To still be disappointed in my mom for this?

[minieggcheesecake]

This upset me a lot at the time, and I’ve never really fully forgotten about it, but it happened when I was 14 so over 10 years ago now- obviously I don’t think about it regularly but it popped into my head recently and just wondered if I was being OTT to have never fully forgiven my mom about it all.

my mom lived in a different pert of the country and worked as a long haul cabin crew. She invited me last minute to go on a trip with her- not enough time to get injections etc, it was literally the night before. It was to a really dangerous city (at the time I didn’t even realise it was dangerous - I was just excited to go away on a trip with my mom, the people who I lived with were unhappy with me going though)

the trip itself was fine- it was 4 days and the other cabin crew and pilots were a bit surprised I was there as it wasn’t a typical trip to bring someone on. We couldn’t go outside the hotel complex and had an armed guard on our coach from the airport to the resort. My mom actually took me for a walk outside the resort and we were quickly taken back by the local police as it was too unsafe. Anyway, I still had a lot of fun at the pool at the resort.

when it came to going home, I had to go through the airport myself as my mom and her crew had their own staff security etc. I’m not fully sure of the details but I think I was on a staff travel/standby ticket. I remember sitting at the gate myself and they wouldn’t let me on but wouldn’t explain why. It turned out that the flight was full and I didn’t have a seat. I was getting really upset - i asked the staff to get my mom but they wouldn’t, they just kept telling me to sit down. Eventually my mom and the captain came down the airbridge thing and were chatting to the people at the gate. I was terrified as I thought I was going to be left myself and my mom was SO chilled about it. I remember she was like she’ll be fine here, she can get the next flight (2 days away) the captain was flabbergasted and said something like ‘that’s your 14 year old daughter you’re talking about’ and my mom just shrugged and said she’ll be fine she’s grown up for her age. I remember feeling so disappointed and let down and like I couldn’t even trust my own mom because she wasn’t helping me. I was crying and she told me to stop being such a baby

i honestly don’t know what she thought I’d do. Stay in the airport maybe for 2 days? No idea

the captain was NOT going to leave me, a child, in this third world country with nowhere to stay, no adult, no money. He made some calls (crewing I think?) and it caused a lot of drama because they had to bump off someone else so I could get their seat, and I believe they had to pay them or reward them in some way. I think that’s what my mom was scared of happening in case she got in trouble for it so that’s why she was happier just to leave me

my mom still talks, even after all these years, about how it was the best trip ever and she was such a cool mom and more like a cool big sister. AIBU to have felt so disappointed she would have happily just left me behind? Am I being ridiculous or is that utterly crazy considering I was only 14 years old?

That‘s not normal. She wasn’t a cool mum, she was reckless and negligent and endangered you to a point where a colleague had to take drastic action.

I suspect this wasn’t the only time she was a shit parent. I‘m sorry, OP. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking this was okay. It was awful.

My best friend was raised by a mother like this but this sort of thing was a common occurrence. We are both mid 60's now and she had suffered terribly all her life from the aftermath of terrible parenting.

Don't underestimate how awful this was and never leave her in charge of kids or a even a goldfish.

OP that's awful I'm sorry. I have a vaguely similar thing my mum did. She left us when I was 7 and promised to be back for my birthday when I was 8 (she didn't come back). She moved to another European country. Eventually she managed to persuade my dad to send me - now 8 and my 4 year old sister on a plane (alone) to see her. I didn't want to go. I hadn't heard from her in about a year - she had called to be fair but I'd refused to speak to her. Anyway we went on the plane alone and when we arrived SHE WASNT THERE. we were taken to the airport police station, I guess because they didn't know what to do with us, but I thought we were going to prison or something. And nobody could speak English so I had no idea what was going on it was absolutely terrifying. She did turn up about 40 minutes later saying she'd been in the wrong place (not sure that's true because they'd done announcements - I couldn't understand what they were saying but I could catch her name).
She did apologise about it but it was like she didn't think it was a big deal. It really affected our relationship and I was always the "difficult one" after that because my younger sister didn't seem to remember it really. I guess she was only 4 and I had the responsibility of looking after her. We had a million other things that went on between us but that one I'll never forget. I wish I'd spoken to her about it as an adult. Made her understand what a shitty thing it was to do to a child. But I didn't and she died when I was 26 so I never will. You should definitely speak to yours about it

