll get one. Remember how she disregarded your valid feelings when you’re worrying about hurting hers xxx

She sounds bonkers. Some people are not mature enough to cope with parenthood or understand the requirements. If the rest of her parenting was OK, I'd let this one go. However, that doesn't mean you should allow her to pass it off as a jolly jape. Next time she brings it up, you should point out what a lousy job she did that time.

Christ almighty.
I had a cousin who ditched me in Mexico & I had to hitchhike 85 miles back to San Diego at night, with complete strangers.
I’d swear my cousin was your mum - except my cousin was (thank God) childless.
This isn’t normal loving mum behaviour, @minieggcheesecake— and I’m so sorry not only that you had to go through it, but that it still troubles you.
You have every reason and every right to ask her WTF she thought she was doing and WTF she was thinking.
And don’t let her laugh it off. Demand she explain herself and her actions.
That’s the only way you can put it behind you.

God how awful.

I grew up in 3 countries (1st time at 2 years old). But always safely.

Is your mum still around? to be able to talk it through with her? Where was your dad?

Captain sounds great.

Wouldn't get away with that nowadays, I had to fill in a huge form for my son to go to his grandparents while working during half term on a plane to go there.

Yeah that's crazy

Omg, that's absolutely shocking behaviour from your mum. Thank goodness the captain looked out for you. I'm not surprised you are still struggling with that. I don't know how I'd ever be able to move past it.

Next time she brings it up, I wish you the strength to say you know mum, what I remember about that trip is not you were cool. It’s you were my mum and you’d have abandoned me on my own in a foreign, dangerous country. It’s the worst parenting I’ve ever seen in real life and really changed how I see you and whether I trust you. So I really wish you would stop fondly reminiscing about the trip when I realised I couldn’t trust my mum to look after me.

she needs to hear it and you need to have it said.

YANBU She had no business being a parent and I think you should a serious talk with her about it. As time goes on she might mature and you may want a full relationship with her. I don’t think you can with this hanging over you. If they knew she was that reckless, it’s no wonder the people you were living with didn’t want you to go.

IME people who are this irresponsible lack the ability to see past themselves without a good kick to the rear and sometimes not even then. Spell it out calmly and very clearly. How dangerous it was, how wrong her priorities were, how you felt, how it impacts you now, how you feel about her and the consequences for your relationship.

Thank goodness for that captain. It would have been absolutely terrifying even for a much older person with money etc to be in that situation. I can't see how your mother has reframed this as an exciting adventure when it was so bad that a complete stranger you had never met before had more concern for your welfare than your own mother. I would be having nothing more to do with your mother. I am so so sorry that whatever compels mothers or fathers to keep their children safe was missing with her. Maybe she was really good at serving foil wrapped food but I don't see your mother as good grandmother material either.

Her behaviour was appalling. I suspect this incident was the tip of a very shitty iceberg.

I can't imagine how traumatic this is to have lived with as a teen and young adult. Abandonment is a classic fear for children. It's not even on the same scale but I vividly remember the day when I didn't want to go somewhere in the car (aged around 7). Mum said goodbye, put my brother in the car and reversed down the drive to trick me. Withun a millisecond I was crying, screaming and banging on the window for her to come back and take me with them.

She did come back, but for years afterwards I had a recurring nightmare where she was smiling saying goodbye and explaining I had to stay in a room where the doorway was being bricked up. In the dream, the family was outside in the normal world and I was being entombed in the bricked up room alone for ever. We get on now but have never been particularly close. I think it really affected my confidence and own self-esteem for years....and that's from one tiny episode, nowhere near the magnitude of yours.

Whether you talk to ypur Mum about this or not, maybe focus on being thankful you lived with someone else (grandparents/foster parents?) and that opportunities for more of this sort of thing to happen were restricted. You obviously had someone in your life with proper concern and parental-style judgement for you as they were unhappy about the trip. Whether you still know them now, it sounds as if you were valued properly and I hope felt secure and safe in their care.

