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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a normal amount of grumpiness for a sleep deprived dad

54 replies

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:28

We’ve got a DD, 2. Married for 2.5 years, together for almost 10. Would like to add that pre marriage he was completely different, never grumpy, then when we got married it’s like a switch flipped. He’s become more argumentative and grumpier after marriage but perhaps that’s a symptom of tiredness that comes with having a baby. However last few weeks he’s been grumpy on another level.

For context. Currently TTC baby no2 and not been successful for just over 6mo. Initially his sperm motility and morphology weren’t great but after a few months of supplements, huge reduction in his drinking (this is his achievement because most of his drinks were in a pub after work and now he just skips the pub and comes home) and changing our diet (ie I started to cook fresh meals, always full of veggies, mostly chicken, fish and seafood, no red meat) his sperm analysis came back normal. Still not been successful and it’s been close to 6mo of normal semen analyses.

At the moment he nags me for everything. For sending him to work with too much fruit, for meals being too full of vegetables, for the fact that I’ve developed a cough which prevents him from sleeping well, for asking if he plans to drink when he sees his (normally quite boozy) mates for a meal this weekend, for scrunching a water bottle wrong before putting it in the bin. Most things I say or do are met with an eye roll.

I don’t know where to go from here. Not cooking his meals? He’ll just order junk on deliveroo and be happy with it, whilst I feel sad and desperate for our no2.

I don’t think I want to leave (bar the last few weeks we do have a good time together, financial reasons, he’s a good dad, I may run out of time to have a no2 if I leave and having children is everything to me). From what I can tell he doesn’t want to split either.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/02/2024 20:34

He probably feels a bit hemmed in. I think I would a bit from what you've said.

Could you maybe have a heart to heart. Ideally over a glass of wine so its out of the range of the current normal for you both?

Reconnect type of thing rather than just actively and mechanically trying to make babies.

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:35

@gamerchick could you please elaborate on how he might feel hemmed in?
Appreciate the input of how he might be feeling! Thank you.

OP posts:
Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 15/02/2024 20:36

It sounds like he could be feeling the pressure to conceive and follow these new rules in order to get his sperm in shape! He’s reduced drinking and cut down the junk food, a couple of fun outlets for him so probably feeling grumpy about it. I would try to have a relaxed chat with him and see if he will open up to you about it. Maybe it’s something deeper like he feels like he’s not succeeding by not conceiving etc. maybe a compromise is he has one night out every so often and a junk meal every so often so don’t feel so restrictive. Or you plan something fun to do together without talking about conceiving to take the pressure off

Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 15/02/2024 20:37

(Pretty much just said the same thing as gamerchick!)

PackingupTime · 15/02/2024 20:37

You sound obsessed with having a 2nd baby. He doesn't sound like he's into it. I would work on your relationship before you carry on TTC. You sound like you're mothering him in one aspect and on the other hand using him just to TTC - 'children are everything to me' so where does he fit in? I think you need to take a step back and consider is he the issue or are you?

Tinkerbyebye · 15/02/2024 20:39

I would think he feels extremely nagged at by you, not him nagging you.

Your desperation for another baby has stopped him doing anything he wants, he can’t eat the wrong food, he has to have fruit and veggies, he may want something different or rubbish occasionally! he can’t go out with mates and have a drink

try cutting him some slack and letting him enjoy life a bit

Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 15/02/2024 20:39

I do think it’s easy to get a bit obsessed about getting that positive, and it can take over your life. Particularly telling your OH exactly when you need to get to it during ovulation then hanging on during the 2 week wait

PutMyFootIn · 15/02/2024 20:41

At the moment he nags me for everything. For sending him to work with too much fruit, (ungrateful of him)
for meals being too full of vegetables, (ungrateful of him)
for the fact that I’ve developed a cough which prevents him from sleeping well, (please tell me you're not coughing next to him all night while he's trying to sleep?)

for asking if he plans to drink when he sees his (normally quite boozy) mates for a meal this weekend, (yes thats nagging)
for scrunching a water bottle wrong before putting it in the bin. (so's that) Most things I say or do are met with an eye roll.

Maybe try a different approach when communicating with him. Your current one obviously isn't working.

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:42

Alwayslookonthebrightside1 · 15/02/2024 20:36

It sounds like he could be feeling the pressure to conceive and follow these new rules in order to get his sperm in shape! He’s reduced drinking and cut down the junk food, a couple of fun outlets for him so probably feeling grumpy about it. I would try to have a relaxed chat with him and see if he will open up to you about it. Maybe it’s something deeper like he feels like he’s not succeeding by not conceiving etc. maybe a compromise is he has one night out every so often and a junk meal every so often so don’t feel so restrictive. Or you plan something fun to do together without talking about conceiving to take the pressure off

Thing is, he does have a night out once in a while. This month it was his mum's 70th and we agreed 2 glasses of wine is fine (as he knew it'd be a fancy occasion and the wine would be good quality). At New Year's Eve he also had champagne because he wanted to ring in the new year with a glass. He's just cut down on casual everyday drinking like a glass of wine "because it's been a long day" or a pint "because everyone else was going to the pub". Equally we have a cheat meal most weekends like a pizza or going out for steaks.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 15/02/2024 20:42

How much does he want another child? There's no right or wrong answer but if he's not as keen on the idea as you, he might resent what you're making him give up.