I’ve a couple of childhood things that I didn’t realise were wrong until recently. I do find sometimes that they get stuck in my head on a loop and I replay and replay them it’s hard. I’d also say counselling, as to confronting her I’d say it’s pointless as it’s so obvious she was negligent so if she’s not realising that, the chances of her having some kind of epiphany are remote.

id just shut down / not engage with the conversation or alternatively say I’ve never been as scared in my life and then just not engage and change the subject.

Wouldn’t you have needed evidence of vaccinations?

I have had vaccinations for travel to certain countries. Never had to provide proof on entry

I definitely remember having to show a vaccination cert entering India years ago, but maybe it’s dependent on where you’re entering from…?

She sounds very self centred. But the fact you weren't living with her while she was working long haul flights also stands out. She doesn't sound like she was in a parenting role, was she very young when she had you, did grandparents take over the parenting?

There was a reason why the people you lived with didn’t want you going - they knew what she was like. What she did was dreadful and this was only 10 years ago? My parents, DF in particular, had some seriously dodgy parenting practices back in the 80’s that are now unacceptable, but this was only a decade ago?

The next time she starts wittering on about her fond memories of the trip you need to firmly tell her your take on the experience and how it has affected you. She doesn’t get to set the narrative of it being an amazing time for both of you.

That's dreadful, I wouldn't have taken you in the first place, doesn't sound like the ideal holiday destination for a 14 year old. It sounds like your Mum wanted to be your big sister and not your Mum unfortunately. Wait til she's old and vulnerable, take her to a strange area and leave her there, then discuss how great it's been with her

That's awful, truly awful behaviour from a mother. I'm sorry you experienced that. Thank god the captain was a decent person!

Asked that earlier but @minieggcheesecake hasn't come back to explain funnily enough

As far as I know you only provide proof if you are coming from an infected country.

I think the fact she keeps going on about how cool she was etc all these years later would be the bit that would fuck me off. A bad mistake to make at the moment but I’d hope that in time she could see how Inappropriate the whole situation was. She won’t ever see your point of view of course.

You've every right to still feel upset and affected by this, it sounds traumatic. My DD is 14 and has never stayed alone by herself in the house for longer than a couple of hours, I couldn’t imagine trying to leave her in a third world country by herself for days. She utterly failed you as a mother there

@BadCovers

I have NEVER had to prove vaccinations, been to many countries, India recently and 15 years ago and both times haven't shown proof of shots.

But where are you entering those countries from? The UK? I didn’t enter India from the UK the time I’m thinking of, which may be why I had to show a vaccination cert on arrival.

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to the OP’s mother being irresponsible to take a 14 year old somewhere that requires vaccinations without having them done, let alone planning to leave her alone in a strange city for 48 hours.

That was awful, OP! I’d never forgive her, either.

I thought it was bad enough when a relative who’d arranged for us to pick up and have to stay her young son after a long flight - completely forgot to let us know arrival date/time while (we are pretty sure!) she was rat-arsed in a foreign city, so we had a call from the airline at Heathrow, to say were we supposed to be collecting X? They had our names/number, but there was no one to meet him!
Luckily he was totally unfazed, they’d got him a burger while he waited!

Wow, hugely neglectful and just generally shit parenting. I bet this is the tip of the iceberg?

That is awful behaviour. She was not like a cool mum/big sister. Even a stranger ie the captain took more responsibility for you than she did. No wonder you are hurt and let down. Not sure how you resolve your feelings but yanbu.

I'm not surprised you felt let down! She sound utterly irresponsible.

Do you have a relationship with her now?

. Deleting comment because I forgot to quote the person I was replying to