That's the standpoint from which you can judge your mother's actions now and see there is something clearly lacking in her character, nothing to do with you at all. You are different from her and have lived, (will live), your own life to very different standards.

Others have said about needing to give her the reality check of how you remember it versus her rose tinted recollection. I'd advise doing this sooner rather than later. Every time she tells the rosier version, it becomes more embedded in her memory as the truth.
I had a lot of things I wanted to get off my chest to my mother about events from my childhood, and I always assumed I'd do it eventually. Then she got early onset dementia. One of the hardest things for me to accept was that the time had passed... all those things I'd wanted to tell her, those internal monologues that had run around my head for years, would now never be said.
Tell her now, and decide from her response whether she's someone you would want actively involved in the lives of any future children you may have.

There’s a reason the people who you lived with didn’t want you going. Your mum proved them right by her actions. When it gets mentioned again you need to know what to say and be firm. You’re grown now. And she needs to be told. For me it would go along the lines of… well at least you had fun, because recalling being 14 yr old and a mother willing wanting to leave her child in a 3rd world country for the next flight more than 24hours later… with no money no food no supervision. It wasn’t fun for me I soon changed how I used to look up to you. Thank god we haven't done that again.

That sounds horrendous and very dangerous. When she brings it up again I would say "actually mum...." and tell her how sh*t a mum she was.

I wondered initially if you had a baby recently as that brought up a lot of historic stuff for me about Mum, but see you havent as yet

Some people are just too selfish and immature to be able to raise kids. She sounds like an absolute nightmare of a mum.

Next time she tries to laugh it off send her a link to this post, and tell her the vast majority think what she did was absolutely wrong.

This sounds awful and you are justified in still feeling upset, it was, as an earlier poster said, a realisation that you couldn’t trust your own mum. Cool older sister my arse.

i have a situation I went through, aged 10, that was very traumatic for me and underlined the bad parenting I experienced. My parents occasionally fondly reminisced about it, and mock me for something I said about it ( when I tried to explain to them how bad it was for me). It permanently damaged my view of them and they are oblivious. I still feel I can’t explain to them, as I can’t face being further dismissed and belittled about it. It was a moment of a complete loss of trust, built up over many smaller losses of trust before that.

Good thing is, my number one priority in qualities in a partner was someone I could trust not to let me down and I found one.

I’m sorry you went through this - really let down by the person you should have been able to trust 100%.

Does your mother have narcissistic tendencies? Sounds like even now she can only see the trip through a self centred lens.

You will be a much more empathetic mum yourself I’m sure.

Your mum is a twat. Tell her this.

How horrible. She shouldn't have had dcs. Who thinks that's normal behaviour I'd definitely be telling her.

Shitty thing to do to an adult let alone a child.

Crikey op that sounds absolutely terrifying yanbu, if that was my daughter I’d give up my own place and if that wasn’t a possibility I’d of explained to the captain that I’d have to stay with my daughter until the next flight!

What a piece of work! Sorry op but I’d of had nothing to do with her after that. Wicked woman.

Do you think there was a slight possibility that she knew the only way to make sure you got the seat was to say that's fine leave her knowing that the airline simply wouldn't be able to do that though? Perhaps it was her way of getting the captain to step up and get it sorted knowing she didn't have thr authority.

I would at least have the conversation with her. Potentially in her mind she did what she did to kick them into action not realising it has had this lasting effect on you.

I’m so sorry that this happened to you, it sounds very traumatic and is still upsetting. I lost trust in my own mother after an incident at 17 ( a different scenario) and tried to discuss it with her in my late twenties. She would not take any responsibility. I tried again in my fifties, I needed closure before she got too old. She still wouldn’t acknowledge she was wrong and in fact had rewritten her own mental version of events. I had therapy and have ( mostly) come to terms with the situation. She now has dementia and I have decided to lay it to rest so I can be kind in her last years. My therapist told me we don’t always get the parents we want/need.

It's all very odd, I expected at any moment to read that you were stopped for the massive package of drugs she put in your suitcase or something and that being the reason she was so reckless about the whole thing (dangerous country, short notice, no vacs etc)