PackingupTime · 15/02/2024 20:43

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:42

Thing is, he does have a night out once in a while. This month it was his mum's 70th and we agreed 2 glasses of wine is fine (as he knew it'd be a fancy occasion and the wine would be good quality). At New Year's Eve he also had champagne because he wanted to ring in the new year with a glass. He's just cut down on casual everyday drinking like a glass of wine "because it's been a long day" or a pint "because everyone else was going to the pub". Equally we have a cheat meal most weekends like a pizza or going out for steaks.

We agreed 2 glasses of wine was fine 🤦‍♀️ good lord you sound insufferable! Let the man live.

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:44

mynameiscalypso · 15/02/2024 20:42

How much does he want another child? There's no right or wrong answer but if he's not as keen on the idea as you, he might resent what you're making him give up.

He says he wants one and does actively try to have sex in my fertile week, he's never declined it and will try to make it work. For example if I'm resettling our girl he will wait even if I say it's ok just go to sleep

OP posts:
PackingupTime · 15/02/2024 20:46

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:44

He says he wants one and does actively try to have sex in my fertile week, he's never declined it and will try to make it work. For example if I'm resettling our girl he will wait even if I say it's ok just go to sleep

Interesting that you're not responding to anything on this thread really. You've made your mind up you're in the right and he's wrong.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2024 20:47

He can make his own lunch, lazy fucker.

However, his choices are his choices. Food, booze, all that. You can make your own choices about the relationship but he makes his choices about his body.

I think you need to separate your wish for another baby from your life. I wouldn't have wanted a baby if it required living like a boring nun for years.

And the cougher goes to the sofa in our house. Or drinks Benelyn.

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:48

@PackingupTime responding to any questions asked so far. Anything else you'd like to ask that I haven't responded to?

OP posts:
mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:49

@PutMyFootIn I cough on my side of the bed, facing away from him, but yes he is in the same bed (it's a super king size so we're not super close together, but yes it's one bed)

OP posts:
PackingupTime · 15/02/2024 20:50

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:48

@PackingupTime responding to any questions asked so far. Anything else you'd like to ask that I haven't responded to?

Let him live, you're stifling him and mothering him. He's your HUSBAND not your child. And not a sperm donor. You're missing the point entirely. You are the issue.

Broodywuz · 15/02/2024 20:52

My dh was like this when our dc were very young. He loved them dearly and was (still is) a great dad but I don't think he enjoyed the baby stage as much as I did or he thought he would. I think he missed our pre child life a lot and found all the baby/family stuff a bit of a chore, although he wouldn't admit it. Could this be the case with your dh?

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 20:54

@Broodywuz I guess so. It breaks my heart when DD comes into our bed and he mutters "ffs" or "not her in here again". I think at her age she understands the words and definitely the tone...
when did it stop with your DH?

OP posts:
ChangeAgain2 · 15/02/2024 20:58

TTC is very stressful. It's great that he's managed to improve his sperm motility and morphology, but focusing totally on TTC and improving health can be a bit all incompasing. It sort of sucks the joy out of life. I think maybe he'll be happier if you have a Friday night takeaway, the occasional drink (I'm not suggesting getting bladdered just merry), and sex that's not timed or TTC related. I had a long fertility journey and it did impact on my husband and his mental health.

pictoosh · 15/02/2024 21:03

I think it all sounds a bit rigid too.
You asked if he was planning to drink with his friends this weekend.
Why did you ask? So you could put him straight if he said yes or concede to him having two glasses?
How annoying of you?

mariaerr · 15/02/2024 21:08

@pictoosh to avoid a stressful night of sitting and thinking "will he won't he"

OP posts:
pictoosh · 15/02/2024 21:11

Or alternatively, put it out of your mind and leave him to it?

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 15/02/2024 21:17

I think the food and drinks thing is extremely naggy and if I was going to a celebration then like fuck would 2 glasses of wine be agreed to so he did better than me there.
He has done everything you've requested and had healthy sperm for 6 months yet still no success so most likely he's fed up now as it seems pointless. Maybe have a break from the TTC mentality and see if he's less grumpy?

MangshorJhol · 15/02/2024 21:20

But I would mutter the same too if my 2 year old was constantly coming into my bed. We co-slept initially so I am not some ‘let them cry it out’ types but I would find the situation frustrating. Is he not allowed to be frustrated at disrupted sleep? Poor guy needs his drinking monitored, is consuming veggies, having sex when he’s asked to and can’t even complain when his child disrupts his sleep?!